The lost love
From the very day i was born, i had stared at your fleeting grace. The day that led to my first temptation to lunacy came from the sight of your diminishing flare. No more did you give me brightness, no more did you bring me joy. All i saw from that day on was cold, petrified fear. I saw within you the brightness of this world. Oh, how i wished that you had stayed with me. All i wanted was a little bit of your glimmer; just a streak of your shining, golden hair would last me a lifetime. No- you had to leave me. You went and never came back, leaving me to my the world that i was destined to reside in. Where have you been all these years? Where are you now after nearly 20 years? Where are those bells that ring for the children of the world each and every day? Where are those bells that should be beside my bedside?
I don't see you, nor do i see the sunlight creeping through my window. Instead, i see a phantom shadowing me as i walk. There are no bells to welcome me to a brand new day, full of hopes and full of laughter. Those polite smiles are all but grim faces that humour me with their speech that makes me sleep. The silent atmosphere around me dims my physical senses. All i'm left with is what i would feel from another dimention. As if it would come back one day, i relentlesly awaited for the moment that you would come back. But you didnt', and all i sensed were more phantoms around me. I saw them and listened to them chatter about the desolate realm that i had landed in. From them, i learned to guide my way to knowledge, understanding and a morbid life. I never grew into the person that people expected me to become. Instead, i was the one always left out; i was the one that people always saw as "different"; i was the one always sitting at the side while the children played hide and seek; i was that child that spent the whole day thinking and never talking; i was the child that you never gave your cheer and delight.
Where are you? I still call for you every now and then. I haven't given up on you yet. I read your books that you sent to other children. I even went and studied your joy and cheer that you gave so freely to others. I went to the extent of spreading the joy i never experienced to others. But still i was empty, because from the start you had left me alone and kept me in this place full of phantoms. I lived in a vivid world of staleness. Death meant nothing, it was just a different existence. Those phantoms thought me that. The emotions that i confided in were depression, anguish, sadness and loneliness. These were my tools for survival. I had nothing else to use.
Why did you ever leave me? I've become such a desolate shell of humanity because you left me. Where did you ever go? I've not seen you in 20 years. You were there in my mother's womb, you were there the day i saw my first rainbow. But then, you left and never came back. Why? You had so many forms, motherly, friendly, fatherly and so on. But not one was open to me. I felt nothing.
Now i write you this letter, and ask you to come back. Because i need you, i need you to help me help myself. Even if you only showed me the part where i had to be alone, but i would be cheerful and i would be happy, it would suffice. Come back, please.
Come back...Love.
Where have you been?
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