It
From within a love song, or a song of friendship, or a song of emotion, there is so much to render the heart a wisp of emotional outpour - at least for me. There are times when I cannot hold back my emotions anymore and I just have to make myself cry to just attain emotional release. There are times when I can just see everything in such positive regard that nothing could go wrong. Yet of the two, my mind chooses to head towards the first situation more often. It has almost become the "haunt" of my mind's synapses and neuron projections, which command me to utter dismay and a low level of self-esteem.
For now, the leaves have begun to turn red and yellow, thus marking the beginnings of autumn. I always remember autumn, for the season marks my birthday and many colours emerge in autumn. Nature just seems to be giving off its last showcase of colours as it begins to die off into winter. Though, my mood seems to be not too far off from this cycle - spring, summer, autumn and finally winter.
For now, it had become the melodromatic yet colourfully dull autumn. I do realise that my words often seem to make a drama out of things, though I sincerely say that many of those are very real turmoils that I have been through. There is not a single poem or writing in this blog that has not been inspired by my emotions. However, my life would be but meaningless if it were not for my emotions.
Many people do not know me for who I really am, but only what I appear to be. I often talk about games, cars and computers, which makes me seem like any average person from the outside. My outlook doesn't go too far from that either. At first glance, there I would just be a person of that stature. Though, often stereotypes fail to place me anywhere, for I fit into one that seeks much solitude and someone with a philosophers mindset yet a childish nature within. Those who were in the same group as me in the last PSG camp would have gotten to know me a little better. Though, it did surprise me when one of the group members said that she was surprised to find a very quiet person with so many useful thoughts. Another had managed to peer into a side of me that spends time contemplating concepts of moral ethique and metaphysics. Another viewpoint of me shone through when one of the group members pointed out something that I rarely get to do - being very lively.
Though now, I have fallen into something of a direct opposite. Perhaps it was the ending of the PSG camp that spurred this sudden gush of grieving emotions. I know what I want deep inside. A place to call home. The "home" is not just a place to live, but also another person to stay with for the rest of my life. I admit, I'm a love-sick romantic when it comes to relationships and I wish for nothing else but to stay with the one that I love until the end of my days. But there are so many other things. Which one could be the true source of my pain? Or is it just everything and anything?
Questions everywhere, though I believe there is just one answer that I need. What is that answer?
It.
No comments:
Post a Comment