What's wrong?
Quoted & Edited: (conversation on msn)
Avari: What's wrong?
Moony: I don't know...
- End of conversation -
My feet grow tired and my shoes are as heavy as iron plates. I seem disconnected from reality and i just realised that i am just sitting infront of the computer, doing nothing but staring at the screen. An image of consolation flashes in my mind, but the memory of the previous encounter just shreds that thought to pieces. Just as i had thought there was some hope for the future, it is taken away from me and i lay on the ground like a worn out cloth: trampled and torn.
How i wonder if it would go away. It's not the first time, and perhaps there is still more to come, but this year is definitely the most turbulant year of my life. I want it back, badly. Since the first day that i had tasted it and felt it, i have been ever since hypnotized by it. But it just isn't that simple. "Moony, it's just not that easy..."
I can't be rid of the placid and worn out expression on my face. It is as if i have lost all control over my facial expression and also losing grip on my limbic movements. It seems to be disabling me and i see another storm aproaching me. i'm just lucky to still have my sanity to face the coming torrential rains; glad to still be breathing. I watched a leaf fall down today. Although it was just a plain green leaf that you can find on any tree, i saw it fall differently. In my mind, it went from green to brown, and then black, before crumbling into dust and dissipating into thin air. When in reality it fell, my mind sought to see it differently: the leaf disappeared and my heart fell lower, with another scar on its surface.
I think i am locked inside a room. i like the dark, but this time it just doesn't help anymore. i guess it doesn't, like all the other times, it just betrays its purpose. No, there is no longer any purpose for colour, lighting and taste. It's all lost again, so i must find a way to get it back. But before i do that, i just have to manage to take a step forward.
For those who do know this feeling, i think you will know what it means to have no strength at all. You just can't get out of bed anymore, reason being: it's just useless, useless and useless, and i'm lost of hope. i'm so tired and i want it all to end. But that is the trick, i have to make it end...
Bring me a knife
so i can stab me
give me a sword
i will severe my head
serve me a dish
of poison and death
but i can't even move
i can't even pass away
the only thing i can do
is nothing that i want to
I want some hope because i just feel so down and so lonely. There are so many people but it just might as well be nobody. So many people, but they are so far away. i'm lost and i am alone, and my heart is dying. It's bleeding and bleeding, and it's not going to stop anytime soon.
I wish for a day, when i wont have to feel this way, ever again...ever again. i had a dream, but now it's gone. the sea washed it away and the wind blew it away, and the fire burnt it to cinders and the hail crushed it to nothing; and along with it, it crushed me.
tonight...i just want to sleep...and maybe, just maybe...i'll wake up tomorrow. i hope, that everything will be fine; everything will be better.
i want to cry....
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