Return of the voices
Why must the storm come now? It seems to always happen during just before exams. A curse that some wicked witch cast upon me? I have no idea. I just know it's somewhat like a jinx that lurks around me. Maybe it's just psychological? How ironic would that be with me being a psych major. Though, i think that's why the word ironic exists, right?
What a time of lament to have, baffled by the things that go through my mind. Is it that i'm just paranoid? Or am i neurotic? Or i think too much? Well i can't help it. Sometimes i just fall silent and lay still for very long periods. Maybe it's just my head taking a short rest to reorganize some stuff, things that've fallen over here and there, clean up a mess somewhere else, who knows? I just know from those short periods of relief that i get, i become somehow unbound to my body and i'm surfing further and further away from planet earth. Ah, that's my solitary place that i like and that's where i feel a temporal happiness and satisfaction.
But i don't live in a world of my own, do i? I think it wouldn't be me at all. Perhaps i've spent so much time alone as a child, that now i'm starting to explore into the other side of humanity: a social organism. Rather than being shut-off, which seems to have negative impacts on my image that people think i'm some stuck-up ass, i'm just trying to get around to other people a little more. I admit, i suck at it. No, i'm not the very prolific type that'll just hang around in a crowd whilst slowly making my way from one person to another. I think i'm frightened by so many people in one place. Instead, i value quality relationships. Things that remain on the surface, they just seem too superficial for me. Sad, but true, i fall ill because i can't find another person to rest my mind with.
I don't like those people with tempers that boil like the kettle in my kitchen, as if just bursting as they like whenever the water boils. I find it kind of inconsiderate sometimes, especially when they can literally just burst out infront of innocent bystanders. Too much damage is done within just a single moment. It hurts. I would rather have them removed from my life, but i can't. They're here to stay. They remind me of parts of my childhood that cut me to the core, and i resent myself for resenting them. I don't want to leave traces of hatred all over the place, so i just choose to avoid them as much as i can. I have no will to shout at them. And some of them are just stubborn. I admit, they can be cute too. I just don't know why they have to react that way with their anger? It's just destroying all the pleasant peace around them. I wish that it would end...
Maybe there's a cure for me, but it's otherworldly. And maybe there's no cure for me, in this world, i mean. And, for a long time now, i don't know what i'm holding on to. I don't know what's keeping me going. It feels i'm hanging onto some unknown thing, or that unknown thing is keeping me alive. I guess it's just hope. A hope of something that i have little knowledge of, but ironically i can understand why i wait for it. I want a world of peace and quiet. Keep dreaming, right? Yeah, well...that's my eternal dissapointment then, i'll just keep trying to make my dream come true, while you can be the skeptics. I guess i need a family of my own to make it happen, whenever that'll be.
Sigh, the conflict starts again. Yesterday i was lying in my bed before sleeping and those dreadful words came to mind again. I just keep on asking why i should even bother to resist the temptations to get rid of all these dissatisfactions that i have for other people. Some of them run so deep and some are just little things, things that they think is little. Is there something wrong with my perception? Maybe, but other people are hurt by those things as well, so i guess there must be some truth to what i'm seeing and feeling.
Sigh, sigh sigh...why can't i hate somebody? It would be so much easier, right? Is it? Come on, those out there who could bring yourself to hate another person, please tell me how it feels. Because i'm so tired of seeing the good side to other people, i just wish i could change my perspective to trying to hate someone. And i need you to tell me how good it feels to hate someone. Please tell me. Or are you just as tired as me?
Sad, distasteful dreams. Wretched, disdainful people. Right? Am i going on the right track here? Sigh, my heart tells me no, but something else is telling me "yes". What should i do? All this while i've always followed my heart. Which one is correct? Sigh, what voices that boom inside my mind to show me these unknown things. Maybe it's something inside me wanting to get back at them for making me hurt so much, or making other people hurt so much. Whatever it is, i guess tolerance is limited to how much i can take in. I don't know where my threshold is anymore...i think i threw it out the window many years ago. I'm just like some black hole now, just taking it in like it's what i'm made for. Heck, and we don't even know what a black hole actually does yet.
I'm wondering, if i were a child, would people be able to accept these very confusing things inside my head? If i were to speak it out, would people think less of me as a weirdo? Kids are kids, and i guess i'm no longer a kid. Nowonder i never wanted to grow up. Things would just stay simple and confusing as they are, and i would be able to play around with my thoughts as freely as i wanted to with an endless time of play. How wonderful. I miss those times. I want my stolen childhood returned to me.
Really, i'm still wondering, and i've always been wondering: what do i hold on to in this world? In my own reverie, i have my own sanctuary built up for me to heal my wounds and give me strength for tomorrow. But how about outside here? It's as if i can't find anything or anyone that's real to hold on to. Maybe because i've always been looking for someone to actually care in the right way. Meaning that i don't have to make an effort to ask. You know, the three best years of my life were filled with people like that. And now, it seems it's just gone and lost. Back then, people actually sincerely cared for everyone else. I want that time back. And i'm looking for people, at least let there be one person, who can actually do that for me. But there are so many walls around nowadays. It's like everyone has a maze built around them, and nobody actually bothers to find a way through the maze. They mostly want to find the easy way out to get through to a person, they want the map handed to them.
Maybe that's why psychology exists? To make people actually care to find a way through those mazes...
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