self pity =(
I think, i've been living in a place and age that is not suited for a person as i. I seem to not fit into the picture very well. Most of the time, i am just drifting from place to place as i find somewhere that might be my temporary shelter and accomodation in this age of MTV and superficial heroes. I can't seem to find a place where i could truly rest my mind and be at peace with the surroundings.
All that i've said is like a book full of riddles and that is the person that i am. I could care less about myself, but for the fact that i have to preserve myself to carry on in this existance. Reason being, nobody seems to care much around here, so i can't really see why i should care much about myself. Everyone is looking after everyone, but me, at least i don't feel that i'm being put in fair light, i feel shundered and left out, so i too look after others and barely see to my own caretaking. Sometimes i feel that i am not worth the worry at all, and i should not want anything that nobody willingly gives. But i too am a human, and i have emotions, however hidden they may be. It may seem like nothing, but i am hurting inside.
I would like a day, when i could just speak in riddles and not be ridiculed by society for speaking in such a manner. When all my life i have been answering riddles of other people, so now i wait for someone to answer the riddle that should unlock something inside me. i feel that there is something inside me just waiting to spring out, if only someone could find the right key to open the doors. I guess, i'm waiting for someone to care and i should set myself free and become complete.
Why do such a futile search? Yes, i know that i have found, and lost before. I think that when i moved to 5 schools, and had friends who would just dissapear from my life in a few months, i started to feel like a deserted island; or maybe just a vacation spot. People just come and go, and then never come back. Why does it have to be like that...?
I may know quite a number of people, but i'm not close to them and i feel distant. Maybe i'm just preparing myself to hurt again, when they leave...again. But, it would really be nice to have some good friends around, ones that would spare time and listen to what i want to say. I never really had a friend that could really do that, and i don't blame anyone for that. It just really isnt' a nice feeling. After 20 years, i don't really have anyone that would just hear me out and me willing to tell that person about my problems. I know i've been speaking to myself and doing alot of stuff on my own, but i always wonder why people couldn't spare me some space. It's like there's an invisible barrier around me, and whenever i do get genuinely depressed people don't make any real effort to try and cheer me up. While i offer my time to others, i just hope that others might offer the same time for me...
At least, i've managed to come learn ways to cope with my unstable emotions. I can't really control the shifts that my emotions bring me through, but at least i know that i can handle them now. I always try and accomodate for someone else. And, i really have no idea why i tend to shy away while in public. I feel like nothing in the masses. There are sometimes where i just seem to ignore people that i know when they walk by, i apologise for that. I just can't help it. I try my best not to do that and i've begun to open up a little more. But if you do find me like a stone in public, just say hi and i promise you a hi back; that much i can do.
i can't live without you
and i'm dying inside
just to reach you
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