This is me
A chaotic symphony of sounds and voices fills the darkness. The death mimicking pulse of the lands seems all to morbid to imagine, but as if a nightmare had come to be reality, the place seems as if it will crumble and break with just a soft touch of the wind.
The nocturnal symphony plays along with the tune of sadness, so in tune with the beating of the depression that emanates from inside my soul and heart. It is a sad fact that I shall not ever be able to fit into this world with my frighteningly placid and stale demeanor, and because of that i shall always be cursed to be locked inside my own little room that serves only for the likes of me.
It is with much sadistic enthusiasm and the lack of motivation that i start to decorate my room. There shall be no lights, no windows, no starlight ceiling and no moonlit verandah that stretches outside. I for one, do not welcome the source of humanistic joy and merriment. Each and every day, i have been writhing in pain at the sight and meer touch of light on my skin. It is such torture to stand in the brightness of the earth when i have been forever trapped inside the sanctuary of my little dark room. The normal person sees the darkness as an entity symbolizing evil and frightening mystery. They are made to be afraid of it because it burns them to exist in something that they know so little about. Their curiousity in the unknown turns them helpless within their fear of the dark. Yet i feel such a homely atmosphere within these dark-filled regions. The unknown is such a wonderful place. With the many mysteries that are limited only by my imagination, i can venture anywhere and do my will in peace as others stare in mystery and sometimes even disgust at my acts that have been branded gothic and perhaps crude.
Each day, i change my wallpaper. Though i admit it always has the same underlying theme-depression. My thoughts and reminisions are words that paint my mind with the millions of possibilities that originate from my imagination. However twisted and maniacal you may see these impressions, they come from the same childlike renditions from which every man and woman is made. But you grew in a different place. You grew in a different atmosphere, you breathed a different air and you never knew about me because it was just too painful to even notice me. You had to use your tendings from your house to try and picture my life. Though it was the same origin that you and i came from, i have diverged into another road that you have yet to venture down. What gave you the right to question my tidings when they did nothing to hurt you. My questions of you are the same as your questions of me. I wonder how you came to be as you wonder how i came to be. Look not upon me with your derogative eyes, but with eyes that are open wide and thoughtful, then you might stumble upon the beginning of understanding the person that i have become.
You seem to be oblivious of me sometimes, or was it that i was oblivious of you? I wasn't made to destroy you, or oppose you. I was made to live with you like you live with your friends and family. Yet you see me with those eyes that turn your world to be such a destraught place to live in. I chose to venture outside of my dark room one day, and all i did was watch you. I only watched, observed and tried to understand you. I went to your homes and learned your ways of living and socializing. I left my ways of solitude to try to let you have a chance to see me for the person i am, but all you did was abandon me.
I changed to try to fit you, to a certain extent even please you, but you held onto your generalisations all too strongly...all too harshly. Your penetrating eyes sought after every difference that i had from you. You even tried to find evil things about me that weren't there. From what i saw, you scrutinized each and every action of mine. My every word you held with both respect and dispicable patronising. You meant to discover me more in a quest to find ways to leave me bare of my ways and turn to your teachings that i don't live by. I have never found a place more unworldly, more unfriendly that this. How could you have turned your back on your fellow human being?
Now i stand again with my head hung low, as i did before. And again, i lock the door to my little room, as i did before. I return to my imagination for my peace and quiet. The darkness is my home, is has become my soul for the most of my life and i have embedded it into my being. It is not evil, yet the people that live in the light put me into an image that befouls the values of society. I may be dark, but i'm not evil. Was i so stupid when i ventured out to seek solace within your world that embraced the light? I challenged myself with every step and breath i took in the world that you held so dear. For those that may have seem to accept me i should be thankful, shouldn't i? Because i see nothing but cold and scorning faces from you of the outside.
What would you have me do? You hold me in such untruthful truths that i cease to even exist. It would be best that i never entered your domain that brings more and more pain to me. As depression goes, it shall never end until you accept it and deal with it. I am not your problem, but merely your balance of all the things that you seem to be unable to deal with.
I could never live in your world now. Since i entered your homes, i found an everlasting pulse of unwelcome faces. I did what i could, but still remained me. I did my part in giving the care that i could, in giving the help that you needed to survive. I related my experiences to you so that you might not have to see another sad day. I live in your pain, don't you see? I am all your problems, but i am a reality of life. Most of me is lost in pain and sadness, your opposite. I am not your doppleganger, you only believe i am. I was there to be with you through dark times, to be your guide when you entered the domain i was familiar with. Yet, you can't bring yourself to guide me. Where has your kindness gone? Where has your care gone? It is only reserved for people like you?
Where am i in your world? Where is my space to breath? Did you even know i existed? Did you even see me as i stood before you?
I stay inside my darkness, because there is nobody here. Nobody here to look down on me, nobody here to see me as painfully different, nobody here to alienate me. All i sought after was a little acceptance. All i sought after was some sign that you could reciprocate what i had done to change for you.
I shall die alone. I shall die dissapointed.
I shall forever die forgotten and...
unappreciated.
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