This is just the beginning of me
The astounding mysteries of the complexity of my mental framework still puzzles me deeply. I seem to seek an extremely personal intuition of my own welfare. However, I am deeply puzzled by the fact that I have since come to realise a great change from the moment of the starting of my compelling interest in intellectual and philosophycal aspects of life, to the now more morbid state of which I seem to have been caught up with.
The ideals that I have been living with have been changing from time to time. As in all societies and generations, there shall always be change for further proliferation of life and death - yes, death as well. Life and death come in a package that is inevitably the truth to existance. Though it is up to the individual to decide to what extent he or she shall take into belief the assumption of the basic "life and death" model. Some groups of thought, especially religious ones, prefer to take into account an afterlife. Others may believe that you turn into nothing more than a rotting corpse buried 6 feet beneath the ground, which will eventually turn into bone because the bacteria in the soil uses your decaying tissue and muscle to provide for their own life. Back on track, I can greatfully say that my ideals of the current day are totally different from my ideals a few years back. It took an extremely "enlightened" mind to disassociate me from the common crowd that idolise mostly materialistic items. Since a child, I have learned to observe and just listen to my surroundings. Perhaps in the period of my childhood, I have observed much interactions of factions to the detail that many people do not attempt nor bother to think about. Perhaps this is the aspect that distinguishes me from living a life based on the "norm" that society has implanted in almost every single man and woman. Yes, I believe that I have attained certain traits that could help me fit in within the society. After all, I have come to learn that socialising is both beneficial in the aspects of relationships and learning.
Although all this chatter of socialising has been brought up to me since the age of 7, I am still very much an introvert. My parents and relatives had always seen me to be of an "anti-social" behavior. Mind you, "anti-social" in this case is not the psychological term but the layman term of being "just too quiet". Yes, I am quiet, aren't I? I've asked many a friend or acquaintance and the first thing he or she would notice is that I am just a very conserved person. However, on my side of the picture, it would seem that I am just living the way that I have been built to live. I know that I may change into something else in the laters days of my life, though know that my fundamental values still exist within me as strongly imprinted inside me as my DNA ( If you don't know what DNA is. Seriously go get yourself a dictionary, for heaven's sake!). Coming back to the context, I am a reserved person in spoken language indeed. Though, as you may have noticed in my writing, I am certainly not reserved in my thinking and literature. Though I may be quiet in person, I am always thinking and pondering things of a very abstract nature. My mind does not seem to be able to quiet down. From the moment that my dad started teaching me algebra and substitution at the age of 7, I realised that I had started to think alot. I don't mean thinking about stuff like "Hey, I want a new bike" or "wow what a nice game, I want to play more". It was more of jamming up my mind with some complicated stuff until I managed to figure it out. I always had a thing for doing extremely complexed stuff and I enjoyed it extremely.
From the moment I picked up the Bible and read the New Testament, I had an entire explanation inside my head that could tell me the realistic truths and practical values that it emphasized on. In fact, in a cell group back in Melaka, I was termed a "disciple" of sorts with one of the elders in the church. At that age I was still young compared to all those present - 18. Two years before that, I had already initiated in a quest to find myself in the havoc and chaos of the conflicts and processes in the world. This brought me to much conclusions and I had learned alot through observations and listening to the intonation of conversations. I learned the basics of anger, happiness and sadness. These three basic emotions are like the three basic colours - they are the basis for all other emotions that exist. Example: suicide can be formed from the lack of happiness and extreme sense of sadness and anger at oneself. The anger is projected towards oneself because the individual decides to end his misery due to the lack of happiness that comes from the outside world. The sadness that the individual feels is from the sense of guilt felt from the conotations of leaving all the world behind. There is always something worth to be lost, even in the heart of a suicidal individual.
By the age of 18, I was exposed to the Bible and went deeply into the art of meditation and I also explored in detail the fundamental mechanics of philosophy. In the process of searching of these "truths" that to me was of the most importance, I also began to realise other aspects of life. It was at the age of 18 that I finally broke out of my "shell". That "shell" was of a loner and extremely little contact with the outside world. You might say that I had no social life at all. I quote a comment on my first outing with my classmates when I was in form 4 (translated from chinese): "How do you talk to him?" Yes, those words exactly. People apart from my gamer friends or close friends had no idea of how to interact with me. It was such a rare case for anyone at all to see me in close proximity when I was not bound by the academic constitution of schools. I spent most of my time writing, thinking and listening to music. Perhaps music is one of the things that inticed the creative part of my writing, because I managed to learn the techniques of vivid expression and "reading between the lines". At the age of 18 also, my love for writing had come to point where I actually started to write my novel. That novel is still underway as I write this post. I hope one day to publish it and a few people will be the ones receiving free copies of it.
Now, if you do not already know, I am nearing my 20th birthday. Somehow the older I grow the more feeling of responsibility weighs me down. The responsibility not only stretches across my academia but also my life. Life as in the sense of using my capabilities to send out a message for the world to see and know the plight of those in loneliness and depression, and also the sense of preparing myself for a future that will not only ensure my own well-being but more importantly my partner in life. Yeah, very strange perhaps for a loner/intellectual/indifferent person. It might seem so, but I too have these dreams - I just do not speak out of them. I believe in making way for the problems of other people and becoming at least a guiding light for them, if not capable to resolve it completely for them. In my dreams and my hopes for this world, I would rather give up all my blessings and angels to my friends out there. I do not get too close to people, I do not know why. But even those I know as merely acquainances are worth my time to listen to. Though, I just do not show it. I believe if they do need a ear to listen to, they would come to me. Does it sound like too glorifying? Too much of a great cause? Well whatever it is, I deemed it to become my calling from the start of my journey to become a better person. Read in disbelief if you may. I tend not to your jealousy and envy. Although you may have assumptions that I do this just for the fame and glory, just think twice before you judge me. If you do know me and envy me, think again. Have you even noticed me doing this? Do I brag about this to anyone? Damnit if I wanted the fame I could've just gone and started a column like "big brother" in the papers. Don't you dare criticise my language. I dare say that my level of literacy is much higher than most of you out there. To you gas bags out there, if you think you can brag and say what I'm doing in nothing and so easy to live, why don't you try it? Living by your principles day by day striving to better yourself without any sense of glory. I personally know and have seen a few of these "gas bags" out there who know no concrete substance but belittling other people around them. These people annoy me very much.
The things that I have set myself to do are not an easy task. Though I believe that anyone out there who wishes to reach his or her life's goal is not going to find it easy. A life goal is a journey to the end. Nothing that goes that far will be easy at all. So I dare say that I have just started my journey a little earlier compared to others because eventually everyone else will be going on the same pathway. Though, my way of unorthodox seems to be extremely out-of-place in the very rigid and certainly naive society of the country that I am living in. I say this in general and please do not get so easily offended by this. You know yourself and you should be able to guide yourself to lead a better life. In my opinion, a better life would be one that would not hold any conflict with others, instead I would be doing my part that would benefit others first, and then myself. Though, that is just me. Please, find your own pathways that lead to the best cause for everyone. You are not the only person in the world after all. I learned that and from that day on I became more able to listen and attend to the need in others. From there I gained the greatest satisfaction of all. I will always enjoy doing my part in keeping others on the top sides of life. The dark is so cold and devastating.
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