"Just a feeling"
It all started on a normal day. I attended my classes as normal and awaited for the bus to come home. It was at that moment that I felt something touch me; something as light as a feather, but as thundering as a lightning bolt. After that it just felt like nothing. "Just a feeling," I thought to myself. But it turned out to be more than just that.
When I set foot on the bus, my heart felt a burden so great I almost lost balance. I stopped in my tracks for but a heartbeat and it was long enough for me to feel the senseless notations of the burden. I felt so lost. I felt so scarred. I felt so much despair. It was almost unbearable.
In my head, I played a song to cheer myself up. My mood lifted for awhile, yet it sank back to the bottom when as the song ended. It was so perculiar. As if I had experienced the loss of a relative, it gripped with me grief and sorrow. Yet, I was not weeping in anguish; I was not moping in hopelessnesss. Instead, I was carrying on my daily life with something perculiar burdening inside me.
Although it felt like sadness and hopelessness had overwhelmed me, I was not beset of my will. It seemed that I could carry on as I always did. Though, I felt a great lack of enthusiasm in everything I did. "Am I really sad?" I asked myself. It was an appropriate question, but with no appropriate answer. I felt both sad and happy at the same time. As time passed, I began to be able to identify with my emotions. However, they were of such perculiar magnitude: one was lost in despair and another was lively with energy. It was as if I was living two half-lives. The sadness gripped hold onto my heart, senseless and torturing; while the energy surged through my mind, empowering and surreal.
I became much more sensitive to sudden outbursts of emotions around me. Even the intonation of speech became a horror to perceive. Everything around me seemed to be interpreted into two different aspects. Laughter became happy yet isolating, a smile became cheerful yet simpathetic and a shout became enthusiasm and fear. Such an interpretion of emotions and actions was driving my mind downhill into insanity. It just seemed so senseless that I was actually feeling two sets of emotions at the same time.
In the end of the day, I said to myself again, "Just a feeling". Though one thing was for sure: it wasn't a normal day after all.
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