Moon meets Sun

blabber

2010-02-03T05:08:00.001+08:00

Because maybe, you’re gotta be the one that saves me and after all you’re my wonderwall….

Set inside the walls there has to be some meaning to it all and the wonder that I brought to myself has to be telling me something but everyday it seems the night grows longer and the days grow more and more stagnant and more and more boredom no it’s more like an unconsciousness while I’m still awake with my eyes wide open I cannot start regretting every move that I make because I’ll just start thinking over and over again about the things and second chances and all that bullshit it all comes into my head with such a rush and gush of sound and light and feeling and emotion until I am about to burst bursting into flames tears trees grass fire sounds this mind thoughts are so confusing I cannot coherently talk speak write about it it is confusing confusing confusing all these things that have not been figured out are now becoming clutter and all this clutter inside my head is turning me upside down inside out and mad to the point which I don’t longer bother to rearrange or organize myself perhaps this is why I become so messy and perhaps messed up and unmotivated and lost in my own pursuit of passion and losing interest in stuff so fast because once the initial frenzy gush emotional hype passes I no longer have energy to continue because I have no reserves left to occupy any other task than trying to organize and figure out all this damned clutter I just think too much and it leaves me without a doubt with a million doubts and a million ideas all untried unthought unorganized and unphatomed because they are just left inside my imagination like an imaginarium un-unleashed it become so weird and leads to this stupid clutter oh how I wish I would just explode so that I can stop this heavy weight and burden and all this shit shit shit shit shit that goes around inside my head what the hell is going on I’m writing like a retard and yet somehow it makes sense to me already but it is such bullshit because no grammar all errors and what the heck is this I am writing but oh my gawd it seems so real and all written down with no commas no fullstops no semicolumns it is exactly how I see it inside my head no i no longer see it I think it no longer I have made it drag so long that I now feel it and live it through myself it has permeated outside of my mind because I left it so untamed and uncut unprimed and unstudied basically it has become like weeds and now grown on me and now is just growing more and more and is sapping my energy resource at the same time because I left it untidied.

untitled

2009-11-12T05:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes i read the stars
like they were paper
a reflection of my eyes
the water that they hold
the trinklets of sparkles
made of diamonds, crystals
that formed from moisture
of tears holdeth aback
of perhaps tears unshed
for some colourful
and beautiful
feeling from the heart

how it came

2009-10-31T06:05:00.004+08:00

i didn't believe
until i saw
how the black
of the soul
came into reality

it was as if
the valley t'was unlit
came also to mirror
what my eyes saw
what my mind thought
what my heart felt

but, i am half-way
not totally in the dark
but with some breach of light
so sometimes
i see my world in colour
and also black and white

it took a song
and a tear
so i realized
it was here

virtual reality

2009-04-20T02:23:00.002+08:00

Reality is a weird thing. I feel that the world is churning into something that is based more and more on the number crunch. Sigh...where did everything else disappear to?

Where has the new generation become? It seemed only a moment ago when i noticed that people are becoming very superficial. They act like they are driven solely by the economy of money-money-more-money. Sucks.

I really wonder when was the last time anyone did something to help another. Or just expecting nothing in return. Is it just in the nature of people around this region to be so self-centered? I might be a person who seems very distanced and aloof, but i do know the meaning of having a proper community. Everyone seems to fit into something. But this "something" that was once there is becoming more and more vague. Especially now that the Internet is having this dissociation effect upon everyone. Somehow it might have leaked into our reality before the virtual world.

Or maybe i'm just sad all the time and its making me think stupid things...

nutty

2009-04-08T17:08:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i really wished for more to live for. Maybe i was born into the wrong environment. Maybe i was born into the wrong planet. I should rather be a gas molecule just exploding everytime i try to think of something horrendously complicated.

My mind is a tick-toc-tick-toc. No it's not a clock. I wish it was a clock. It'll keep on thinking until the batteries are dead. There's no batteries inside my brain!!! So i'll never stop. Horrible, terrible and vegetated.

I'm not talking sense. I don't get it. There so many things thinking right now i'm blocked. I see blank face and blank paper and blank time.

Maybe its time to really just REST.

Waking

2009-04-04T18:18:00.003+08:00

when the alarm goes off
better step up
and out of bed
before all that guilt
comes crashing down again
then i'll just end up
stuck in bed..
again

sleep

2009-04-04T02:31:00.002+08:00

i never feel like sleeping
unless its something that i'd hope for
because sleep just does wonders
for those nightmares that breed
in my placid mind
with stirring, furious thoughts
i wish there was something
or someone
who could
calm it all down

yesterday's dream for tomorrow

2009-04-03T22:18:00.001+08:00

by far....my hopes are that i can survive this semester.

perhaps with a few scratches and bruises...but just surviving is an accomplishment.

untitled

2009-04-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

Elizabeth Wurtzel

I have a

2009-04-01T05:34:00.001+08:00

diseased called:
1. i sleep all day long
2. i don't know what to do
3. i feel sick all day long
4. i feel like i having fever
5...wtf.

People

2009-03-23T03:03:00.003+08:00

Some people have ambitions higher than they can comprehend. They seek a recognition that is too far away from their present state. The distance is not drawn by time or money, nor maturity or wisdom, but it is mostly drawn by their ego that blocks that way.

Some people have ambitions that they are going to die. They hate the whole world. One would ask why, but normally it just comes down to a small incident that happened to them. They got the jolt of their life and they haven't had the effort to recover from it. Thus they remain trapped inside that nightmare. But as they mature, that nightmare matures with them, like a scar remains and ages across the years, that nightmare has become hate.

Some people live a very panicked life. Not because life makes them panic all the time, but because they are anxious people. Things go through their mind and they tend to overthink. They ruminate a lot, maybe at an extreme level. These people need some listening ears attached to their minds so they can talk all they want - silently.

Some people are just assholes. But you'd wonder why assholes have a family, kids and are successful. Maybe they kissed someone's ass? No, normally even assholes show assertiveness that the average person doesn't have. They get what they want. Maybe (really maybe) one day fate might decide to wake them up a little.

Some people just like to follow. They do nothing much. They just follow. Wallflowers? Perhaps.

The truth is, most people are just a bit of everything. You start to wonder what type of friends you have, when the people around you start pissing you off. Or maybe your day was just darn annoying.

But, in the first place, are you annoying to others?

so wrong

2009-03-17T09:35:00.002+08:00

When there's a cloudy sky, the counselor's room is always nearby. But the first time i entered the room, i was quite lost. Lost like a bee finding himself inside his own nest, not knowing what to do. The next thing that happened was intriguing. I had not known myself like i did before. There was too many unknowns.

But i realize the time i went to see someone. It wasn't for a medicine. It was for some way to commit a ritual suicide. This suicide, i needed, to take away some part of me that was a huge burden. It had grown too vast that i couldn't grasp it anymore. It was a conflict that somehow grew with my excessive curiosity. Somehow i despised it. I no longer knew myself, because i had been torn apart. The ends of my world were deluded in mystery.

I saw one part of me like a huge and endless journey in search; but the other end a huge and endless bubble of the dark. I wonder when i started to split. It somehow happened, this realization, very suddenly. I felt crushed, i felt torn, i just became a being in constant conflict with myself.

I know many who seem to be in conflict with everyone else. Somehow i wonder why i didn't end up like them. Maybe i wish to. People who hate the world, just accept it. But when i hate myself, part of me hits back.

i watch
perhaps that's what i'll ever do
i never did reach you

E.M.O.

2009-03-13T09:40:00.000+08:00

Electro Magnetic Overload

- enough said

i am...

2009-03-11T08:35:00.001+08:00

a fly...(with a lap top)...

i see power plug....power power...buzzz buzzz buzzz...

plug in lap top.....

i rather be a mosquito now...

(rather not say why)

that kinda sounds wrong...but what the hell

presence

2009-03-08T11:43:00.002+08:00

I wish i never met you
because you're giving me a pain
but at the same time
it comes to mind
that i'm was a wreck without you anyway
so...
would you come back?

thing

2009-03-04T20:23:00.002+08:00

i suppose its all my fault to let myself enter this room
i walked right in with all the wrong expectations
i felt that i was doing something right
but it was all just a big mistake
i forgot that it was no longer my home
i had trodden outside
but how is it that i cannot hide
the thing inside
Rage

hmm

2009-03-04T03:11:00.003+08:00

I hope that there's still some courage left in me to take this step. My foot places slowly into the water that belies the vast ocean. This is not the swimming pool that i used to spend time in. It's no longer time to try, but only time left to go. Its time for me to swim - as hard as i can. I dream of the other side.

Hope, be my shield.
Be my guide
Into the unknown.

Chinese "problem"

2009-03-04T02:53:00.002+08:00

If you see chinese dudes....people i mean...eventually you'll come to a conclusion that we are:

depressed, overworked and sleep deprived individuals!

You see, when you see a chinaman, you think....squinty eyes? I think that's the first thing that comes to mind. Well did you know that there's panda eyes too? *PANDA ALERT* sound the alarm please. No, we're not walking zombies, we're just man-like pandas walking around. Oh sure, we don't have the 100kg weight at birth, but we sure do have that natural mascara thing going on for us. We...need...sleep...we beg u....

Watch Russel Peters and you'll come across this line..."Be a man! Do the right thing!" WoW. Yes, chinese business people. We always go to such steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and innovative ways to get you to buy our stuff. Why? Clearly we have been overworked and we want to make that sale, QUICK and EASY. Be it by hook or crook.

Depressed. where did that come from? You see, we have squinty eyes for a reason - so we don't have to take in all that shit that's going around us. That's why we can "shuttup!" and "do our work!". You can kick us around, but we have learned that "no use one lah!" to complain. So we just "do your job lah!".

Cut us some slack lah!
...
...
...
...
...
...Be a man!

Somehow

2009-03-03T01:49:00.000+08:00

with just one hello....things turned out...not so bad

Moments

2009-03-02T04:09:00.003+08:00

For a moment, i don't want to move
it seems so hard to go ahead
but easier to just leave behind
not my past
but the incoming future

I saw something in the glint of your eyes. Somehow, i find your face everytime i enter class. The other day, did i see you looking my way? Or was it just another day dream. I slumped down into my chair. I was a little shy - like i always am. Though, for a moment there, i thought something could have happened. But as i always am, i just didn't do anything. Though what if it were true? That you looking my way while i was staring in your direction?

Wind

2009-03-01T04:09:00.002+08:00

Do you see that breeze? Its blowing like a waterfall. It's flowing through the air, whistling in your ears, washing past your face and across your skin. Did you stop to think if it would wait for you?

You just want to chase it and feel it, always. But it's flowing like water. Each time you want to catch it, it turns into a rapid. You had to cross it. You have to ride it. You have to become it.

Sadly, you can't see it. Your skins tells you it's there. Your nose smells the flow of it. Your hair tells you of the flow. But your eyes are blind to it.

Chase it all you want. You cannot catch it. So, be it.

dare

2009-02-25T13:06:00.002+08:00

how come the sun never turns?
and why does the moon always shine?
how come the water we drink will always dry?
and why does the food we eat turn on us?
how come we use our eyes to see?
and still we cannot look beyond surfaces
why do we keep looking?
yet sometimes never move on...

random

2009-02-25T12:11:00.001+08:00

events

absence of mind

2009-02-24T17:50:00.002+08:00

Talking about a nutshell of existence, sometimes i feel that its not the nutshell that is disturbing, in fact it's just perfunctory. The real disturbance (sometimes problem) is other people poking at that nutshell.

What gives?

These are times when i start to think why i'm the way i am. Don't you sometimes feel that there are these things that you do, these things that you might want to do as well and also those things that you used to do, that made you feel a little bit obscure in the public eye? Okay, public eye probably means your friends and family. But even one person is enough to make you go into a frenzy about what you do. It's those values, you know. Those are the things that make you so frustrated, but the irony is that you need them to survive. I'm not saying that they are rules. The basic needs are the supreme rules. You need food, water and shelter from the wrath of nature and situation. Everything else, your values system, the rules that you choose to follow are make-ups of what you are.

It's a choice factor. The things around you are bundles and rocks of adversity. Can you move them with your influence or bend them to your will? What does the average person notice? More importantly, what do you notice in your being that makes your time move?

Human biology moves your clock automatically. It's ultimately that clock that makes you eat, sleep and drink. Your biological clock tells you that you need food everyday, you need to drink to quench your thirst, and eventually that you will feel the pain of sickness before the dread of death. But as a constant, the biological clock's constant movement is meaningless without interaction with the outside environment. If you had food, water and sleep the same time everyday, without any need to think or effort, i'll bet time would have stopped for you. Death is mostly too far away to even contemplate for a healthy, functioning person.

But you got a curious mind. And you have plenty of people around you. Plus, that food, water and bed isn't coming from thin air. You need to work for it. And like natural disasters, social turmoil happens all of a sudden. You may have seen it coming, but still it is hard to avoid it. Somehow it will come and you will have to deal with it.

Thinking about things like this is already a chore, what if you forgot to do something about it? Wouldn't it be double the job when it actually happens?

When things get crazy

2009-02-11T04:28:00.002+08:00

Your mind goes nuts
All those bolts that tie everything together
just come lose and you start to wonder
whether all those screws are
tight enough
or you might just have to
go see a doctor
because before it gets too late
you'll need some help
and some ears to listen
to your mind so that you can
pour it all out
on some canvas besides yourself

Sometimes

2009-02-04T14:23:00.001+08:00

The best of our days are spent thinking:

"What if it all had worked out..."

cough syrup

2009-01-31T01:20:00.001+08:00

drives me crazy

rock

2009-01-29T13:25:00.001+08:00

on an island

Whatever

2009-01-17T01:52:00.003+08:00

Somehow this new starting in b.psych has given me something to do. Well, that something to do doesn't just come with the "i want to study" but it also brings some little revival in perhaps the enthusiasm that i used to carry with me.

You know when adults look back at the young people and say "they're still young and wild"...i think i look back at the time when i was still around nine and wonder where all that energy went to. I think this thing called responsibility squashed out some of that energy. It hurt...it was slow and gradual, almost something i didn't notice until recently. Somehow this "grouping factor"....this "expected stuff" from society somehow weighs down on my own creative reservoirs. Perhaps its just the build-up of my personality that makes things that way. I'm more...individualistic, to put it short. But to describe that sort of individualism i think would take much more than just a few lines of definition. I like some rules. But sometimes i feel i need to be wild to be allowed to be my best. That's sort of something you don't get in reality.

Is it just wrong to be wanting to stay at the age of 9? Or is there something wrong with me to think my brain feels like it has aged to 50 abit too fast. I don't feel so young inside, i might just look that way. In fact, many things have come to drain out my spirits in the past few years. Each one takes a toll, and perhaps i've not really recuperated until the last few months.

I still stumble on this thing called "a life". Its such a vague concept in the society today. People want things...but they are generally too lazy to put effort into that pursuit. Feels like a perfect society for instant gratification - one that the media thrives on. People want things that are in trend. But with the coming crisis that might occur in the natural resources of the world, i just have to ask what does it take for people to wake up and actually make a difference in their lives.

Everything is so robotic nowadays. Studying is no longer a...valuable item. It has become something that everyone just gets..for the right money of course. I think that education, especially tertiary and above, is being made like a gateway for those who wish to have a "better" future. This better future doesn't really promise a great job or a great life. It promises an entirely new zombified experience, making you a sort of slave to society's need to see that piece of paper. It's no longer a reason for inner searching, but just a reason for making a living. More and more pressure is put that people should graduate at a younger age, rather than search for an interest or vocation before they actually pursue an education. I think this puts even more perogative upon the educator to make sure that students receive the real education that they really need - how to become a person of character.

Don't you ever think why some bitches or bastard can become leaders of an industry? Mostly its just because their parents are well connected, or they graduated from Harvard or Yale...its a boring, monotonous story. The pompous and cocky attitude that comes with a bunch of these people doesn't help it any further. Rather it gives a thought whether these people are graduates of prestige or graduates of recycleable paperbacks. It's a very sad and bleak sight when the old fashions of humility have been replaced by...brats.

I sometimes don't know what i'm studying for anymore. Not really because i've lost my way. But because i no longer wish to be in a society that is plummeting into this void of commercial adds and hypnotic MTV pop culture. People care for accesories and the latest trends (and also that everyone should follow the "in-way" or be out). Sometimes you wonder if education and media are two of the world's biggest rivals competing for audience...

Woes

2009-01-12T04:05:00.000+08:00

A thought(s)

2009-01-09T06:20:00.000+08:00

Could i just sing you this song....

Hmm

2009-01-09T04:59:00.002+08:00

Well...i don't know how things are going to turn out, but somehow i feel a little comfort that things are the way they are. And for those things to come, i just hope that i will get better. Do i really care anymore? I don't think so, but this time maybe in a better way than before...

Empty society

2009-01-08T16:56:00.003+08:00

A baby is born every moment you breath. But, is it the same way for an individual identity?

Have you ever asked yourself why you go to school? Wrong question, have you ever asked why your parents send you to school? The typical answer is you need an education. Well, yeah...you need to learn certain "yes" and "no" things and the norms of society. You need to learn about some history. Yeah, these things come in handy once in a while, particularly when you are talking about the next riot, the predicted assassination of some world leader, the "terror" brought on by antagonists and also the end of the world - so to speak. But when you're just a seven year old, or whatever age it is you enter into the first steps of formal education, you don't know any of this shit.

Most governments have a law that all children must attend school. School being whatever years required to kick some sense into our minds that you are required to "grow up". Parents, teachers, guidance counselors, presidents (maybe not there yet) and so on are people who serve as guides to our "growing up". But the mass media holds a different aim. They are here to distract us from the stress of the rat race. There's no such thing as "normal living", there's just a job and your life. You need to live before you can have a job, but then your job becomes something of a need to survive once you've become of age. So you see this is how many people mix up between having a life and having a job. That's besides the point.

Why do you even want a job? And there's supposed to be this difference between a job and a carrier. Is there really? What about the jobless..what are they supposed to be? Society might see them as perversions of normal living style and so, yeah you guessed it, they are outcasted. It's for the greater good, right?

If you're still studying...think of it as the first time you've been thrown into a detention center. Well, they don't torture you like they do in there, they just use other methods. Your warden is the university rules, whether you get kicked out or something. Your parents (not in the literal meaning) are the lecturers. Your fun are your friends. Your rival is the marking system. Your federal judge is the ministry of education. And unfortunately your food is money.

It looks all the same outside. Happy kids, sad kids, hardworking kids, drop-outs, screw ups...whatever. Look at yourself in the mirror. Take out a pen and paper. Start writing a story about yourself. How many of you can actually do such a task? I'm not talking about writing about where you've been, what you want to do, what you have done, whether your parents are some hotshot business people or even if you're the king of England. Write about what makes you the person you are. Write about why you even think of studying business or engineering or biology. Write about the person you want to become, your aspirations and your dreams. Not your handphones and ipods and ps3 and home pc with the latest specs and all. Those all just make your story a little...interesting. It doesn't make it a story at all. These are just bits and pieces from the textbook of society and mass media and maybe a little bit of government (if you give a shit at all).

Write down the story of you...

Implosion

2009-01-06T04:54:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, there are just some things that you cannot tell people. Maybe not because you cannot, but because you cannot bear with the consequences. Take an time bomb, and encase it inside an invulnerable casing. Now, when this time bomb goes off, the explosion erupts, but the energy cannot be release. It is instead contained within this casing. Now, imagine that you are the casing. So what just happened?

half

2009-01-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

way there...

half way!

Waiting in line

2009-01-04T02:10:00.003+08:00

i really have to ask...why does it have to repeat?
it seems everyone tells me the same thing...
right before it ends...
am i just a freaking phase?
will somebody just stab me already..i wanna go live in hell...
seems better off than here.
period.

My song....

2009-01-04T02:07:00.001+08:00

too nice....

i fucking hate that line...

Freedom

2009-01-03T16:12:00.002+08:00

Freedom...

I wanted, like all children, to be free. I wanted to be able to play all day long. Those times were something like heaven. I had all the time in the world, of course, besides school time and bedtime.

I wanted, like all teenagers, to be free. From my parents grip. From the dawning responsibilities falling upon me, that i'd just come to realize. I wanted freedom from the world and its malice.

Now, i want something greater. I have found a trap somewhere peculiar - inside myself. I want to be free from that trap. It is a chaos that doesn't allow me to be happy within my own confines. I am filled with so much distress. I want a greater freedom, from myself.

I no longer wish to be a what: the student, the son, the eldest...

I wish to be a who: the person.

my song?

2009-01-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

Insecure

2008-12-30T05:45:00.001+08:00

Reaching out yet again, towards a nothingness that i once breached. But this time, i not only see it, but i feel it and i have somehow broke it. This nothingness was once a deadly silence. I did not understand it. I neglected it. I did not even know of its existence. Till that day, i found it, and now it lies before me, for i am yet again placed within that cubicle of testing. I'm once again lying on the helpless temptations to scream out and smother all hope that i have of surviving this void. In the past, i've made the great mistake of deceiving myself. I felt that it was never my fault, it was always something wrong with something else. I now see that it has something to do with me. Partly, it is probably my nature of being. How i got that way is a building block that i wish to fix. It is broken, dislodged. I have to mend it, prevent it from bending the equation even further. By the time i'm done, the void will no longer be in the utter unknown, but instead it should be within my grasp. Perhaps, i may use it to my own peace and quiet. To turn that misery that it has brought me, instead towards a more lighter side of life. Then perhaps i will have my peace and quiet. And i may be strong for others and not disappoint myself further more. I lie, i lied...all those lies. I die, i died and i am dead. But this void took the pleasure of the guilt, it took the closure of death and left me bare with this empty feeling. It filled me with rage and vengeance of which i did not understand...and it all came out the wrong way. I never said those words right, i never placed myself in the right places, i never made the right moves. I always needed someone to be there...

i have

2008-12-27T04:00:00.001+08:00

i don't know....

Nutcase: Appendix A - Go Crazy

2008-11-29T01:36:00.003+08:00

Step 1:
Go somewhere secluded. Yes, because you're still sane enough to not want other people to see you. You're not like those psychopaths that do it in broad daylight. They have the guts, you have none. You like to keep it to yourself. You're ashamed. It's a shameful thing to do.

Step 2:
Start banging your head. It hurts, it hurts so much. Not the banging, but that headache. That headache you've been having for ages. You can't stop it once it has begun. And it begins everyday.

Step 3:
Let's start by singing at the top of your voice. Yes, although you're trying to not let anyone know, you cannot control yourself. Its not that you feel crazy, its only that you cannot control yourself. This thing is so overwhelming. It like a death sentence if your parents would see you like this, but it seems so much a charm that it is part of you.

Step 4:
It is you. You become it. No, you and it are the same thing. You are one single being.

Step 5:
You suddenly realize that this is just a dream world. Yes. Your name, your room, your hair, your fingernails, EVERYTHING is just a dream. Now you try to figure out how to wake up!

Step 6:
Oh no...you're already awake. Go nuts.

Worries....

2008-11-28T21:15:00.002+08:00

I think i have been scarred for life in the case of attachment. Attachment meaning sort of everything. My friend asked me how many primary schools i attended. i answered him 4. I've been moving around a lot. A lot means more often than the average person would. There's this problem that comes with moving, especially if you're a kid. You make friends, some that would have lasted a long, long time. But then suddenly, you just have to move away. Goodbye to your friends. Goodbye to everything that mattered in that place. Because, its not like going away to celebrate and coming back soon after. Its really moving away. That part wrecks havoc, because you are never going to see them again.

I moved 3 times, all to different places before the age of 10. See, i lived in Perak, somewhere around Ipoh. Then i moved away when i was 6 1/2. I never saw those people again, not for a very long time. When i did see them, it was already too long, and i was too young to really remember the people that i had grew up with over there. This happened again, and again, over the next 3 years. I think somehow that hotwired me to be afraid of friends. Because someday i might just lose them. And you know how adolescence brings to light all this bullshit that could happen in the world. Well, that added into the mix as well. So now i worry, i really worry.

I've had this situation. I sms someone and i get hung on waiting for that person to sms me back. Even if it takes hours, my whole brain just seems stuck there on that moment. Just waiting...and in the end worrying. I hate it. Its like a prefix and i feel damn lousy because of this shit.

Now, probably its toned down already. But i still get it. And those nightmarish memories that come with it. I don't want to go through hell again.

Complicated

2008-11-27T04:58:00.002+08:00

To date
I've not seen through a day
where nothing goes wrong
not been through a week
where everyday is cloudy
not been through a year
without a thunderstorm
not been through a childhood
with some frightful nightmares
not been through an time
without some bitter memories

but it seems
I'm actually alright
and tomorrow might be
Just fine

[Part VIII] Duality

2008-11-24T04:21:00.002+08:00

He takes off the mask that he wears for everyone else. He places it across the hallway, in a room that he keeps for dressing. Then he walks down the hallway towards a candle-lit room. Its not a room for reminisces, nor a room for inspiration. The room is set for a very dark ritual, one that he goes through once in awhile.

He starts by looking up to the ceiling, where there are marks of burnt wood and many candles stuck to the wall. They are not lit, but instead the have had their wax melted upon the mints where the flames were supposed to burn. They inspire an undisclosed tantrum, something kept hidden well beyond the faces of other people. He then removes a huge piece of log from a cupboard. He shifts it into the center of the room, and stares it down as if it were his mortal enemy.

His eyes transfixed upon the wooden log, as if he was going to commit murder, a murder which would be more terrible than death itself. His eyes told a story of rage, not something even a hangman would want to see. Then he starts. He pounds the log. Again, and again. He pounds it harder and harder with each strike. His fists turn a bright crimson red and they start to bruise. But he continues. Harder and harder, faster and faster. It is as if there was a drum beating, carrying with it a rhythm that echoes across the room. The resonance of the clashing sound waves shakes the room. Then he starts roaring at the top of his voice. His first clenched even tighter, now a dark shade of blue, he pounds the log with even greater force.

He hates the world for making him this way. He hates each and every person for making him feel this way. He hates the blood that runs through his veins. He hates the heart pounding inside him. He hates the way people think. He hates the wilderness and its misery. He hates himself for having to be alive. He hates whoever gave him this existence. He hates everything, everyone and himself for believing it.

He hits harder, harder and harder! By the time he tires, there is a small pool of bloody on the floor and his fists drip with blood. The pain is refreshing. It is cleansing. He feels every drop of it. He savors it as it flows with every new drop of blood. His heart makes it flow through his entire frame, hammering with each beat, giving him new fodder for more and more hatred.

But if only there were a cure for his broken heart...

All the small things

2008-11-23T18:06:00.003+08:00

Walking down the street, with a breeze in your hair and the sweet smell of garden flowers brightening your day. Every step is a beginning and the next you take brings you a new adventure. The third step starts when you begin to see, not behind you where you were, but ahead of you where you'll be. The shoes you wear are your companions, the clothes you wear show your person, and the eyes that you see with meet others with glimmer. I went to get a bike, just so I could ride, free as a bird, through the streets, below the archways, into the highway and out towards you.

The small things that make me happy. But you help me stay happy.

[Part VII] The Reason

2008-11-23T04:24:00.003+08:00

His feet land on the ground, lightly, softly, without making a sound. The hilltop is silent, as it always is, only the swish of his wings cascade softly through the still night air.

"Sigh, how did it ever become this way? I've made myself a coffin, to lay down beside you, upon this hilltop... But there was once, when we were happy. We were together. But it had to end. They took it away from us. But now, I'm the only one left to remember. I feel the burden of denial. The denial that we are over, that we have left the world. It seems that day was merely a dream. Maybe I was dreaming...

I wish I could answer that. But I cannot. It hurts, endlessly. And... you're not here to stop it. It has been a few years since you've gone. I've felt so alone. The world and it's unending misery-politics just brings me...

Why?! Why did you have to go? No... it was I. I couldn't protect you, then. I am now paying the price. But it seems I have inherited a pain for many. Is there a world where there is no pain? Perhaps it is a subjective thing. Perhaps it is just a perception. This is a perception which i can...purge.

Yes...I shall.

I still remember those days we spent in the house. We used to listen to the sounds of the owls at night. We used to listen to the fawn playing in the grass. We used to hear the fish swimming delightfully in their gardens of water. We used to walk through the forest, while looking for newly formed buds in the spring. I just cannot believe it had to end. This... horrid pain I feel. It consumes me. Our dear Alicia, I had to let her go. My hatred would have destroyed her. She is now with better people.

For the rest of the world, their chatter bemuses me. I seek vengeance upon this pain. I shall relish as the cries of man present its last words. I shall silence them, so that pain never has it's glory. I shall stir a bittersweet cocktail of reality. But there shall not be any pain. It exists only to hurt. Silence is the only cure..."

His wings gave a great heave and he took to the sky. Like an archangel he soared until he was no longer visible, way above the clouds. Perhaps, there was a silent scream inside this dark avenger that could save the world - that could save himself.

[Part VI] Come as you are

2008-11-19T05:23:00.003+08:00

Death is never late. At least, that's what they all say. In fact, that is just the problem about death - you don't know it. It just comes when it comes. You can't stop it. You might delay it with an operation or two for those blocked arteries. Or maybe you can try medication from the modern marvels of science. Or you can even go on some magical therapy to extend your life. It all boils down to one fact - you're dead, when you're dead. There is no stopping it.

That was the fate of perhaps the loneliest man on earth. Well, one of the loneliest men on earth. His name was Adam, a very innocent name, but his reputation carried anything but innocence. He was more well known as Serpent - a name given to him by the American Triads. Yes, American Triads. It was a joke, really, of the Asian Triads - where it all really started.

He was minding his own business - as usual. You could imagine what a hired assassin for the mafia would be doing in his free time. He was cooking his favourite dish that just happened to be a delicious serving of spaghetti and meatballs. And of course, death came along, but didn't bother knocking.

It started slow, with the first bite of his dish. His whole body went weak and he started feeling nauseated. There was this crushing feeling upon his chest and his head just felt like he'd been struck by lightning. There was a ringing in his ears and his eyes, his eyes felt like they were about to pop out of their sockets. Then he saw him, that dark figure, looming right before him.

He summoned all his will to look up at the person who must have poisoned his food. He saw long hair, jet black and he seemed to be putting on surgical gloves. He produced something that looked like a miniature clockwork device from his trench-coat. It seemed to beat to a rhythm, like soft heartbeats.

"I put it in while you were in the toilet."

The question looming Adam's head was answered. When had the man put in the poison? Then, he caught the gaze of the dark figure and he realized that the poison wasn't even needed. Merely that gaze could have brought him down on his knees. It was a mix of rage, pleasure and frenzied bloodlust, all bearing down on one single victim - him. His body limped yet even more. Even with all his training and experience, he couldn't control his urge to just be afraid, very afraid.

"So, this is how death looks like...huh?" Adam tried to crack a joke.

"No...not yet!" the figure suddenly smiled, as if his cue had come.

The dark figure plunged his hands against Adam's chest. The force was so immense that there was a crack as Adam's ribs broke. He felt fingernails digging deep into his chest. Deeper, deeper and deeper they went, until somehow...his heart stopped beating. He couldn't comprehend the sensation. There was only pain to feel, more and more pain, but somehow the throbbing wasn't there. Then, he felt it, a gush of warmth into his chest cavity, and he fell unto the table.

"Don't die, just yet..." he heard.

He turned his face upwards and saw that the clockwork device had gone. Instead, there was a pool of blood on the table, spilling from his...spaghetti meatballs! The device was a pacemaker, something to keep him alive, for a few moments. The pain in his chest that he had just felt, was the ripping out of his...heart! He wailed...

A dark laughter rang through the air. It was him, it had to be him. This devil was enjoying it. It was like a meal to him. He delighted in Adam's horror. He was mad, insane!

"Here... let me put your meat into... slightly smaller portions..." another bolt of laughter crackled lightly. He heard a knife slicing through some meat and gushes of liquid spilling out after each slice. He could imagine his heart being sliced into edible portions as his vision started to fail him.

"Here, eat your heart out...silently...no need for words. They only make things worse."

A final click of the kitchen door, and that was the end of Adam. Death had come for him, as it it, as it ever will be, with all its misery, and all its mortifying reality.

[Part V] Jumper

2008-11-15T05:28:00.005+08:00

Like the sunset he goes
and like the morning star he comes...

The sun only stays in the sky for the period that the day allows it, but who are we to know? We only see the sun for the existence of the days that we live in. We see it through the timezones that we are under. As the earth spins, we do not spin with it. We are too insignificant, we travel too slowly, to catch up with the pace of the natural order. But when is it that men have ever followed the natural order?

The answer is perhaps a definite "never". There was a time when a person named Brian wanted to commit suicide. It was because he had lost everything he loved. He could not bear to live another day. The seconds that ticked by were like pins and needles that constantly pricked at his skin. But Brian was special, he was exceptional. He was the barer of a very unique weapon passed down through an ancient cult called the "Shades". This weapon was called the doppleganger. It transformed into any shape that suited the bearer at any moment of time. At that time, Brian wanted to take his life...

Time changes
People change
sometimes just for the worse
but the worse is yet to come
or has it already arrived?
the truth about change is that
nothing remains the same
nothing remains unchanged
life goes on
even if in darkly lit shadows

[Part IV] Pushing me away

2008-11-14T05:39:00.004+08:00

Behind every scene, there's a backstage. Those are the facts behind any drama. They are also the fact behind every movie. Even every person has their past - its just a matter of finding out.

There's an office space in a government office that not many employees visit. It's underground and its a very shady area. The halls are brightly lit, but the walkways are narrow. The doors are separated 10 meters apart and it looks like place where you would like to hide your most prized possessions. But at the end of that corridor, that only corridor, there is a room. That room belongs to the in-house psychiatrist. Today, she was seeing one of her most dangerous clients.

"Good morning."

"Good night."

"Where should we start today?"

*Chuckles darkly*

"Have you been up to anything interesting?"

"I walked in here today."

"Yes. A planned visit. Very interesting indeed."

"Yes. Most of what i do isn't planned, don't you agree, doctor?"

*Nods*

This was a stereotype conversation that went on with this dangerous client. The "dangerous" was actually a label that the CIA and FBI put on him. But in this room where there was only one table, two chairs and a dim light above, he was completely placid, if not a little intimidating. But the doctor knew well enough about how he came to be labeled dangerous. This very twisted form of an assassin killed people for a living. At least, that was what he currently did. He had those dark eyes and a very curious snarl. It was characteristic of a murderer, not someone you would put on a loose leash to finish off top priority jobs. But somehow, this disaster of society seemed to have an extremely calm and controlled inner-self. Although his actions portrayed anything but that, the sessions she had with him seemed very nostalgic in nature. He spoke little, but when he did, there was this tone of wisdom and hurt.

It seemed sad that he had a philosophy which mankind could only learn from pain and suffering because this man that sat before her seemed to have a message to send out. If only he had the proper means to do it. More appropriately said, if only he had the acceptable means to send his message. He was an outcast for his actions. The FBI and CIA never warranted such actions, but times called for drastic measures. He didn't do jobs perfectly, but he finished them. His precision was delicate, but only in the toying of his victims. He never reported a completed assignment. His supervisors only had to wait for the morning news to report some gruesome murder or murders from the doing of a madman.

The doctor's role in therapy was to make sure this individual was stable. The first time he walked in, she sensed no need for that at all. Instead, this man should be the one giving her therapy for stability. He had the most concrete values system, although twisted, she had ever encountered. She could never shake him, but she could be a listening ear. She could be his historian. Somehow he liked that and let watch him through that little window that he allowed her. She often thought to herself,"Sometimes, society does crap...crap like this. They just love to make monsters out of people. Just by...pushing them away....sad."

"Should we continue with the session next time?"

"I think, you should know about Sarah."

Now this was a new revelation. "Who is Sarah?"

"She is my daughter. And, I know this session is being taped, if not by you, by them. If any harm comes to her...."

"I..."

"Hush..." he smiled softly, it was like sun had broken through the rain clouds. "Don't speak of her. Ever again."

He stood up and walked towards the door. "It only hurts the more you think about it." He slightly turned his head to face her, making sure she saw that twisted grin on his face before let the door shut behind him.

She could hear his footsteps as he paced away from the room. It dawned upon her, that he could be human after all.

"Incredible..."

[Part III] Story of a Girl

2008-11-13T04:11:00.005+08:00

"You know the feeling that you get, the feeling when you just know you've found someone?"

"Yeah"

"Well, that's how he felt some time ago..."

"Really? You mean that psycho actually has a heart?"

"Had... had. That's the key word here. He had a heart..."

"Interesting. Tell me about it?"

"Yeah well, they met somewhere. Actually wait...he found her somewhere. He was on a mission kinda thing, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah i get it..."

"Well, so... he found her. She was like this princess from some forbidden kingdom. I don't know the details of her past, but heck, she was like snow white. My god, I've only seen her once, but i tell ya...she's a real beauty. Not just the looks, but she's got this...this thing about her, you know?"

"Wow... a playboy like you falling in love?"

"Hah hah... yeah, right. But really, it's no joke, you know? Well she was his everything. Nothing ever mattered after..."

"Oh hey, i got to go. Got this stupid meeting i have to get to. You tell me the story some other time, huh?

"Yeah...yeah, sure thing. But, just think about it... For some guy to go nuts like he has, my gawd, she must've been something, you know?"

"Yeah...i think maybe more. C'ya."

Somewhere not too close, yet not too far away, the maniacal killer stood on the top of a building. There was a strong breeze blowing from the south. It stroked his long, greying hair. The man just stood there, unphased and seemingly away from reality. He was brooding again.

"I'll make them understand. All of them. All..of...them... They shall know my pleasure in pain!"

He had a wicked sort of laughter. The type that even an undertaker would think twice before approaching. The type that one would imagine belonging to a dead-man-walking.

[Part II] breaking the habit

2008-11-10T04:20:00.004+08:00

Have you ever...

"Try to destroy yourself. Everyday, is like another bad memory. The sound of your footsteps remind you that you're the only one left alive. Of all the people that had to die, and all those tragic accidents, and all those bitter fruits, and all those poison ivys, you're the only one left alive..after all that tragedy"

Have you ever...

"Said that today is the last day. And today i should end it all... But i can't, i can't!"

The torture continues...

"The walls are hollow, and they break from my beating. The tables are brittle, the chairs are broken, the glass is shattered, my mind is on fire... and it is all my doing. Those mindless thoughts are just another chapter of my life. How far have i come from the beginning? Not the beginning of my birth, but the rebirth that i went through. I lost it all, everything. Now where do i go to find my peace? Where is my solace?"

There is no peace for the tormented
There is no solace for my blade
There is only pain
Just waiting to be done
Shall I break the silence
And condemn myself to this pain?
No, I shant!
I shall live through this evil
I shall cause the withering
I shall cause the suffering
Because it is all but me
That shall be killed
That shall be lost
I am a teacher of death
And you all shall...
suffer

In the doorway, stood the tall, dark figure. His sword still bloody from the victims of his latest endeavor. He removed the sheath that covered his blade, and as he ran through his memory, the only left memory, of his former life, it seemed that the faces were smiling back at him. It looked as if they thanked him. In his twisted form of reality, he was a god, he was a savior. He was a rebirth of Satan, the bringer of death. As he cleaned his blade, he grinned and awaited his next case of destruction...

[Part I] don't speak

2008-11-08T13:12:00.005+08:00

There's a commotion in Central Square, where three bank robbers have just managed to heist a huge amount of cash. The bank alarm is ringing as loud as the banker's pockets - loud and clear. A few blocks away, the carefully disguised felons have already made their way to a getaway vehicle. It's a black sedan, a very posh one, and they drive slowly out of a parking lot whilst bringing no suspicion at all.

Hours later, they reach a safehouse and start counting their bounty. A total of ten million dollars. It's enough for the four of them to last a lifetime of luxury. They might not be living like Donald Trump, but they'll surely be enjoying themselves somewhere far away from the city.

A small breeze wisps past the window and a very soft click opens the door of their safehouse. None of them notice as a tall, darkly dressed figure steps inside. The figure allows a very heavy footstep and the four of the felons startle as they turn around to face the intruder.

But before they could even ask who, or reach for their pistols, there was a bloody thump on the floor. The intruder had just sliced clean through one of their comrade's head. The others were stunned in a mix of awe and fear. The figure standing before them seemed to loom darkly before them. He inched closer and they saw that grin on his face - the type of grin you never want to see. He looked like a gentlemen in his finely made khakis and trenchcoat. But that long blade waving from side to side just seemed to compliment his maniacal grin. He just seemed like anyone's worst nightmare.

The intruder stared from the other three felons and slowly drew his gaze towards the decapitated head on the floor. A pool of blood was forming around the head. The body was still seated on the chair and having muscle spasms. He played his blade around the decapitated body's chest and then stabbed his blade deep into the area where the heart would be. He pulled out his blade and blood came gushing out of the wound like a fountain. His blade was covered in bloody from the tip to half way down the blade. His grin grew even wider.

He made his way to the closest person still alive. The felon, sensing his death, seemed to crumble under the gaze. It was like death had come, but with a maniacal twist. "Hush now...It only hurts more if you scream..." the intruder said. His eyes were red with an inconsolable rage and his grin just grew wider as he plunged his blade into the felon's stomach.

A shrieking wail cracked through the silence. The intruder let out a sickening laughter as he stared down his already dying victim. Instead of pulling out his blade, he turned it inside his body and forced it out through the side. He left the helpless man to bleed to death in his last moments of pain and agony.

He turned his gaze to the other two bank robbers. They were frozen in their seats. One of them just couldn't stand it anymore and broke into tears,"No..please..no...!" Before he could finish, the blade had plunged into his chest, near his heart. "Sshh...don't speak..it only hurts more..." coyed the intruder. He surgically cut around the victim's heart and then drew it out with his blade. It was still beating. The intruder seemed to savour the moment. He lowered his blade and placed his frenzied gaze on the last bank robber.

The heart slid slowly to the floor. Before the last person could speak, there intruder was already infront of him and there was something blocking his throat. He tried to feel it with his hands and he met the sharp, steel surface of the blade. He was chocking in his own blood.

"Ssshhhhh..."

Take the devil and turn him into a man. Imagine how the shrill laughter he would make. Then remember it, remember that laughter. It was the last thing that would haunt the robbers for an eternity in hell.

pandora's box

2008-11-04T12:34:00.002+08:00

i have no more words to say. it has come to a point where i can no longer function with much of my emotions and memories which are now rampart and chaotic. a final straw has been drawn and i can no longer fuel enough for them to stay calm. they seek now the other energies that lie within me, because now the others are now the higher powers. so i can only do what is within my own power. it is just to shut down and venture back into the autonomous state which shares much similarity the mechanical artificial intelligence.

somehow i hope these walls will hold for the moment.

somehow i hope that one day i will no longer need these walls to place a duality between reality and the facade.

Awake...

2008-11-03T04:23:00.002+08:00

when u suddenly wake up from a dream, you first start from a blur, because you've been asleep for a period of time and you need some pause to bring yourself back to reality. It's like you've removed yourself from a "subconscious" world and "come back" to some reality. The dream world is probably something like a bubble of your own subconscious. You might say that you live in your own world. People don't really exist because they just are not there. They are only there in reality.

But somehow that dream world is like a winter wonderland. You can imagine what you want. You can think what you like. You can eat, do, sleep, dance and do whatever you want. Its basically what its called - a dreamworld. And then, ironically you have to wake up to reality. A place where you're not the only one that counts. A place where there are...other matters. And somehow other matters normally outweigh the dreams that you wish to happen. We all have our dreams, but not all of them become reality. That is a fact that everyone has to accept.

Just that sometimes it happens suddenly, and it slams you in the face.

I just realized i probably have been living a dream for the past nearly 22 years of my life. I woke up from that dream 4 years ago. I've been in that blur for 4 years. Now i'm probably awake. I think i've finally managed to realize what i want. What i really want and not what i dream. I'm an idealist, but i need to be practical as well. I wish i never woke up from my dream. I wish i could have stayed under. Because now, i really have a problem. How do i tell everyone else that i've woken up from my dreams and realized i'm a totally different person? How do i tell everyone else, that what i want is not the same as everyone expects of me? How do i tell everyone else, that i don't want to be the person they hoped i would be or could be?

How do i tell everyone, that i just want to be...me?

the lost boys (humans)

2008-10-30T03:37:00.002+08:00

"Where is the sun, when i need it most...i feel so miserable because there is no warmth, because i just cannot see what i am experiencing. And yet i am a blind man, what would i need to see?"

"Well, i am a sighted man, and i say the sun brings me no comfort. Actually, it makes me feel hot and stings my eyes when i look at it. Why so, is there this sun? Did God place it there to torture my eyes?"

"I cannot see what you mean, but i may empathize. That perhaps, is the best that i can do. But how can u say that the sun is torturous, when your world is filled with fascinating colours and shades? I can only imagine, while my eyes see a "nothingness" that you may never understand. To you, it is a black colour, but to me it is the only colour that i see, but which i name "nothing"..."

"No. The sun fills the world with too much...too much...colour and other things. It seems too much information for me to discover. I am sighted, and because i am so, it somehow becomes a onus to seek what the sunlight brings light to. Ironic so you may talk about the nothing that you see. Your mind itself constructs colours as i could never imagine. The shapes and sounds that you create with those blind eyes, if i were able to see them, would destroy my entire world. Because they are the power of thoughts and your imagination is boundless because the sun doesn't restrict your sight."

"I do not think so. I feel that i live in an eternal darkness. I cannot see what it means to be...green in envy, nor red in anger. The houses are just rough and smooth surfaces to me. They are too big for my hands to measure and too high for me to scale. My mind's eye is made of broken pieces which i can never make sense of. I only see a fraction of reality. One may say that i live in my own world, and even another blind man's world is different, as you say your world is different from mine. I too have a responsibility, that is to be blind. I may not speak of the world as you do, i merely imagine it. For the world is covered in a shroud that my eyes shall never lift."

*****
If things were any easier, perhaps the world might see through everything else and just stop. The time which it takes for me to look into another person's eyes and tell that he is a man or a woman takes me a lifetime. But the time it takes for me to feel human is merely an instant, but a fleeting one, where i know i may last only a hundred years - more or less. There may be no similarity between man, and perhaps little difference as well. The worlds we live in demand many things. Some depend on our similarity, some depend on our difference. We are different and same, this chaos of a paradox is like pandora's box. The only real thing that's left is a minor adjustment to the lense which we view ourselves and the world around. See you as you see another, and maybe you can see past all the differences and realize we all came from the same place and shall all end at the same place as well. Humans are perhaps most lost in the midst of deciding what they are to become. Who they are is decided by other people - parents, media, leaders, bosses, etc. What you become is an identity not many pursue. We lose ourselves between becoming something, and following another...

bad things happen

2008-10-30T03:29:00.002+08:00

sometimes it's better to keep it inside
because sometimes
it's so bad, that
once you let it out
you know
you can't hold back

sometimes things are better left untold
because sometimes
it's too much, that
you just
want to run away and never look back

sometimes, it hurts too much
and you know
you're not a cold-hearted wretch
but you just put on a cold face
and hope your sorrow freezes over

sometimes, it's just too much for words
and only that numbing silence
makes it feel that little bit better...

the question of perseverence

2008-10-27T04:29:00.003+08:00

i realize now
as it draws nearer
there's that something
inside the anticipation
that gives me
that little bit
of chilling hope
and invigorating fear

now that i see the door
infront of me,beside me
behind me and all around
i find myself being very afraid
afraid of something called destination
that i might reach there

somehow i am starstruck
for now that it seems to be so near
after such a long journey
i find myself frozen
for the journey has worn me down
a little too much for comfort.

so do i still go on?

S.A.D disease

2008-10-19T03:32:00.002+08:00

He stands still; staring at the horizon that's far, far away...

The sun sets and his eyes want to close shut. He never wants to see another sunset. The dimming light reminds him of the sad reality he lives in. The enclosed dread he holds within himself shatters the defenses of which he makes a facade. That's all there is to him - a facade. It's just another face full of joy and energy, while deep inside there's nothing but a hollow creek. That creek awaits to be filled with some drops of merry dewdrops. But those drops are but a dream. At most, they form in the morning mist. Before even the scent reaches his awareness, the dawn brings the sun and the dew disappears, along with the hope of a tomorrow.

There's a saying in these dreadful worlds that there's always a silver lining. Well, if you turn silver into copper, and then melt it down to metal scrap, you might just find what silver looks like. It feels like cold, hard steel and stings with an icy feel. When the brooding feeling of loss freezes over, he can't help but look at the sun again. At that moment, he realizes that tomorrow is a new day - a new day of...loss, sorrow and disappointment.

Wake / Sleep

2008-10-10T04:54:00.002+08:00

I don't feel like sleeping. I feel like it's just a useless chore to do because my body gets tired. Why do I even have to think that i have to rest myself when i can keep on going? Sleep is like some way to reorganize my thoughts so that i do not go mad with all the overwhelming information - that's how i see it. So, what's the use of sleeping? I'll just stay awake and have the time of the world (literally). Let's see, if the average person sleeps 8 hours a day, i have an extra 8 hours to work on things. I can read more, play more. Rest, well that's for food, showers and other stuff. Maybe there's not enough stuff to keep me awake. Hmm...well then i'll just have to find more stuff to do, right? It's easy. Get a part time job, write a book, read something interesting and all that. Plus there's always more to discover out there. I'm no textbook and i'm not about to write one either. But what i can do is gather enough stuff so that maybe i can even comtemplate writing a text book. So, i explore! Sleep, it's something that's not me. So i'll just stay awake my whole life. If i can...

Sleeping...now that's something that maybe i'm doing right now. Am i dreaming and writing this at the same time? Is it sleep walking? Maybe i won't wake up, ever. That's a dream come true! I won't have to deal with all the crap going on in the world. The economic crisis is damning and getting everyone on edge. I won't have to see those depressed faces and those already on edge go mad just over a dollar's change. Yeah, i'll just sleep and drown in my own fantasies. I'll create my own world in my mind, with it's undefined laws and create things that only i could imagine. In a blink i could be in Africa and then the next moment i'm back home. That's sleeping paradise. Nightmares, maybe they could be adventures. Waking up is just not an option. Maybe they'll call me a vegetable. Is there a possibility that i could sleep so much that i actually die?

Ironic as it sounds i'm stuck in a situation where i do not know if i want to stay awake or i just want to fall asleep altogether. When i'm awake i just don't want to sleep. As insane as it sounds all this information, however tired it makes me, creates an insanity that makes me calm. I somehow understand those crazy thoughts and it just gives me a little bit of energy to take a next bite out of life. Sleeping, i get rest. But some days i wake up dazed even though i've slept for more than 12 hours. I dream and that somehow saps up all my energy. Maybe it's like the yin and yang thing. I'm supposed to turn my energy to yin in the night and yang in the day. Maybe i'm just tapping into one source of energy and forgetting about the other. It's all speculation but could i be in a place where i am being pulled apart? A balance...but i'm lost in balancing. I want this and that and everything just collides. It's chaos...theory...not really. I'm chaos - now that's a fact.

i veli scared

2008-10-10T04:49:00.002+08:00

i toking baby tok....

nope...cut it out..it's just plain annoying..

no..dowan..wai u wan 2 tok liddat? then i kenot tok liddis izit?

....whatever.....

den wad u wan lar...? dun kip on complain lar...

i'm not complaining. i'm wondering how you can talk like that and still understand me...? right? wrong?

of coz i understand u lar. both toking england mar...

(duality...)

Belong

2008-10-07T04:27:00.002+08:00

I've got the strangest feeling. I arrived back home from an almost one week holiday in melaka, but...i feel that i've disconnected the wiring between my mind and body. My thoughts are still stuck in limbo as if i'm still in melaka, staying over at my friend's house. It got me thinking that what's in my friend's place and what's in my home in kl, aren't that different. Maybe just the people and environment, but the feel, they're just the same - both empty and unplaced inside me. I don't feel a belonging anywhere. I don't know if that's sad...or good.

I asked myself this question: where do i really feel like "home"? I can't really give an answer to that question. It's a messed up thing. I feel home when there's someone there. So, home is a very mobile thing. When someone, people, is there I feel like someone else. By myself i'm probably another sod that lives at home and daydreams all day long (besides the gaming routine). I study (i guess) and read stuff. But stuff is somehow irrelevant to what i really want. Stuff is just like an object that i read about, i try out and eventually i place inside one of those thousand shelves of memories at the back of my mind. What actually works for me is that flow of feel. Am i being dramatic? Perhaps melodramatic...

I've come to enjoy conversations in the past few years (something that i've never enjoyed before the age of 18). I like people now. I wasn't exactly anti-social in the past, just avoidant. Now i still find social contact a bit too overwhelming. The things that go through my mind when i walk in the midst of a crowd...it's just mind boggling - i don't understand why i work that way. But it happens and i need that music, a shutter to break the silence of buzzing thoughts - so i can concentrate on the present.

I wonder what i would do without my eyes. How would i see? Would it be through feelings? What type of evolutionary sense would i evolve? Or might i just stutter and be a paralytic homosapien? I still get lost in my own thoughts. Maybe that's why i sometimes can't explain myself very well. When people ask who i am, i probably give a very random answer. I can't describe myself because it's an experience for me. I change when i'm determined and i slack when i just don't get that intuition. When i feel listless i'm lost in the world of visual-metaphoric-perception. Perhaps i'm a lost child, and i always will be.

Then when i do find somewhere to belong, it'll be to someone...probably not somewhere. Someone. I like the sound of that.

the beckoning

2008-09-25T03:49:00.002+08:00

I have a thirst for the truth. I have a thirst that my curiosity can no longer quench. I have a thirst which goes beyond my understanding. I have a thirst eternal, though it does not turn me immortal...

I am a limited being. It may seem to much for many to live. It may seem to little for some to suspect. It may seem so minute, enough for those to live in ignorance. It may even seem magnificent, something which i am yet to feel...

And how many times have i succeeded? And how many times have i walked the road not taken? And how many times have i tried to shed some light? And how many times have i given away my angels? And how many times have i walked among the glorious, only to remember the bitter failure...

Thus, there's something more that i should do. Thus, there's something more for me to find. Thus, there's many a person for me to know. Thus, there's too many for me to go alone...

And i come to wonder why loss takes such a toll upon me. And i come to wonder why i have a tortured soul sitting inside me. And i come to wonder why my intellect hides my sorrow. And i come to wonder how i fractured a God given soul. And i come to wonder where i have lost the parts of me. And i come to wonder where i have misplaced my peace. And i come to wonder where i should find my kind of salvation. And i come to wonder when it will all end...

I should tease my sorrows and look above. But the blue skies, they are sometimes too bright. And the light stings me, too bright, and i have to shut my eyes and see without my sight. But the warmth of the light, i feel. The rays as they dim and strengthen, the heat rises and falls. I feel the wind that glides with the clouds. I smell the rain before it comes, that smell of water untainted. And i see with my shut eyes, far greater than i could with them open. I ask why does it hurt so much...

although my life is just beginning, i feel that the heavy weight of end is coming far too late...

i

2008-09-25T03:46:00.002+08:00

Today i look myself in the eye
through the mirror
the reflection
which my mind sees
through my eyes
through my perception
the image otherwise blur
has been made
in a form recognizable
but deep inside
i feel something else
as if what i see is all a lie
and i start to ask myself
what am i...

The evolution of survival

2008-09-13T03:35:00.002+08:00

Over the millenias, it's been linked that man has evolved from primates to homosapiens. After revisiting a fundamental question about "what makes a human "human"?" in philosophy class, i stumbled upon something that i find very interesting.

The evolution of man has turned placed man "one step ahead" of other species on earth. But somehow i wonder to myself if this fact is really truth. Theories on evolution always state that each individual of a species has one main goal in life: to sustain the existence of the species - basically survival. This would place the actions of man in a very utilitarian perspective because everything you do is for the survival of the species. So, you getting married, having children, buying that car, buying that house, living a celebrity life is all to make sure your species can survive for the generations to come. Read the previous sentence again and tell me are you really convinced?

I don't think that buying that fancy watch can help you survive. I don't think that you need a sports car to survive. If you want to go that fast, why not just buy a jet plane? Do you really need those non-transfat foods stuffs or organic foods to survive? If you really go back to basics, survival needs for organisms on earth (let's take humans for example) are just food, water and atmosphere. Living quarters? We build them or find them. Everything else is something that is provided by the environment or ravaged from the environment (to put it more accurately).

I came to think that, if you just look at things from a biological perspective, everything just comes down to sex and propagation. Is life really that for the person in the 21st century? Maybe that description would be more accurate for the cavemen that lived a very long, long, long...you get the point...time ago. But how about now? Can we still look at survival from merely a biological perspective?

I think it's time to change. We can no longer look at survival like we used to. We must look at survival as something that humans require now and today. In the World War, survival was defending your turf. Countries had to utilize manpower to train armies to fight off the impending scourge of total annihilation. Probably that was the case for a few centuries before that as well when there was a "land rush" as nations tried to conquer lands for their own countries sake. Well, this was until the human race learned that we are capable of something called peace. So now, what is survival?

To me, survival has taken a very strange twist. It no longer depends solely on propagation, but now concerns on more social and economical aspects of life. Take for example the process of courting. Centuries ago, men courted woman through a very patriarchal process.

1. Boy likes girl.
2. Boy goes to girl's father.
3. Boy marries girl.

Okay, this is just a general process of what you might find in the medieval age. How about now?

1. Boy likes girl.
2. Boy tells girl.
3. Boy dates girl.
4. They both meet parents.
5. Boy marries girl.

Of course, the process is much more complicated. But then, don't you see a difference? There's so much more involved in the process of courting compared a few centuries ago. So let's see...if human beings had evolved from beings with less intelligence to beings with more intellect, can i conclude that there must be also an evolution in the perceptions of the many issues that concern survival?

Let's place survival as a totally "invisible utilitarian" force that propels the human race towards a future. Before people started categorizing and implying various philosophies and questions, the word utilitarian didn't even exist, but the concept of survival did. It's been around ever since life started on earth. Every species fights for its survival. Well, we can't accurately say that animals actually "fight" for their survival against human beings. Come on, humans are everywhere and we decide whether we let the animals survive or not. Who's the one who's building reservations and animal sanctuaries? We are. But let's not get carried away and think we are playing god. The point is that as humans have developed the sense of being the "top-of-the-food-chain" attitude, the concept of survival of the fittest has been twisted. We no longer really need to "survive" because we are not fighting against other species anymore. Instead, it looks like we are having to save other species from extinction, which is our own doing as well (... the irony).

So what is the new survival tactic? I believe it has turned into a dog eat dog world and that the concept of survival has evolved based on our changing perceptions towards the issues that concern us. In the past, the issues of concern were the raging wars and having to fight against animals for territory. But that's no longer the case. Today, we have the ability to crush any resistance that comes our way (almost all). Disease control and outbreaks have met a new evolutionary tool - medicine. We have bombs and guns which all other species lack. Probably the only force that we cannot defeat is the natural forces themselves (thus leading to our trying to control the temperament of the earth). But besides that, we have become so wrapped up in the everyday musings of education, carries, getting married and having fun that survival has probably evolved into our needs to have these items for sustenance.

Okay, i'm gonna try and turn something very beautiful into a derogative survival instinct. If there were only a man and a woman left on earth, they would most probably propagate to ensure there are future generations. Those future generations would propagate more to ensure a higher probability of more future generations..and so on and so on. But the case of today is that there are around nearly 7 billion human beings on earth. So, we have an abundance of selection and variety (excuse my use of terms). So, having the best qualities that a person should have would be instinctive to get a partner. Then, you can conclude that caring for your loved one is just a survival instinct. (I'm not saying you should care any less for a loved one)

You no longer have to be afraid of death because a natural death is the most probably cause of death which will be written on your death certificate. All governments have social welfare services which ensure you some form of insurance until you are "supposed" to die. Or else, the social network of caring human beings around you will support you and get you back on your feet. So what is survival to you? Your job, being you, being human being - being accepted.

In the Nazi concentration camps, there was a case of a catholic priest that decided that he would freely sacrifice himself and die along with the Jews. Before wednesday's lecture i wouldn't have an answer for you of why a person would sacrifice himself in the world of today. I admit, i never gave it much thought. But since wednesday, i've come to a plausible conclusion that the priest was attempting to ensure survival. You see, survival has taken a twist in that it's no longer a biological thing, but more of a psychological thing. We've learned that one person doesn't really "die" when he is signed death by a doctor. But rather, a person lives on through other people or through his faith that he or she will live. The priest, in my opinion, would see that he has a place in heaven and thus sacrificing himself would ensure his survival through his faith because he has eternal afterlife awaiting for him. So, his sacrifice was an attempt to survive within an afterlife promised by his faith.

All this discussion of survival turning into more of a psychological matter brings to rise questions of how the human future will be. Perhaps those thinkers who think that there is a higher state of existence in the form of pure energy were correct. The theory of the conservation of energy, if correct, states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. Maybe humans were created from energy and have so far evolved to such a physical state. Perhaps, there is a further evolution which involves a state of pure energy. Will we still have our consciousness? Or will we just transform into energy and be part of the universe.

Those are questions which are yet to be answered and perhaps only time can unravel.

But how about the past:
1. How did energy become infused inside chemicals and substances to make up a lifeforms?
2. What was the special factor that made evolution foster such dramatic changes compared to the evolution of other beings in the history of life on earth?

loss...

2008-09-09T04:20:00.002+08:00

I don't think i've ever talked about this to anyone before, but...i think it's been bugging me for a very...very long time..i think...2 years to be exact. It's about..someone..a girl..whom i met on the internet. No, i didn't get into any romantic affair with this girl, but she was a dear friend and perhaps this is one of the most hearbreaking stories i could ever tell...

I think i was around sixteen. Yeah, i'm quite sure of it and i just got introduced to friendster by my friends. I guess i was just following the trend back then, but it did lead to some very interesting advents in my life online. Perhaps the one of the best things that ever happened to me through friendster was meeting this girl, Nicky. It's gonna sound so cliche, but i actually thought she was a guy...and she initially thought that i was a girl. Yes, taste the irony...

I added her because she had this picture of RO (Ragnarok Online) posted as her profile picture. I was into the game at the time and i guess i was looking for people to chat with as well. Sooner after i added her on msn and we started having these chats about...almost everything. I guess it was a start of a new friendship. You know, it was one of those things that i can say "made me want to stay online". Back then, "online" wasn't a very convenient thing because we were still in the dial-up era. But i really enjoyed having conversations with her.

But then slowly, i guess we slowly grew apart. But the last straw was when one day, i think she blocked me. I THINK. I can't ever be sure. But i think i can be pretty sure of the reason. I just broke up from a relationship and *wham* i was literally in pieces. So...yeah, being the attention seeking person i was (maybe still am) i was bugging her. I think she just got ticked off and decided to be over with me.

That....was i think the most terrible and horrific thing that ever happened to me. You know, when the consequences of your behavior just hit you slap-bang-in-your-face style. Okay, maybe for other thickheaded people it's nothing, but for me it was a very big deal. And it still is.

I just can't stop looking back at that moment when it happened. It was like, a wake up call that there's just something wrong with me - something that made people just want to push me away. Hmm..ring ring goes a song in my head. I can tell you that i plummeted down into some hole in the far corner of my soul and never came out for a good few months. I had just lost some last glimmer of hope...and i really didn't know where else to look for some helping hand. Those were....the start of some very dark days of my life. I admit that i'm still struggling from the aftershock. I haven't gotten over this...mistake that i've done.

I really feel so sorry. It's a wonder that i've always been scared to be a burden to other people. And so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that materialized in that form. Her email are still on my msn and friendster, but i've never spoken to her since. I don't know what happened to her.

In the beginning, i was afraid of the worst. I'll not mention that paranoid thought. I guess it was just a denial of the obvious fact that she just blocked me. When i realized it, i couldn't face myself for a very long time. I felt like a total failure and somehow i still feel it inside me. It's resonating like the impulses that my brain sends down my veins. Now, i still think about her. Especially in those times that sudden flashes of my past come into my thoughts. That vein of hatred of myself still pulses, even though it seems just a shredded leaf. Those pieces are like razors that bite across my skin...

I guess you can say that she was one of those friends that i really could relate to. And to lose such a friend...i really had messed up. It's like losing a connection to some foundation which you thrive on. I think the amount of anguish i felt due to my break up had doubled because this incident happened.

If there would be a chance to ever meet her or speak to her again. I think i'd just want to say that i'm sorry for what i did. I really hope that she's doing well right now.

Dreams

2008-09-09T04:17:00.002+08:00

What does it mean for someone to have a dream? Does it mean idling on it everyday while you just daydream about it? Does it mean you act on it as it channels you that seemingly unlimited amount of energy? Or do you just let it go as the storm clouds make their next pass?

late

2008-09-05T03:18:00.000+08:00

late late late late late late late...

i'm somehow always late for something...

maybe i'm late for everything....

emote vs intellect

2008-08-29T03:18:00.002+08:00

hmm...

i've always noticed how i somehow switch to intellectual ramblings when i get too overwhelmed by my emotions. Yes, i do have Feelings as well. I'm human after all. I've realized that this articulation not only helps me get some catharsis but it also serves for something that's counter-intuitive. It actually helps me run...

How in the world, i ask myself, can i run...? I've been doing it for such a long time that it's become embedded inside my "defensive" tactics or whatever you call it. This intellect somehow comes along to save the day if i get too worked up or..maybe what they call emo. It's something weird yet familiar.

I've always felt like i embody two sides of the same coin: one extremely emotion and another one which is some kinda intellectual foundry. Though, the two connect to each other in small yet significant ways. In the past few years i've discovered that a merge of the two can produce some very astounding results. Maybe, i'll not go into details. But actually, this is a clue to all my writings. I'm actually thinking and telling a story at the same time. So actually my ramblings might not make sense to others, but they make total sense to myself.

Lost

2008-08-27T03:52:00.002+08:00

I think of the future, i think as if it isn't going to come, and yet i live for tomorrow to come...

I've been fading, fading away... I think i always try to look at the bright side of things. But when i go back to my room and play the radio, i feel the opposite way. It just feel dreadful. There's never anyone around - never anyone who understands. I feel like a forgotten relic. I feel like nobody ever cared, and nobody ever will. I feel like this life is just so damned unfair. I feel like tomorrow, i just want to die, i just want it all to end. Tomorrow...

There's the alarm clock. I wish it didn't exist. I just want to sleep, because my dreams just seem more real. Not because they are the truth, but because they are more comforting. That's what i want. I wished for it a thousand times and i dreamed about it since forever. It never came. It...never came.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow. They just seem like packages of disappointment. What is it that i've done? These things keep happening, again and again, i just can't stop these miserable things from happening around me. Am I a vacuum for these kind of things? I wish it would turn around. Just take it all away.

I don't like how many people are: belittling, ignorant and just seemingly uncaring. I feel anarchy all around. I feel tyranny above. And below there's this sickening hell of comforting torture. There's no more wonderful in the good things. It's cool to be bad. Because at least bad tells you the dreadful truth. Even though it hurts, even though it's hard. It's not the best that counts. You say it and the rest is just bullshit.

Don't come preaching your peachy words to me. Look at yourself first. Do you even know what it means to live in sin? Do you know the many faces of compassion? Do you know the misery of seeing the truth? Do you comprehend the immensity of faith? Look at yourself before you come with all your blissful ignorance and all your communist compassion. Neither your ammunition nor your weapons can even touch the surface of belief. Look at your bloody defenses that you built just to cover up all the lies. Those lies you tell yourself everyday. Yes, those lies that make you stronger. You know, there's only one thing that grows when you take more from it. It's a hole. You're digging a huge hole inside you. There's no "w" to make you whole, it's just that ignorance covering up that gaping hole. Sooner or later, it'll be your own grave.

I want you to stop. Time has become a continuous pursuit of depression. I always wondered why i felt so lonely. It's because of you. You just won't stop for one moment, to look at those bodies that lay on your feet. As you walk and run, you trample. Those beneath you stay not in aw, but with despicable looks, not because they are evil, but because they see evil. What becomes of them, started in your hands and continues in your actions. The repercussion are all before you. But you just chose to look away and continue walking. It's not blasphemy and it's not anything that you wish to look at. It's just one huge mistake.

I wonder what happened to innocence. I wonder what happened to everyone. I wonder what ever happened to this thing called joy. I wonder what's going on in this crazy place. It's no longer the world. The world went extinct a long time ago. It was lost probably a century ago. Maybe it was when the first atomic bomb was used or even created. When did we lose our conscience? Oh no... we lose it before we even knew it. We lost is since we were born. Not born from our mother's wombs, but born into the world of infidelity and scorn. It's the day you realize you should do what's best...for me, I and myself. Everyone else is just secondary. Well realize this.The concept of you is nothing. It's something you never understood. Look around you and see that there's no such thing. See something bigger and perhaps you'll realize that you are just a lie. It's inside something bigger that you were just too blind to understand.

Because of that, you've ripped me apart. Torn, tarnished and stained.

Get out of my life. There's no place for you here. You took away my calm, my peace and my sanctuary.

Enclosure

2008-08-27T03:13:00.002+08:00

I think, it's been a million years since i've seen you. Even though you've been a million miles away, i've felt you near every day and night. I've not forgotten the time we spent walking down that railroad or how we used to talk late into the night on those long saturday nights.

Now for the first time, i think i've finally gotten a glimpse of you. Maybe for the last time, the very last. I'll keep it and hide it somewhere no one else will know. They'll never find out and it'll just be our little secret. But alas, i think it may be just a little bit too late.

It's been so long, since the last time we've met. I think there's only time left to let things be left to memory...

idiot dog

2008-08-26T08:37:00.002+08:00

i'm tired of having one particularly noisy, idiotic dog that barks non-stop and whines for whatever-heaven's sake. I'm never going to have a dog. i seriously think a cat would be more suitable for me. Maybe a tiger or a lion. This dog is just shit noisy.

sometimes you just need a little craziness

2008-08-25T13:35:00.002+08:00

today you just want to sleep
but tomorrow you have to work
and right now you have some time
to rest and relax and just forget
but when your alarm clock rings
your mind just wants to shut it off
your hands creep to smash it up
but inside you still have to work
so you get up and get ready
but then...an idea gets you
maybe i'll walk today
and tomorrow i'll drive
it's only a hour's hike

?

2008-08-24T04:10:00.002+08:00

I've come to wonder about how "logical" logic and rationality actually is. You know, people often talk about being instictive and being rational as two different things. They think rational actions are those which exclude emotional values and trend upon calculations and more utilitarian actions. But why?

I feel sometimes the "rational" things that people do can be equally instinctive. People who cannot find their way around town do the "rational" thing and just follow one direction until some sign board points them towards a place that they actually know. But some people who just have that directional sense would perhaps do it a different way but still get to the same place. So which one actually determines the rational or instinctive part? Process or result?

Some people are very religious about these things and just need to do it by-the-book style. But really, if you think about it, by-the-book is just something people have done via trial-and-error to make a book out of it. So, why can't we make our own book?

hmmmm.....

i'm really wondering what's going to happen in the next...two...weeks. something tells me that part of my life somehow depends on it. Or maybe it's just my "biological survival instincts" kicking in because i'm feeling really sick. Feeling abandoned once in awhile shouldn't do much damage. But what happens when you just feel it all the time? What happens....next?

2008-08-23T14:29:00.001+08:00

sleep
tired
rest
awake

Secret Past...?

2008-08-18T04:32:00.002+08:00

I think, things that have been bugging me are things that i did in the past, where little or no people know at all. Sigh, after listening over and over again to Freshmen by the Verve Pipe, i'm all nostalgic over my past "crushes" or dates (somehow).

I think my friends from melaka would think that my first crush was on this girl in secondary school. It was form 4 and i think the term "honeymoon year" might have took a too literal turn on my life. Love was in the air? I don't know. But it just started. Suddenly i was just washed over by this..urge or whatever you call it, to just notice this girl. Damn. I think from that day i became some kind of dramatic poet. I actually penned by first poem for this girl. Heck knows why and how i did it, but i did. And, corny as it may sound, i wrote as a secret admirer. I feel, very weird and somehow a little embarrassed when i look back and think about it. I think it was because of the whole "shit i don't know what to do" thing going on in my head. Well, it hasn't really changed much after all these years. It's just progressed a little to "err..how do i talk to her?" kinda thing. So, you can see, i don't make much progress on my confidence about this kinda thing, heh. I'm a terrible guy, sorrrryy. I think i actually kept that girl "searching" for this secret admirer for..one and a half years. The great part is she only found out after i graduated from SPM. Cool, huh? By then no chance d larrrr....

But actually, i think my first crush (or maybe it was just puppy love) was on this girl from the UK. YES, United Kingdom - Dublin to be exact. Though, i think i was too young to comprehend the meaning of love. I just...had a great time with her, get it? It just felt nice. Oh, i was only eight years old, so don't think of anything funny. But i think i kinda got lucky when she actually came looking for me at my house. Why? Coz...hmm...i was known as the kid who didn't play during recess. I was just someone who sat by the side and watched while everyone else was playing hide and seek, soccer, hopscotch, giant chess and stuff like that. Well, it wasn't forever that way. I think after a few months, the teacher on duty started to notice me..wait..in fact all the teachers started to notice how i never played with the other kids during recess. So, i think one day this teacher decided to ask me to play with the other kids. I was lucky to have a very good friend there, actually a few very good friends there who looked out for me. It's sad to have to have left them. Sigh... Though, i never know what happened to that girl. I think her name is Leia. I can't recall her last name, but i think i can kinda figure out where she used to live. No, i didn't stalk her...But you see, i rarely lived anywhere long enough to really form any long-term-friendships. I think everytime i moved, i totally lost touch with the friends that i had made in that place. And when i think of having to move to the US soon...hmm...i don't know what to do anymore. Just have to accept it =/

You know, i don't really talk about this stuff to anybody. Wait, let me count...did i really tell anyone about this before? Hmm...thinking very hard...

Oh yeah, there are a few people. But, i don't think anyone has ever heard the whole story, maybe just bits and pieces of one here and there. But never anything too personal...

Though, there's someone that i met after...wait...during..no..before i started form 6. Yeah, that girl..hmm...i think i got to apologise for the first very...turbulent few months. It was like on one week then off the other week. Man, i really hated putting her through that. Then after that we have one period which i think was the most serious we ever got. But...that was also another blunder. On my part? Well, i always think that it's more my fault that it ends. Maybe coz i can only see my own faults after everything is over. You know? I just can't think of them in a bad light. I think that might be one of the ways that i try to get better. But when i was with her, it was maybe what you can say true love? It was something pure and i really cherish having had that. But too bad, it never blossomed further. I had a problem back then, it carried on and probably destroyed by second relationship. I hated myself for it. I still hate myself for it. Maybe it was always the same problem. Though, i never got so close to someone before in my life. Till this day i'm still good friends with her. And i'm very thankful for that.

After that, something just happened. It ended and i went into freaking turmoil. It was dreadful. I think one person in particular might know abit about this. Another friend. And then, college came...

STPM was over. College started. KL started. A whole new place started. TTDI started. Living in a apartment, going out late, Clutch, Blitz, Murni...all these things. Jet, haha...that guy. Weird as shit, i'm still waiting for him to drag his ass back to malaysia. Though, i think, the second relationship was very...rushed in. But i can't say i regret it. I don't. Every person i'm with is something worth it. Though, this time the problem surfaced again. Sigh, the frequent trips on the KTM and stuff. Sunway, and other places. KLCC, mid valley, and others. I think maybe she's the person that made me so familiar with the KL public transport. lol. Now she's gone. yeah. But, yeah i know. She left me with something. "All those freaking smses..." That's a phrase that's gonna haunt me to the end of my life. I hope i never have to hear those words on the same terms again. The thing is, i could see a little, a lot of relief in her eyes as i said goodbye for the last time. Maybe it was a good thing that we broke up. I didn't burden her anymore. So it was a good thing. Damn, i'm a burden. Those were the things that made me feel even worse. Straight after that i think i had a major depressive episode. I was so freaking sadddddd for the next few months. My moods were like up one moment then down the other. My friends didn't notice because i had always been like that. But, i guess what she said had some truth: the only real contact was all those freaking smses. We didn't really do much of anything else. =/

After that, i went into counseling. That brought me some relief. But, i learned that it wasn't sustainable. Because i still hadn't come to terms with myself. I still hated myself for being the person i was. I have no idea why, but i become so freaking needy with people i'm attached to. Not to friends. I hardly call them. But with partners, you know. When i think about it i feel sorry for them. Why did i even act that way? Urgh, there's a thin line between being worried and being overbearing. I have to admit, i was overbearing most of the time. I just couldn't spend even one minute without...thinking..about..them...without..missing..them (yeah, emo). Sometimes i just wanted to cry. I hugged my pillow so hard. It just couldn't surpass that emotion. Yes, everything seemed enhanced when i was with them. But too long without them and everything just turned a grey passe. FTW.... i'm just one of those walking hurt, brooding,needy freaks. Yeah, the perfect description of a 5-year-old with ADHD.

After that, i don't think i dared approach anyone else. I was so hurt. For a good few months, i just wanted to cry. Every night, i had silent tears. Every morning i woke with sore eyes. And everyday i asked myself: Why? Was i just being overdramatic? If i was, it was REAL. All those things went through my mind, heart and torn-up soul. Every song on the radio just played "heartbreak" and "tears". Those upbeat songs just reminded me more of what i lost. Those downbeat songs made me want to break into moans and endless streams of tears. But i couldn't. It was over. Spilt milk. I didn't bother to soak it up. Maybe i left it that way too long. Because i couldn't deal with it. Because i was so weak. Because i was...lonely. Because i was...me.

My family couldn't help me. I just couldn't see how. My mum and dad had conflicting views on it. And even between themselves they had conflicting opinions. And my mum was annoying while my dad matter-of-fact-type. I just couldn't talk to them. I never did, i never used to. They were more like objects of my past that were busy doing something like trying to bring up the perfect child. I think i felt more like an experiment than a kid. So, i couldn't tell them. Relatives. I think, i wasn't as close to anyone as i am now. Friends...most of them didn't have the time. And i didn't feel like bothering them. God? I felt left out, so i left him out too. Sad. So, i was just alone, by myself. Maybe that's why i had no spirit.

I guess, i'm still healing from these wounds. Mainly coz i still haven't stopped hating myself for all those things that i've done. It's lead on to so many things that i don't see good in myself. It sucks when you can't see yourself as something worth even a penny. You just want to run because those dept collectors out there want to reap their rewards of having you in their life.

You know, this love really blinds me. It makes me oblivious to their mistakes and sends me to oblivion with my own mistakes weighing down on me. I just can't see bad in them, but i see all the flaws in myself. That makes me sad, again. I just wonder why everything makes me sad. I keep repeating it to myself.

I want to see the big, blue sky
Taste the sweet smelling flowers
Feel the breeze run across my skin
So that i can fly again.
I want someone to make me smile.

Freshmen

2008-08-18T04:15:00.003+08:00

The verve pipe- freshmen.
An Inspiration from dread

A day came, no, that day finally came...no...the day finally came that i stepped into college. Last year, was the last year that i would ever go through school. Now, today, right now is the time when my days finally start (and the boredom of school ends).

I met someone, and i thought it was love at first sight. Wow, look at her, is this for real? And now, it looks like i can actually have a real friend. Well, i confess, it's something more than just friends. Yes, you guessed it, we actually got together after the first day. Wow, what a way to start my freshmen year, eh? I entered college, got a girlfriend, and then...

Gosh, that was i think a few years ago. I remember the day that we split. I think, i really started believing in the words hell on earth at that day. It was the worst day of my life. No, the worst dreadful months of my life. I wish i never lived, i wish i never met her, i wish i never started college. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen to me? Those were the recurring words that went through my mind.

I confess, i did drugs, almost everyday. I came home drunk. Lucky i didn't live with my parents, and lucky they didn't know what i was doing - i'd be done for. I think, that i look back at myself now with that screwed up time always haunting me. I never thought things could go that bad. It sucked. I sucked.

How i live to regret that now. I wish, no, it made me wish that i never did anything. I'm scarred for life. Why did i even think about it? Terrible, terrible mistake. I don't know what she's doing now, and who's she's with. It doesn't matter. It's OVER. I'm OUT. I NEVER want to go back.

What was i to think? We were merely freshmen...

evolution

2008-08-14T01:11:00.002+08:00

There's an awful stillness in the air that makes me frightened
and as i take each step, i feel the great unknown
stepping closer, and inching deeper
into my world

i am afraid
of the great, new things
and the awaiting unknown
and the times to come
all are the same
but yet so different
in experience

and i miss the times
when you were beside me
that cold, calculative, logical being
who overtook me
for 18 long years
but now, who resides inside me
immersed in yet another being

something awful
something sinister
something happy
something tranquil
something human
yet all in one
an unraveling puzzle
yet to be solved

my new dog

2008-08-07T20:58:00.001+08:00

is a...

BIDCHH!!!!!

2008-08-07T04:21:00.002+08:00

I came back today...and found...something is weird about my desktop...again. Sometimes i really wonder what my brother downloads and it's just so awesome that he doesn't know heck about registry protection and shit. So, i guess, as always, i'm gonna have to do something. I ran a check, and things are starting to get weird, but so far so good, nothing major has happened, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed (always).

And, streamyx, again and AGain. I wonder when they are gonna stop fucking up. Is it low bandwidth again? Yeah, my downloads are going slow, internet is loading like a crap now. I wonder what's the matter, my com or the internet. Online gaming seems to be fine and smooth. Urgh, i'll have to check more.

And now i'm wondering, what have i been up to these few months? Tinkering and tankering about random stuff and trying to get myself cured of my glooooooooooooooooooooooooom. yes it's a long word because i don't know how long it has been going on. sucks.

so what's the current affairs? i don't know. just hanging on and going along...

2008-08-06T03:35:00.000+08:00

V for Vendetta
Devil Wears Prada
Definitely, Maybe...

note

2008-08-06T03:19:00.002+08:00

I'm resting in uncharted waters. A transition between the born and reborn, and then dead but risen again. But i'm feeling rather peculiar. I'm don't feel like hiding, i don't feel like running, i just feel like staying. I don't want anyone around. I don't want anything. I just want now, right now, anything that's around. That's all i want now. For this moment, i feel like there's something beside me and yet nothing. But it's comforting. Somehow i feel stable. Unlike sometimes which i've been. It's not a distress. It's not a euphoria either. It's just a staple feeling, placid.

What's this thing beside me? I feel very...i don't know. I can't tell. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's something. Maybe it's all those things. I don't know. I'm just talking away...to whatever is coming out of my mind. My head. My thoughts. My brain. What are all these things? Too bad. I just don't know.

It's a miracle. I wish it hadn't happened. But what is it? I'm lost. I'm found. I found the lost...

Two differences...pulling at each other. I'm not split. I'm just in-between...

Future sight

2008-08-04T04:04:00.002+08:00

I remembered something yesterday. It was such a surprising, yet simple discovery. Now i know, why i live in such shadows of doubt. Perhaps, it all started from one simple day...

I'm walking around, scooting around, like i do at home. I had my parents, my brother and my trusty little feet to zoom around the living room, into the kitchen and then rushing into my room, just to come out again. It was the most blissful time of my life. In those short moments that i now wish would just last forever, i lived like Peter Pan - the hero of my life. That day i went to the mall, with my parents and younger brother, just two years shy of my toddler 5. I got lost in the crowd. Alone.

Just a few minutes ago, my parents were talking about how children got lost. Even the loudspeaker warned of losing your children below 5 in the shopping mall. It was the annual sale - you couldn't get more packed a time than that.

In those few minutes, it felt like hours, like days, like an entire year. In fact, i felt frozen in an ice cube made of fear. It didn't come in a sudden gush, but it came in a slow, scary, creep. I tried my best to keep my 5-year-old-cool. But it seemed useless. Five years were just not enough to keep me steady. It just wasn't enough for me to not feel afraid. I was living a nightmare.

In some moments of a person's life, they just sit to think. Not because they are happy, not because they are surprised, but because they are afraid. Fear has gotten hold of them. Fear: the tyrant that robs you of hope and leaves a dreadful trail of memories behind it. It turns everything into ash. It will destroy...all...your...dreams.

Those, i think ten minutes, were enough to scar me for life. At that time, i was lucky enough to have some saviors. The dreadful thought of my life ending there and then, was just...too much for my 5-year-old self. It was translated into some horrific version of me being kidnapped and then left for...nothing. That was even worse. I had nothing to go on with. My knowledge was so limited, that i did not know what would happen after that. My parents, being the average people they are, had filled me with dreadful tales of lost children. I hadn't the least idea of what stood ahead of me. I couldn't find my way home. I couldn't find my parents. I couldn't see my future. I was...nothing. The dependency killed me.

So i did all i could do. A crystal sphere of a tear ran down my cheek. From then on, my memory failed me. It was dreadful enough for me to forget it. I just couldn't handle that trauma - the thought of being lost forever. It just seemed inevitable.

Until...my parents did find me, and all that anguish seemed to be washed away. At least, i thought so. But now i realize a new pattern. That dread has evolved. It has grown with me, sown into the behavior and thoughts that i harbour within. I am afraid to get to know others. Why? I do not dare to imagine the day that i might have to be left like that again. But this time, i'm not 5-years-old. So, i've got different ways, greater ways of avoiding those situations. But they've become perhaps, so radical, that the realization just stuns me. I call people, i text people, i email people, with that same fear of being abandoned.

Look what that little piece of dread has become. Unattended, unresolved and left alone. The entire puzzle of loneliness has probably a little, if not everything, to do with that small incident.

On that fine day, fate set a pebble before me and i slipped. Now, i have collected many pebbles and i now see a mountain.

What have i become? Perhaps the only answer is
...the past.

the last time

2008-08-04T04:02:00.002+08:00

When was the first time
that i learned to tell you what i feel?

When was the first time
that i walked up to tell you?

When was the day
that i told you how i feel?

When was the first time
that i really let my heart take over?

When was the time
when all this started to twist and turn?

when was the last time i really told you
what i really had to say?

2day

2008-07-29T04:54:00.001+08:00

bad mood....

why?

some people just play games like noobs....

some people are just selfish...

some people are just plain stupid...

whatever...

bla

2008-07-28T02:15:00.002+08:00

Seriously speaking, i've been wondering about all of this "knowledge" that i have in my little head. I've been asking myself "what the hell is this crap for?", and it's not like i'm getting a very straight forward answer. In fact, i might be getting absolutely no answer at all.

Of everything that i have been doing, there's only one thing that i think i am capable of doing at the moment. Game, game, game. COD4, Cabal Online...and whatever. But i'm getting a headache because i feel like i want to continue with something else. There's too much bullshit going around and it's like little mosquitos buzzing around and giving off those "nggiiinggg" noises. Now they are giving me headaches.

I feel a whole new sense of meaningless have dawned upon me. I stare at this book and i'm overcome with astonishment, but only by the title of it. But i don't know why i'm actually purchasing it. Something inside me tingles so i get a peak of interest. Conclusion: i buy the book. But do i read it? Heaven knows. I wish i knew too.

There are some people who i wish i could really like to tell some things that i've been keeping back. Because of this i feel like the past three months of my life have been erased or just rendered non-existent. It's disturbing when your life stops moving but the clock is still ticking at the same pace. You know what i'm talking about. Growing old but you're still stuck in childhood phase. Great, isn't it?

I want these bloody headaches to stop. I want this bloody sudden gushes of anguish to cease. I really feel damn fucking helpless when these "attacks" overcome me. My face just wants to contort into something despicably SAD (Super Acutely Depressed). It's a freaking nightmare and my head is a feasting ground for these creatures of the SAD army.

I don't know when, but i just lost my interest, my passion for doing many things. I know it has a lot to do with one disappointment after another. And each one that i discard, i throw away a sacred part of myself as well. When you do that, it takes a century's worth of work to get it back. Because it's not only something you have to relearn, but make sure you stop throwing it back into that pit of disappointment. FREAKING ANNOYING.

Headache.

Headlines on Daily ISP

2008-07-28T02:10:00.002+08:00

The stream of suckiness strikes once again.

The culprit is of course TMNut which has polluted the phone lines with electrical surges rooting from the replacement of cables. However, the public seriously doubts whether this service enhancement will actually increase the bandwidth provided by their friendly-neighbourhood-ISP.

If there were a Daily Bugle, perhaps it would lable Streamnut as their Spiderman.

blurr

2008-07-22T02:20:00.002+08:00

my tongue has lost its taste
now i taste with my tummy
my eyes have lost its sight
now i see with my heart
and my brain has feebly gone mad
so i think with my mind...
a blur of the moment
that just might last forever

Silent renditions

2008-07-14T03:08:00.002+08:00

The things that i have been up to...

Physically, i'd say that i've been gaming a whole lot and procrastinating on every possible matter. Basically i'm living on a standstill. I'm at a point where i don't dare to move. I hear every pin drop and feel every footstep around me. But i'm inside an isolated bubble where i feel and sense only myself. I need it to be that way - because right now, i cannot handle much of anything else; i'm being overwhelmed by the number of issues rising up while i'm searching inside.

The biggest ever realization that i came across was on of the bond between me and the people around me. When i do something wrong, it hurts. But it doesn't hurt because i know it hurts, it hurts because i learned that other people may scorn upon me. It is because of this that i feel so trapped. One small slip up and others will look at you with a different kind of glare. And as it prolongs, people just give up on you. And as it goes the rule of permanance applies to those of delinquent value. I wish i was never placed inside this label. I feel it strangling me - and i want to get out. Yet, it is because of this label that i am stuck inside here. The irony of it just stings. I want out, but yet you cannot understand. The fact that you are unable to understand makes me hurt. And i just feel like staying this way a little longer, just until you would start to understand (but yet it seems that day never comes). So, i never get to build the strength to get up at all. Then i want to bleed out of all this mess, but there's no way that i could get out. Because there's still others that see me inside the same place. I'm trapped outside the world and i've become a stranger. We are both strange to each other and yet i wish we could understand more of each other. Maybe then it'll make things a little more simpler...

People around tend to judge you. And sadly i've come to accept that mindset for a long while. Being judged upon might seem like just a trivial matter. But once you're in the place of judgement, there's no room to run. You're there like a ant because you're an ant. And all the giants just look down on you, looming with their stares. And because of that, i feel that i could never get any help from others. It's just a sight for sore eyes - to make them even more sore.

Hope. That's a concept that i rejoice in. But it's now twisted in that i hope i can just hang on a little longer being like this. Because my existence just seems to be centered upon trying to being that outcast other people might see me as. Why? I don't have an answer to that. Speaking to myself brings back so many matters. But there's just that wish that other people could understand what makes me, me. I wish there is someone out there, at least some people...no, the truth is i wish the whole world would understand. I think that's the truth for all people who are estranged from their society. They wish for the whole world to understand their pain, their sorrow. But they never get to say it out that way. Because firstly, their family traps them in a small bubble, where their voice is de-amplified to such a minute sound it becomes like the whine of a dog or a little puppy. This makes it so hard. Because most families just see it as a phase (the denial). They just don't want to accept that their kid has something wrong. It's always the acceptable labels: "lazy", "daydreaming" and the such. Did you ever try to think it would be something else?

But what would they do about it? Sometimes, people who are unheard become terrible, terrible people - just because they want that little bit of attention. They want it so bad they would bring harm to people. They thing about things like "if i do this...yes.."But they never think that it will harm people. It comes to a point where it's so screwed up that they HAVE to do SOMETHING. And that SOMETHING that they do, is often even beyond their own comprehension. You'd wonder what the parents had done to cause the child to be like this. Or, you'd wonder why God ever put such beings on earth. I think it's something to think about. Not because there might be a root of evil, or anything so mysterious. I think, you just have to learn to listen a little bit more.

Perhaps there are other ways. How? Running? Perfect. Take your time..maybe you'll just end up carrying the whole burden your whole life. It's tiring. Sometimes you just have to shout out to the world that "this is what i want!". But, yeah, nobody is listening. But you just want to do that because it gives you the illusion that people are listening. And as long as you believe in that, you can carry on. But what really happens is that inside, you're lying to yourself. You're not really doing what you wanted to do or what you needed to do. You have to fix yourself. And the hard part, is not starting with yourself, but sometimes it's hardest to start with people around you. Why? Everyone needs to be fixed. After you fix yourself, make sure that they know it, so that they fix their perception of you. And maybe they'll realize there is more to just those lazy or daydreaming people out there.

Education. What do we actually learn? I study psychology. The irony of it is, it's easier to fix others than to fix yourself. You teach them to fix them, but you're a hypocrite most of the time because you can't do it to yourself. Why's that? How come it doesn't work both ways? I think it's because of the term education. An education is something to get you a job and not something to help you fix yourself. Why do you go to school? You don't go to learn. You learn general knowledge and history. You learn how to do math (mostly to count your expenditure). Why you learn moral studies or religious studies eludes me, because in some countries people just do it for another distinction. They just want that extra grade. But here's my question: When do you really learn to be yourself?

Being me isn't simple. It takes effort. It takes creativity. It takes mindset. It takes will. It takes everything that i have. What would you give for your identity? Would you sell it off for money? Would you let another take your place? The government calls it identity fraud. That's because of the bullshit called economy. To me it's the reason that you live. You may live on this world because of your god or religion. But you live on this world because you live to be you. You serve your god, to be you. You go to your job everyday, to be you. You walk through your doorstep, to be you. You browse the internet, to be you.

And the best part is, our parents teach us how to be human beings, but they never teach us how to be us.

Running

2008-06-30T02:26:00.002+08:00

Running...

I went back to melaka for a day and during the bus ride was probably the most calming feeling i've had in a very long time. I've not been sleeping well and when i'm awake i just feel like a piece of wasted shit.

Perhaps this is one of those periods where i just wait it out. Maybe it's just another time i should do nothing. But running, it seems to be a very nice feeling. Playing games, traveling, jogging, o2jam, those things give me the running feeling. Somehow they just give me the peace and quiet i need, just for those moments.

But there isn't much time for that. And i've come down to some point where i can't see the sky. What is it that i need most at this moment? Some simple understanding. Coz i really am a wreck and still sinking. Maybe i'll be better tomorrow or next semester or next year or when i start something again. But whenever that time is, i just wish that things can wait until then. Because that's why i can start saving the rest that's left of me.

middle ground

2008-06-25T01:45:00.002+08:00

The high seas are still brewing
and the lances of lighting are still striking
the thorns in the garden still sting
the insects still give their itchy bite
and the rattlesnake still sends its warning

but at least it's still stable

Between then and now..

2008-06-24T03:45:00.002+08:00

People have always said to weigh the good versus the bad things that have happened to you and see which one weighs heavier. But i don't even dare to look at those figures anymore because all i can see is something bad than good.

Let's see. What have I done right and wrong...no..what have i done throughout my life that i feel is significant?

I think, well, i don't know when i actually started "life" because "life" seems like a concept that is very vague at the moment. I'm stuck on two halves: one saying that life means from the moment you were born, while the other says that life is the point where you actually realize you're alive. Well which one is it? Don't know. I think i'll just start wherever i can remember...

I think i once had a dream, when i was a child that i lived under a rainbow. No, i was sleeping and lying on a cot or mat. And there was this rainbow over me. It seemed that was the first dream i ever had and i think i had it when i was 3-years-old. It was beautiful. And then i went to kindergarten, and then primary school. Oh, that's when hell started to freeze over. I went to the typical chinese primary school. The type that makes you grind homework into your brain. It was as if half a year of torture had started. I think i cried the first day of primary school. But i can't remember it clearly. I think i just remember how my parents treated me in those years. It wasn't a pleasant experience. My dad was into traditional teaching, plus he was in the army. So you can imagine a cane and results based parenting. And too bad for me my dad was strict on results. 65% was considered okay and 90% would be good. I got the idea drilled into me that 100% in every subject would be considered excellent. But i just wasn't up to that standard. Though i did wonder why for some weird reason i got 99% for one test before. Maybe that was the best moment of my primary one. But it didn't last long. Somehow i just got focused on other things. It was weird. The most memorable parts of being in primary one was that i was shifted to the so called "best grade table" for like 10 minutes. Then i was sent back to my other table when the teacher saw i couldn't keep up with those kids. Weird. And as normal the seniors were spreading rumours about ghosts in the toilet and stuff. I never went to the toilet in that school actually. I spent the 20 cents given by my nanny's daughter on sweets everyday. Why? Because that's what she thought me to do. She suggested that 20 cents could buy 5 sweets. And i guess i was just too naive and young to figure i could save it for other stuff. Then back at home. I had this church opposite my house. I used to play around it with my brother back then. That's like more than 10 years ago. Actually nearly 15 years ago. Damn, i'm old. I used to wonder why people would go in and get guy to put water on their heads. I didn't dare to touch the water. Until today i have no idea why. Then back at home. I just remember before going to UK i had to watch these tapes that thought my family how to speak English. Plus the canning and rats in the house, plus cockroaches crawling all over the place. And then i went to UK.

I was six and a half. I can't remember what's the exact date i arrived in UK. But i know i didn't really mix around much. Actually i didn't really mix around much in primary one either. I don't even remember the names of the people there. Well, in the UK i do remember. I had this best friend. And i actually had a crush on this girl (yeah i had a crush on a chick from Ireland). I was..i dunno..8? Weird how it turned out. I actually hung out with her for some time. But soon came news that i was leaving. Going back to Malaysia. They had a small farewell party for me. A surprise one. So conveniently i was the one to always deliver the register to the office. So they used that time to get ready. I remember that i was bullied while in Ireland by this kid. But after awhile he stopped. And we kinda got to neutral terms. My friends did help me out. I appreciated that. In London i think some kids didn't like me playing with them. But after that they eventually accepted me. But it was kinda weird. I didn't know what was going on. I used to just hang out alone in during recess time. Just watching other kids play and eat and...do... stuff. In Ireland it started out the same. Untill the teacher on duty asked me why i was just sitting alone in a corner. I had no idea. I just liked to watch. But i started playing football and stuff. After that. And then i left, the girl, i think her name is Leia. I lost contact with them. I wanna find them again. I hope i do... So i left the UK. And came back to Malaysia. Leaving behind two bunch of friends, 2 different schools, 3 different places. Oh yeah, i actually caused my brother a head injury on one occasion. I tried to piggy back him but couldn't. So he fell and knocked his head. Damn..i still feel guilty for that....

Then malaysia, first few weeks were messy. Then i started primary in another chinese school. I had to pick up from standard 5. My parents were damn worried i wouldn't be able to cope. But i did okay. Just okay. So they held damned high expectations for my future grades - which i never lived up to. Sad. The 65% mark still stayed there. Looming like mad. I actually sucked on my grades during the first test because it was all in chinese. I practically did guess work on all the chinese objective questions. Fill in the blanks? I just picked some words from here and there, and then filled them in. I had no idea what i was doing at all. I think i met this girl, whom again i liked. She actually gave me a gift before school ended. I don't know why. I think i still have it. Sigh, again. But i had no idea of anything about love or even romance. I think i was just spellbound to something i didn't understand. Maybe i was just afraid of something. I never did get close to anyone in particular. Someone said once that makes me strong. But now i am helpless because i don't know how to rely on myself anymore.

Secondary school. I think this is the start of many many distractions. Cyber cafes, computer games, trading card games and all the stuff. Then, sweet sixteen. I started writing love letters to this girl. Never did carry on with anything. She already had someone. So i decided to stop. She didn't find out until after SPM. Part of me wish she had found out earlier. Part of me just wanted it to end. Then form 6 brought a very messy relationship. I don't know what actually happened in between that 6 months of confusion. Just that it was just something. And somehow i feel i failed somebody when it ended. It was the same with my second relationship. But it was in college. How do i describe it? Hmm...slap, bang and with a big boom at the ending. Short, fast, end. Story of my life.

Now i feel very insecure. All this moving. All this losing people around me. And now it's happening again. Everyone has transfered out. Except me. Some people are left. I made some new friends. But i'm going to transfer soon. Then it's like losing people once again. I feel like the only thing that i have done right in my life is the Grease production. Everything else just feels like a load of crap. I just imagine the load of crap versus one achievement. I feel like a loser. I'm my worst critic. Now i'm in a downward spiral, trying hard to get back up.

Between then and now, what have i actually done? Every single step i take it feels...like i'm carrying around a burden. This blog. I actually don't dare to read on the past posts. Some of them are so hearbreaking - even to myself. I can't believe i can write like that. I don't ever believe i could never shed a tear with all of that inside me. But that's the truth. And i don't know whether to be sad or happy. I always wanted to be like Peter Pan. I never wanted to grow up. I had a fear of it. And now, i'm already grown up. And all this responsibility...all this pressure is just weighing down on my. I'm smothered by myself. Somehow i just want to feel so SAD because i've never let myself the time to be that way. I'm always showing some encouragement to other people when i really want it for myself. I just can't help it. i wonder what the fuck am i doing. and i stopped helping myself when i channeled that energy to other people. what is it i am doing? i feel a hundred years old already.

Between now and tomorrow. What can i do? For myself...

Purge

2008-06-23T02:57:00.002+08:00

It's much harder to move from a spot that you call comfort than i would have ever imagined.

Though i see something i can change, i know that there is something missing there. I used to have it - some belief in the things i could do. But somehow it's gone and it doesn't seem to be coming back. I look at the small windows in my room, and even thought the curtains are wide open, i can't see the sunlight coming through. It's blocked by some invisible field that doesn't allow sunlight to come in. The breeze is stale and salty, making my eyes teary and my skin dry and brittle. I feel like i could crack any moment now. And then there is still the guilt. That is the most fascinating and ironically torturing part. I feel as if i am being bound by something insignificant, and yet i cannot move. It is so heavy that once i reach the barrier it just pulls me below again. I wish for air, i want for something out there to pull me up. But it's not there. Or i can't find it.

Some weird mechanism is telling my whole mind and body to shut out to outside aid; to even seeking it. This is very distressing. I know for a fact i'm in a grave and want to get out from this six-feet-under situation. But why's my mind telling me otherwise? Why is it following a pattern of "you're screwed for life"? I really want to know why, but i'm too clouded to think fast enough for an answer that'll be in time to save my own life. It's a time bomb and i'm just ticking the clock downward to the time when it explodes. And i wonder why i stopped doing things that i needed to do. And i wonder why i ever started new things. Because it all ended up being a self-destructive panic attack. Then i went down to the depths again. I have to admit it, and i hate it, i am depressed. Why? And that is one of the reasons that adds to my problem. I don't know why and i hate myself for that.

I'm stuck. I've always been stuck. But it's just coming down on me now. So hard. I'm frantically searching for an antidote to this poison. But there's too many things around. So much distraction, so much...poison. Vines, thorns...stings...everything...

I can't see through this cloud. I'm half blind.

And there's still that road...that i couldn't ever walk to.

Why.

wrong

2008-06-20T11:03:00.002+08:00

you know something's wrong when things seem blue
and the footsteps that you walk are just meaningless to you
when you fall into your bed, sleep is an unwelcome sight
and every tomorrow is just some more plight
and you just want to take the next flight
to anywhere...
that takes you away from this fight...

U know what...

2008-06-11T01:12:00.002+08:00

U know what...

i think i'm really am a nutcase. I can't bring myself to do anything but...nothing at all. I have the need to really feel HAPPY, or else i don't feel alive at all. I feel like what i'm doing now is just so useless. I feel that i am a useless piece of crap. I feel like i just fell down a million flight of stairs. I feel like the world is going to end tomorrow. I feel like my life is only worth two cents. I feel like my head is so worthless i could chop it off and give it to someone - and that someone would just throw it in the dustbin. I feel seriously FUCKED UP!

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm starting to feel so much pity for myself that i think those people with multiple personality disorder are getting it easy. They just create a new personality for each problem that arises. Of course, nothing gets resolved, but their conscience just so conveniently forgets all the troubles and thinks that everything is just FINE!

O M G

how true i with i could be JUST LIKE THEM! Maybe i will, i'll just lie to myself long enough so that i eventually convince myself into split personalities. Hell yeah...oh i wish that were true as well.

D A R N

what am i doing. this year, i think i've fucked up everything that i've been doing. it seems all my so called effort in college has been put to waste just by starting with the motto called calamity. i feel that i'm really going to the gutters this time. i really feel so freaking helpless. i really feel so freaking broke.

F T W

what am i talking about? Is this me being angry? Is this me being emo? Actually, i don't know what those things mean right now. They are all just a jumble. It's that jumble. I can't control it. It just slams into my face. I feel so like..so...indescribable. I don't know what is wrong. But i can just feel it. I just want it to all go away.

Give me back my life...

you. that thing. that stole it away. give it back. give it back..now! i can't bloody move on. i can't even bloody recognize myself anymore. i feel so sunk i'm hardly myself. i'm a shadow of thought. i'm just a nobody, even to myself. how the hell am i supposed to live like this? give me ME back! i'm talking to you. Listen to me now! Clearly, crystal clear, i want my life back.

T ru th

what is truth? do i make it myself? or is it that guilt? or is it that happy stuff? or is it that stupid stuff? what is it? i want an answer. now. will you just get me out of here...

I wish i had my dolls back
back when the skies were still blue
and the clouds seemed to shine
and the sun was so bright
and we talked about love....

talk about love
talk about the sunshine
talk about the green grass
and all the flower, beauty
that bloom in the garden
talk about life
and how i see it
talk about me
talk about you
talk about us
and maybe i'll cry
so i can feel i'm alive...

Hmm...

2008-06-03T15:21:00.000+08:00

What becomes

2008-05-29T01:57:00.002+08:00

it's one thing to enjoy
and then another to regret
but when it comes to mixing both
it's a pandemonium beset

Last semester was a wreck. But that's just in general. Though there were some outcomes of the period that made my life somewhat better.

In my studies, i practically screwed up until the last ever and the sort that one can't ever go lower again. I've never had such a bad result before. It probably wasn't entirely my fault but it's such a burden to know that i have to live with that stain on my transcript. Urgh, i have something that tells me it's more than a feeling that i'll have to explain and work hard to get back those results after i've transfered out.

On another aspect, perhaps you can say a livelihood kind of thing, i feel a bit better compared to the wreck that i was last semester. I think it started way longer than i can ever admit. What is it? The most probable explanation is that i've been living in "mild depression" for over a period of 6 years already. But in psychological jargon you can say that the last 3 semesters i suffered from MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). That sucks big time. I do not know whether it is the acceptance that i'm in that state or the realization that i was having a "life" functioning as a depressive. It's like those functioning alcoholics, except that i was kind of a functioning depressive. WTH.

Most people would start staring and going "oh, what a whiner" when they hear that someone is depressed. But what the hell. It's sometimes more than a person can control. And guess what...you're not really helping when you start accusing that person of being a useless wreck.

But however, there's now a part of my life that's been lifted of the "dark clouds". I think i'm coming to a sort of realization of my personal function. How i shift to moods and how i shift back. And why i get so weird as the year progresses. It's all part of a cycle. And reading a book that tells about some people's lives has provided me with an observation about myself. It's astounding how things, once put into pace, are so hard to change. I've found a pattern from my childhood and how it's somehow evolved into my adolescent, and now, early adult years (yes, i'm that old already). And this blog has been a journal for that journey.

Perhaps this new found knowledge will help me bring some change to "lighten up" parts of me that i find so heavy to carry around.

Miracles do happen. And disasters too. But when i see both of them as just event, i start to feel as if nothing had happened.

But if i don't feel, that becomes a problem. It becomes something useless and dead. Another weight, dead beat.

><

2008-05-27T15:55:00.002+08:00

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

it started out as a feeling....

2008-05-16T20:49:00.002+08:00

I still look at the sky
and glimpse at the clouds
picking one by one
the thoughts i had for you
and the smiles you put in my eyes
and the things that i wish i had done
i guess, i still think of you
my dear,
Memoir

Introducing

2008-05-02T04:56:00.003+08:00

Achmed =)

I think i might be starting a parody write up :P