Truth of mind
A day at a time, the grass grows longer, as the skies darken and then glow bright again, and the world spins as the time passes. I though i had seen past go by be and the awful days pass, but i come to realise that it is just beginning - i'm still so young and have many years to come.
Years ago, a journey started from a small thought in my mind. I though that i had found somewhere to head to, at least somewhere on earth - perhaps i was looking in the wrong places. I didn't manage to find a place to belong to and the journey continues on. I'm in search for a place to belong.
I have found my origins such a mess, not one that i can't sort out, but one i cannot accept. My name is embedded with some ancient chinese conquerer's signature, one that i am not very proud of due to his act of cruelty after his success. My parents, though they might have good intentions, are just not prompt in placing their care. I suppose that this is the plague that all chinese children might find themselves in, parents seeing monetary rewards as all compensating for everything that they might have done to us. Money might be important, but it can't pay back for all those things that they had done, or the things that they had not provided. I've come to sort of resent the traditional chinese "condition". Chinese might be well-known to be very good in their economic sense, but money can't replace everything.
Once, i came to a time when i had to make a choice between following my parent's ways of treating me and my own ways of living. I chose against my own family's values. I may act dumb and very quiet infront of them, but i'm not the naive person they probably know me to be. My father's military-style, dictatorship doesn't please me or do me much good. The rigidness of his ways may have thought me discipline, but it didn't serve me much good - i grew up to feel no emotion. My mother and her cynical ways of treatment, like the old "you see, you see" and "i told you, you didn't listen to me" ways of handling any negative situation i ever fell into, only thought me more about the feeling of being useless and demerited in a family. To wrap it all up, their expectations of my studies were just too much for me to take. It just seemed that the way to get to please them was to be the top student in the entire form, which i never did manage to comply with. Instead of wanting to carry on with their ways or torturing their children, i decided that i was never going to grow up to be parents like them. Even before i graduated primary school, i had already decided this. From that day on, i felt even more distant from my parents and family.
In some moments, i take time to look back to what i had decided on in my years of early adolescence. It has always come to me, that i meet discrimination everywhere that i go. When i had decided to convert to Christianity, i saw a sea of followers as i joined in my first few church assemblies. After that, i stopped attending. How come i must conform to the standards of others when i am already carrying out things much better than most of those fakers are doing? I see no point in it. I'd rather do good elsewhere, where i can, than doing something i find no meaning from. For that, there are more than many people who would speak out against my acts, and i can assure you that many of those are just doing things for show. And i wonder, why i would even care about these people when they try and stone me to death in their minds.
For a long time, since i stepped out of the irritating shell of an existance, comforming to society in a trial of death for discrimination and dictator stereotypes, i can never seem to stop the hammering of the things and way i do things. I never try to think bad of people, but it just dawns upon me that i can have such a bad encounter with selfish people who claim to be the best of the best - it's sickening.
Though, from all that i see people, and whatever i have to deal with, i just want to find someone to head to. My journey started with the search of someone to actually help me with my worries, and it shall end by me having given my life for the person as well. I've come to dead ends, sometimes i'm just afraid because each step closer opens up old wounds and memories that i might fall again. I could just give in to my misery and let myself go, falling deep and not waking up again to face the world. But, there are some people, at least one person that i would not want to put in despair. Am i tired? Yes, but i dont want to give up. I hope i never will, not just for myself, but also for one that i am waiting for.
Too good to be true? i wouldn't regret anything that i just said. Could you do the same with your words?
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