Change for tomorrow
Placing nothing but myself in retrospect
Putting everything within every aspect
Through a filter long and twisted
Along those lines I found myself
Different, changed and with much to ponder
I returned to a feeling, which before
I had found hard to accept
I never wanted to grow up
I dreamed to be a real-life peter pan
But here I am and here I stand
I am already somebody else
I have changed to embody something new
This was what I was so afraid of?
I see it differently now
I never grew up, I just learned to be something new
Something refreshing, not a stranger to myself
A person that dared to accept it all, saying
"What am I waiting for?"
Just yesterday, I had flipped through some journals that I had written. These journals had been special to me because they were of a very personal manner. I had written many, many pages into it and as I read it, I found myself looking onto a part of me that had long been changed and perhaps evolved into something else. In those journals, I found all I could do about my problems were moan and moan about them. I was almost always gloomy, though in a clearly different type of gloom to which I have been submitted to at the moment. Perhaps I was being too much the pessimist or it was just the attitude of "it's hopeless", because the more I read, the more I found it as if the writer was in a hopeless mode that would almost certainly lead to suicide. If you are reading this and find it disturbing or astonishing, you are no more surprised as I am. I was looking at a person who had just let go of his own will, and decided to wait for things to happen. I thought back to the days that I had penned down those feelings of dissatisfaction and hopelessness, and I thought how I ever came to doing such a thing. That was the question, and that is the question that drove me to search for a better place. As a person settled to being quite alone and quiet, I found myself unable to search for this peace among others, so I searched for it within myself.
Firstly, I'll have to say that this world is not as lonely as I might have put it, or as some of you out there might have found it. There are a number of people out there that I am extremely glad to be friends with and I believe you know who you are. I hope you guys find reason to smile in every moment. Even those who I barely know, they too make life much more worth while. I am quite a placid person unless disturbed, so I would not be surprised if nobody knows about what I think about friends and acquaintances. I don't really seek out anybody and I'm mostly seen alone. I spend most of my time thinking when I'm alone, so I'm almost always occupied with something. So if I did accidentally seem to brush off anyone or seem not to see you, forgive me because it's just who I am. I rarely do approach people just. It's almost always the opposite really, so forgive me if I just seem to be an anti-social kind of person. I say things extremely bluntly and direct. I often disregard any sort of bias and just say things for what they really are. This, I know can seem offensive to others. I just see things differently. To those people that I can call close friends, I am grateful that you understand me enough to know this. Life just wouldn't be, if it were without you guys who are just so open-minded.
Seriously, I don't know what I would do without intellectual talk. I just can't seem to live without it. I'm not saying that I don't talk otherwise at all, it's just that I it seems to have become something that I truly love and feel a sense of belonging to. I realize that this may put off many people that are my age and it does seem to bug me. So always I avoid being so terminological and metaphoric. Yes, if you don't know, I do write poems and such. My sense of expression is way off this era. It seems that I'm in the ages of Shakespeare again, where few people still indulge in. It is this part of me that has changed over the years. If you read the poem above, you might have noticed my dream of becoming a real life Peter Pan. It is true that when I was young, I never wanted to grow up. One reason for it was become life was so difficult and you have so many responsibilities. Yet, as the days past I grew to realize how complex yet wonderful it could be. One learns to be independent and take on life in great strides a new found excitement. Life was not a very enjoyable experience for me when I was a child. Though I didn't grow to despise it, instead I grew to embrace it with all the changes that came with it.
Out of all the moaning and whimpering that I found myself in when I was writing that journal, I found that I was not hopeless and helpless against the torrents of set-backs that life threw my way. It's the same with everyone, as we all have bad times in our lives. Though, it's our rising from those bad times that brings out the best in us. At the moment, I still am going through pits of down times. Though, it seems that I have a very different outlook if compared to just two years before. How my personality has changed, it really surprises me. From the moaning and sadness I made myself safe haven where I could always return to. Each time I fell, I climbed up again. I found that I had things within myself that could help me go on. However times may have brought me down, I still managed to push myself upwards. That is the greatest feeling that I have ever felt.
Some people, even my closest friend I think, feels that I am not very normal. I find this very amusing. Though slowly, as I began to read up on psychology articles, I found some similarities between me and some people with psychological disorders. Now I know what was freaking my friend out so much. I smiled and still found it amusing. Of those of you that may somehow have found out about some quite serious problems that I have been facing, I am now seeing a psychologist for therapy. This is a very big change for me because I have never actually talked about my personal problems with anyone before. I always dealt with myself, and every day I tried to further enhance my capabilities for dealing with matters on my own. Perhaps that is why I am more of a loner, though it doesn't mean that I am not welcome of new friends. Please don't assume that of me for I always welcome new friends. It is always a happy sight for me, but some people are just too...let's say insensitive or just too caught up with their generalisations of me to see so. I don't know how some people can see loners as arrogant and snobbish. That was a real surprise to me when I first found out. Perhaps it's just that some people are mature enough to find out the truth before they start to make assumptions. Well I can't change those people.
The seas, rough
The winds, piercing
The fires, burning
The sun, scorching
I see these troubles before me each and everyday. There are times when these things weighed down on me so much that I just broke down and could never get up again. I believe that I went through some of that recently. It really depressed me. I have no idea why I go through those events sometimes. At some incidents, they just happen for no reason whatsoever. I just let them be and they ate at me even more. Though the instant I realized this I went began to make steps to get over the state that I was in. The moment that I realized that I needed more help, that is when I went to approach a counselor. As I read back my own words and compared to them to what I would write down now, I realize that I had grown out of the moaning stage and had begun to actually act on my own problems. I realize that I had it inside me to help myself up whenever I fell down. I am very thankful to be able to do so.
As for the Peter Pan dream, well I am still living it. I think a friend of mine will want to know why, because this friend didn't want to change or grow up either. I think you know who you are ;). I didn't have to see the change as growing up. I just saw it as going on for tomorrow. I still have a very, very alive and kicking little child inside me and I am very glad of it. I still have some fun in my life, even though it may be sometimes related to research on cognitive science and debating philosophies, lol. I changed for tomorrow, getting over my problems and correcting my faults. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, but it is my dream to become as perfect as I can be. I hope that everyone else can do so as well.
Live your life.
LIVE your dreams~~
2 comments:
you deserve a pat on the shoulder man. its great to know you're thinking positively. =)
thanks bubbles ^^
though I think I'm more of a mediator. I think neutral without sense of positive or negative. Or you could say that I think with both positive and negative together, so that I don't leave out anything to biasness =)
Sometimes, you just need to fall to learn to get up. Sometimes, you make yourself fall just to get up again ~ Humility
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