Tolerance
Hmm...at this time of the night? day? night? day? morning? dawn? whatever...i think that many people would think "what the hell is he doing blogging at this hour?" lol....
for those who DO know that i sleep at such hours in the morning, sometimes to the extent of not sleeping at all, well truthfully sometimes i don't know why but i just seem to not want to sleep at all. In the midsts of such incredible times of pleasure, how could one want to sleep? Especially since there is the biggest motivation of all to stay up late - study. Right?
As i browse through blogs each and every night, oh no - morning, it seems that one specific detail of my life tries to pry me open so that it can come out. People say that i'm very hyper or very "unstable" with my actions, but then some people say that i'm just super quiet; and yet i wonder how'd it come to a situation that i can be both at the same time. Maybe i'm just tired from my effervecent dreaming that could one day drive me crazy, or maybe i'm lost in my thoughts, or maybe i just don't have people around me that provide me with much motivation to mingle around. I guess the last one would fit better. I seem to become a more...manic personality when i'm around familiar faces. But then, how do i explain myself when i get all gloomy and cold. Albeit the aroused chatter around me, i can still be as distant as the a million lightyears away. But what goes through my mind?
frustration...
but i wonder, how long can i hold up an abundance of psychotic expressions inside me? One big item that worries me is anger management. Nope, you didn't read it wrong. Anger is a problem.
I guess it's a problem for everyone. But, i'm more worried about how i handle anger. Do i handle it well? I know that i don't express it to other people verbally or physically, and that worries me sometimes. Sometimes, people piss me off, but i still manage to put on a puzzled face for them, at least if not a accepting posture. But lately, i feel like i've nearly used up this space that i leave for keeping up all of this anger. It binds itself to my thoughts and actions, and i've been getting bursts of spiteful emotions which i do not like at all. If i get mad at someone, it doesn't feel as if i've vented anything. Instead, it feels horrible, as if i've just killed something - and i think i would if i pour out everything that's inside of me. At least, what i've been doing is keeping it under check, not letting an spot of it see the outside world. I don't intend to let it out.
But lately, i'm going through a frustrating period, and plus, i'm going through another one of those moody times. Ish...it makes me feel very uneasy. Things start to disturb me and irritate me. When it irritates me then i start to feel frustrated. oooooooooh how i feel like punching some sense into people at times...but no, i just let it simmer deeper inside me. No way am i letting it out. So what do i do? I convert it into something else. Anger is this swelling of spiteful emotions, and i take it and turn it into other things. The best remedy, would be laughter. Oh how cliche, but it's true and it works, and i love it because it's the best cure i could get for it. But when it's not there, which is most of the time, and especially now (nothing feels very satisfyingly cheerful nowadays...gloom gloom gloom >.<), another path that i choose to walk down is turning it into despair. I just start playing all those heartbreak, heartache and songs that spiral me down to the gutters of agony and despair, where it just seems i'm lost and broken and shall be forever left behind in the pits. At least, depression i can cure. So i would not mind going there.
But, when i'm around others, it's not nice to be like that. Basically, depression SUCKS big time. Being around someone depressed is worse that being dumped into a coffin and buried alive 12-feet-under. So, it's either just tolerate it, or become that quiet, distant, neurotic person that i'm known to be. Or was it weird and eccentric? Whatever... I used to do that, until...i found out that it doesn't get around with people very well. So, i just decided to expand my threshold of tolerance and let it simmer again, and again, and again, and again...and again... Maybe if it goes too far i'm going to resort to becoming OCD (no offense).
Again, the question pops into my mind: when am i going to wait, and expand my tolerance for others until? I just live my life as if i build it around other people. Though i am mostly a solitary person, i rarely have second thoughts when it comes to friends that need assistance. And especially for a certain person, i must be out of my mind, because there are a few life-changing decisions that i would make. The people around me would be my mould for my outside, but inside, i still remain the same. I still have a philosophical point of view upon life and living it to the fullest and always following my passions. If anyone would know Louis, you'd know the type of philosophical crap that i can come out with.
Anger management. How? It's just another tolerance to me. Like i do with most of my feelings, i just keep them sealed up inside me. I've got this weird thinking that, if anyone were to want to know me better, they'd have to be willing to accept how i express myself - abstractly. And if anyone would want to know me better, they should be willing to understand me. I know little people of that much tolerance for people who are not very much alike to themselves. But for those who are, for friends, i give a kneel of honour. I don't think there is much to sacrifice for. Either it's love or friends. Call me a hopeless romantic, but that's what i feel.
I would think, it's not what you say to a person that spurrs understanding and deeper friendship, but it's all in how you do it. That's the key to any person's heart and soul...
I guess mine is kept deeper embedded inside my mind. I lock it up with chains of peotry and analogy. And posts like this, with such...direct interpretations of my inner feelings, i guess happen once in a blue moon. i'm just glad it's not a vindictive person that's writing this...because inside, sometimes it just dances on the surface of my sanity: the hatred to kill.
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