Dad, you never knew me...
When i was born, you set an agenda for me. You brought me up, according to that agenda. You already had everything planned out for me, just waiting for everything to fall into place. In your mind, you just imagined how wonderful it would be when i finally grew up and became the son of your dreams.
But no, i grew up not according to your plans at all. Instead of having everything fall into place, it was all falling to peices. From the start, you had wanted me to become the star child, the best in school, so that i would not have to go through what you went through. When you were a kid, you were not bright, just extremely hardworking and you managed to get to top place in your schools, eventually. So, that seemed a very plausible reason to make sure i never had to go through the humiliation and embarrasment that you had to go through as the poor, abused child you were. Sadly, that never happened.
I grew up, in a totally different time, area and society compared to your's. I lived in a far better off time, a far more sophisticated society and a far more technologically advanced era. However, you always used your those old teachings from your childhood to try and teach me right from wrong, never knowing that a new generation needed a new type of thinking, not to mention teaching. From the start, i was not the child you were. Since the day i was born, i was a different person, not only in genetics but also in behavior and also norms. I was not the normal child that you perceived i would be, i was already different from the normal kids. Your first mistake, was your failure to see that. Your second mistake, was the fact that you decided would live all your dreams through me. Well, let me tell you, no man is capable of doing everything, and you wanted me to do just that.
Now i know, why after all the things that i do to motivate myself to improve myself, it still seems so hard to just go on. I had always wondered why. But now, i know the reason. The problem had always lay with you. When i was a child, i was subject to the same treatment you had received from your own father. Your reasons were for a good cause, but you just didn't realise, it wasn't working with me. But then, i was still too young to understand that. All i did, was cry each time you beat me; each time you locked me out of the house; each time you grounded me; each time you raised your voice and shouted at me with those degrading remarks. I was barely 7, and i had already gone through all that. In a way, i believe that our move to the U.K (United Kingdom) saved me from the "torture treatment" that you had been giving me (sadly to my brother as well), well at least for 3 years that we were there. Those 3 years overseas were the best years of my life, and i will always cherrish and remember them. It was also from those years, that i can reflect upon my intellectual development and also my lack of social development. I'm a loner. I confine myself to those few good friends that i find over the years. Sometimes i just find no one to connect with at all, and that's just sad. The worst part is, i moved 5 times in those 3 years, and changed to 3 different schools. Friends, never lasted longer than 6 months because i would just shift to another place and just leave them in my memory. After those 3 wonderfu years, i came back. Again, hell started.
In the UK, the cane is illegal, but not here. So, as the dreams of a perfect child resumed, so did the "torture treatment". When i think about it, you're a military man. Not just a low ranking seargent, but an officer, a Colonel, a one star general. That already says something of your ego, your superiority. It also says something of how you think and treat your subordinates. But how about me? Oh, i was just another one of your subordinates.
I think, and i still don't know why, that you have always been so ignorant and hard-headed, that anything that doesn't go "your way" is nothing at all. Plus, you had to bring your military attitude into your personal and family life. I pity those that have to go through the same or even worse treatment than me. At least i didn't have to wear a uniform and call you "Sir" all the time. But you still had your superior attitude, and you never could let go of that. Even until now, you still have to pull some strings and instill that attitude in us. What the FUCK?!?! I'm not some soldier in your military unit, i'm your DAMNED son. I use the word DAMNED in CAPITAL letters because you treated me like dirt. Why? I can give you extremely vivid examples. Firstly, you always used punishment as a deterant and lack of punishment as a reward. Whenever i do something right, i hear nothing. There is never any recognition for the good things that i do. What do you want? Results, results and results. Are those damned exam results so important to you? For all i care, i would give you those results, at the expense of living a proper life and also the expense of having any direction in life at all. Why? Hey, you only want results, what the FUCK do i do after that, huh? You're not going to tell me what to do anymore, i have to decide for myself. Even so, if you want me to have good results, why then, when i get like 60% on a test you start calling me "stupid" or "idiot"? That is totally, one reason that i have given up on the school level education in this country, it's so exam orientated that parents take their children like lightsabers and battle out who is the best at just exams. Is that all that matters? What about your child's well-being? How can you talk about doing well in the future, when right now, at this moment, you are making life a living hell for your own child? He doesn't even have any well-being now! What makes you think that you have the right to talk about him having a good future?
The first two months in school when i came back, were literally hell. I had to scramble to pick up on 4 years of chinese and malay language, not to mention the workload in chinese primary school at standard 5. For the first two months, I spent each and every night, doing homework until 12 midnight. I was glad that i managed to get 2 A's and B's for the rest of my subjects in UPSR and leap right into Form 1. I managed to get into the best school in Melaka, where my life took a big turn. Still, father, you never really understood me. I can tell you now, that i had already known alot of things at the age of 11, while you were struggling to start to know when you were the age of 20. By the age of 16, i felt extremely isolated. People never realise this, but i felt so alone with my age group. People just didn't think like me, they all struggled with issues while i was onto more advanced things, like how the missles launch; the fundamental basics behind faith; the reason for child abuse; the reasons behind the attitudes of people around me; the thirst to gain a true balance in my life; and i wanted to be able to just let go of all my worries and doubts. I wanted to do all those things at that age, and you never even realised it, your attitude and treatment towards me never helped one bit. Behind your countless degrading remarks and many times of when i felt so depressed and dissapointed to why i was born at all, i had to push myself to live on and attain those goals. The only thing you had was money. Yes, you had plenty to use, and you perceived giving me money to spend as providing me with love and understanding as well. That is sick. Money can never replace love. There was once a person from college that asked me why love was so important to me, well now you should know why. I never had any, even my parents couldn't give it to me.
It seems so senseless, yet true when i say that out of your anger, i could find that you actually cared about me. There were times when i just wanted to tell you how dissapointed i was in you but i didn't want to create more turmoil, so i just held it all inside. I realised that i had to push myself to relentlessly ignore all your comments of how "stupid" i was and how i was such an "idiot" to not be the first in class. I was in the friggin best primary school in the entire state, it even had national ranking, and i also had to catch up with 4 years of chinese and malay language that i had missed, and you expect me to give you all that within the span of a year? I would have gladly jumped off a cliff if i even knew how to at that age. Do i have to get straight A's for you to be satisfied? You always told me, "Do your best." Ah well, i always did. Whenever i did so, and just couldn't meet your expectations of the "perfect child" i had to be, i was scolded and punished. If i were a normal child, i would have reacted differently from what i did. But, i only knew how to confine myself and escape into my own world of sanctuary. I became so sad at times, that i just didn't want to go to school. There was this once, when i watched a movie that this boy was not really the child of the father, although he had been previously led to believing so. I really thought that i was the same thing, that i was just an adopted child or some child an alien had dropped for you to take care of. It would have explained all your ill-treatment towards me. But that wasn't the case. I cried at the thought that i would have to deal with these parents till i gained my independence. If it wasn't for some good friends at school, i doubt that i would have survived my primary school at all.
When i reached secondary school, i had already developed a much tolerant to being alone with your torment. Still, you gave me your treatment, thinking that it was the best way to educate me. But punishment only pushed me deeper into withdrawal, and if it wasn't for the love i found with my first girlfriend, i would have never broken out of that shell and discovered the outside world. Yes, i had a girlfriend before. In fact, i've had two. Amazing? Interesting? Sure as hell you don't know because i never told you before. I could never share these things with people that didn't understand me. I dare to say that even they have a deeper understanding of me compared to what you know. It feels so sad you know, that i can't even count on my parents to truly understand me. Don't give me excuses like i never talked to you! It was you who never tried to explore me deeper, you always saw me for what i am outside and never for what i had inside. Haven't you ever heard of the saying "never judge a book by its cover"? I never broke my silence out of sheer respect that you deserve as my parents. However you treated me, i still acknowledge you as my parents. You're lack of understanding in me nearly cracked me to extreme depression when i was just started Form 4. But i didn't let it get to me. I still went on and spent my time living dual lives. One for you to see, one for me to experience. All i learned from you, from that i never want to treat my children like this. Treating them as if they were me and thinking that they would respond to the same things as i did. Times change and generation gaps exist for you to recognise them, not to ignore them! I am in a totally different generation from you, and also i'm not the average person that sleeps before 12 and wakes at 6. Even you can see that i'm different, from the way that i like to spend alot of time alone just thinking, from the way that i sleep so late at night, from so many ways that you never bothered to go and notice.
I had never been able to live a normal childhood, and you know that. Even you had mentioned it once to me. I think, because of that i have impended my social development. I think i've become afraid as well because i was bullied in class several times due to being much less social than normal kids. The worst part is knowing that you knew that and never tried to find out why. I understand that you were not very social either. So you think you can exert the same values onto me? That is wrong. Father, you tell me to think about what i do everyday. I do. Do you? You can't even change your attitude and have made people live in fear of you. You always shift your superiority around and demand so much of me that i cannot give. When i don't live up to your expectations, you just scold me. Is that all you can do? Do you see the real problem? You give me no damn motivation to succeed at all. There is no encouragement on your part. You think by me getting a few A's then you give me some money, that is encouragement enough? I still feel so empty. Money is not everything. I have this gap in me that is left for my parents to show some form of appreaciation that i even exist. That gap has always remained empty, because whatever i do just doesn't live up to your expectations. I never will. You've already had this agenda set for me. Remember, that is your agenda and your dream, not mine. I cannot live your dreams father, i have my own to live. You have to live your own and i cannot live them for you. I never told you this, because i never wanted you to be sad. In return, what do i get - even more dissapointment and sadness from you.
I never feel that you appreciate me. How can you? You don't even know me.
For all those children that have been through worse, or are going through the same thing, i share your pain. I still live through it.
For all those parents that are reading this, i hope you know what you are putting your children through. You might not realise this, but you make your sons and daughters cry every night. They don't cry anymore is just because they have grown up and learned that crying is useless. But what can they do? In their hearts, they still cry! You better find ways to treat your children better, or i will have passed from this world in vain. My tears will have been for nothing at all, and my mere existence is meaningless.
You've already done enough talking.
Just shut the hell up, and start listening.
16 comments:
hey.. I could actually understand the agony that you're in in some ways. nope, my dad isn't and wasn't a military man but he definitely has an attitude problem. we both have different dads and we handle different situations but i guess we went through the same depression. it was really heart-breaking. i always wondered why my parents never seemed to say anything when i was right and condemned me when i was wrong? what about the efforts that i make to show that i have improved? doesn't that matter to them? nope, i don't feel appreciated at all. i wondered if they've loved me. and i figured that was the dumbest thing i ever questioned. i can really relate to your problem when you said your dad didn't even make the effort to find out when you were bullied. yea, i used to sit down and sulk and wonder why they never bother. then i told myself, hey, probably they thought i could handle it on my own. so i made the move and tell my mom my struggles. about the family and my dad. what really saddened me was she didn't even show like she cared enough. i had to bug her to get her to talk about it. i felt lonely. i felt like no one really could understand me, and there wasn't really anyone to share with. they won't understand. they would tell me that it's a normal thing, every family has its own conflicts and blablabla. i knew i had a family problem years ago, when my parents quarrelled openly in front of me and my siblings. my mom tried to change his ways but never seemed to work. my siblings and i have our very own issues with him and we don't share. it feels really awkward. yea feeling awkward in a family, pretty ironic huh? and everytime i chose to ignore it, in hopes of things will get better eventually. it didn't. and i finally decided to face it. and i've grown to know more. a thing my friend once said to me was, children are raised up to be better than their parents. am i really making the difference? i sulk everytime my dad reminds me of myself. he once said that he gets angry by just looking at me, to my face. i cried night after night over my emotional pain, seeking for comfort somewhere. and i realised i wasn't exactly making any move. i was dwelling in my own misery. i chose to cry, not to make things better. and that is obviously easier than to stand up. but how is that gonna change things? no, they will never see my pain. i hid them. i see the importance of making the difference. i'm a whole lot happier now. the problem isn't in your dad, or my dad. it's in us. how can we say that our parents don't love us? i want my parents to understand me, so much, but do i understand them in return? i don't. when they can't seemed to change, we gotta fit in. it sucks and its hard, because it seems like i'm the only one who's making the effort to make things right. but through this, i am actually stronger than how i was. i don't cry about it anymore. and i learnt that we are all DIFFERENT. we express love in different ways. i thought words will mean alot to people, because it mean alot to me. but no, i was wrong. they may feel loved when one does things for them? buy gifts? or.. obey? i'm not saying that i'm totally fine with my dad's attitude now, but things are definitely better, at least with myself. i always blamed my parents for bringing me up in such a way and they somehow appeared as hypocrites to me. but parents are also human beings. they expect highly from us, but so do we. i can say that, i am also a hypocrite, too. i always put the blame on them but turns out, i am at fault, too. it takes two to make a thing happen right? i never respected my dad but you did and it's obviously something you are to keep up with. and i am really working on it hahah. i know God, and i am very sure that He didn't put me here in this family by accident. there's a purpose to it and He has helped me alot. again, i'm definitely stronger now. hey, i'm not any different from you. both you and i are God's created beings and He loves us the same. He will surely run to help you if you seek for Him. about making the difference, no doubt you can too.
this post is special. it is also a moaning of my heart. though, it is also more of a message to the public rather a moaning from me. i learned that it is rather useless to moan and cry anymore. although i did write this when i really could not withstand the tension inside me anymore, i also wrote it for all those out there to realise that this is happening. for those dads, i hope you're not treating your child like this, though you love them you still have to show it in the right way. for those people that are or have been through this, i share you pain.
this is a cry of pain for all those in suffering.
this is a cry for love to all dads out there.
this is a cry for understanding.
so how are you?
i'm doing alright.
it's painful, but i'm doing alright.
it's something that i've chosen to endure through. after all, i do not with to break hearts.
what about your siblings? do they feel the same?
doubtfully.
may i know your name? initials maybe?
hey.. been really busy lately. me? im not a blogger. i'll remain as anonymous =)
wow its been a week already. i havent been touching the comp for that long. so how are u in this week's time?
things with my dad are still really awkward actually. that day i fell sick and my mom told him to feel my forehead. i was like.. what? and i could sense that he felt a little uncomfortable about it too because he sorta procrastinated. but he came around anyway. it felt really really weird but wasnt too bad. its like.. something ive never felt of for a very long time. i dont exactly know how to describe it but it was sorta a big thing to me. i was thinking maybe i can patch things up from there and it was actually going quite well.
until today. i was being a baby. i was mad at him of how he had responded to my actions. and i thought it was wrong and i was expecting him to change his attitude to suit mine. i wasnt gonna blow on him cuz i know its not right but i did act childishly. then i spent some time thinking about it, i was really wrong. i remembered one story in the newspaper about a boy who burnt his house for rm1. how ridiculous right? he was so angry that his sister refused to lend him money so he mengamuk-ed larr. read that? i think im not any different from him today besides not destroying any property. anger was all over me. sick.
owh. im just sharing.
Ah well, i wont be as childish as that because i learnt to deal with my anger some time ago. though, it still resides inside me. but day by day, i tell myself that my dad is still my dad. he's been bringing me up for so long, so i at least owe him those years. at least i won't get mad at him for bringing me into this world.
yeah, i know how awkward it can seem when suddenly somebody warms up to you when all along he's been so cold to you. sometimes parents choose to use the stern strick way of punishment to make sure their children listen. however, this worked for awhile but i doubt it's very effective nowadays. children are exposed to more things and this type of treatment will add even more to the confusion that they already have. it's just two contradicting ideas: love and anger. When they fuse together it just goes wrong.
Instead of just getting angry, it's always better to try and explain a the matter to the child. Why did he do wrong? What did he do wrong? It's much better than just leaving a child wondering why his father scolds him all the time. With a reason, at least the child can start to comprehend his faults and change for the better. I had to realise what my parents wanted for me by myself. Parents just expect you to know you're wrong, when you actually don't know. Sometimes they just don't realise that we don't live in their generation anymore and our their values don't apply anymore. They should tell us and we can communicate with them better. Then at least they could change their style to suit us. People always criticize their children. They always say that the parents have to work so hard and the children just do nothing at home. They don't realise that the children have to go to school and also deal with their parents' attitudes. It's not a one way process. When the parents deal with the children, the children will have to deal with the parents as well. When the parents just get angry and have ill-treatment all the time, the child has even more psychological impact.
My friends say that i'm some sort of intellectual. I thank them for that compliment. But, the fact that i think alot and understand still doesn't mean i don't have the emotions trapped inside me. I have trapped them all this while and whenever it comes out it just bursts. I not only have anger and dissatisfaction with my father but also other factions of life that bring me no joy. But still i strive to rid myself of the need to feel angry and always try to turn these bad moments into positive moments for more understanding and knowledge.
what are the positive moments?
well, it's just if you feel angry, irritated, frustrated by something, just try to understand why the person did it. I always do that so that I can know why it happened and what was the real reason behind it. Sometimes things happen, but the person doesn't show it in the right way. I try to understand why, i find that it helps me get over my feelings of rage and anger. slowly, they just dimisnished and i managed to handle these things with a more open-mind.
owh.. reminds me of a prayer. ".. grant that i may not seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying (to ourselves) that we are born to eternal life."
that is a very good analogy to reflect on =)
though the last part needs some inference made to understand the true meaning hehe......though it's besides the point.
there are alot of things in the bible that we all can learn of. one is that anger is only returned with anger. so i always try not to invoke anger or use anger. makes life more worth living without hearing shouting everywhere =)
mmm.. yeah. =) ya know what i've just learnt of? God reveals to us what kind of person we have been to Him through the people He brought into our lives. and we should exhibit to others what He has exhibited to us. its easier this way i think because we compare ourselves to those that well, has offended us, and realize that we are of the same?
=)
things get hectic, and we can alway use the time to learn from our mistakes and out actions. that's why Jesus always said Repent..because he's asking us to look into ourselves and seek improvement.
hey, nice to know you. =)
you too =)
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