Last words

I know there’s a time
For work and play
And there’s a time
For life…
And that precarious subject:
Love…

For a moment I felt it
Brushed my shoulder against it
Felt it embrace me with its warmth
But it was terrifying
That the next moment it went away
With the realization I had to leave it
Or I would die of its addiction
Die of that
Which so deeply embedded
Inside me:
Breathing, beating, feeling
Like another human being
It’s not me that I’m speaking of
But a love child that was born
With the first sight of beauty
So delicately held in your grasp
And so cruelly I had to run
Run, run, and run further
Away from that I yearned so much
Away from that my heart cried out
But for a moment I knew that it was not mine to have
Not now, perhaps later…
But not now

Although the sun rises with each day
My soul falls deeper into this trench that I have dug
It’s not a grave for me to hide
But a place where I can be shadowed away
Keep myself at bay for the moment
Until I can finally take reach of this essence
Of the life that I have been wanting for all my years
Like a child found wanting
Of the love he never had
As if he lived a century, filled with hate
Filled with misery
Instead of love, care and warmth
There were Christmas gifts of
Dread, fright and cruelty

Torn from the childhood dreams
As if I had to grow up a lifetime too early
A feeling of missing out that time
On the times where there should be something else
I was faced with a disaster of development
A force which I could not understand
And that iron will so determined
To wreck my inner workings
Making me into something else
Something without the human I have become
And not knowingly I took it
As if deceived to follow the path of indifference
A first of 18 years were nothing but emotionless
Where was the humane world?
It was just an alien planet
Locked up in the deepest depths of my soul
By some unknown, treacherous being

But then I had to find it
I just had to, somehow I was allured to it
The questions that I asked
And the paths which I trod on
All lead to becoming a human being
Somehow and someway
I found a path leading here
Exactly here!
Why?!

For all those years
I have suffered not the worst
But the best of humanity
Is it such a good thing?
To see all these people
And to ask the questions about life
So far away of my age
So far away from a child?
I am gone, yet I am here
For I was reborn into something else
When I found it, I began to feel
And the immensity of the meaning
Overwhelmed me and lead me to near insanity
My past overshadowed me
And I crumbled before it
All those questions that I asked
About the meanings of life
The meanings of existence
Were within my comprehension
By beyond the child that longed so much
That yearned for something else
Yet he never got that which he wanted
Until I found the road leading here
Where I find
I have grown old
And the child is weeping,
Weeping not silently, but with a scream
And a fit that shakes the heavens
My mind is filled with misery
Of a child wanting
And my old, withering self
Can merely sustain no longer
The pain and agony
Versus the indifference of a logical mind

The child of emotion
And the man of intellect
A philosopher who analyses
And a child who merely plays
Both have ridden me apart
I am torn on both sides
And from there another has emerged
One of a doppelganger
Who wishes to overtake me
I am torn further more
And sudden realization helps me not
For I can only be torn further
Into little shreds, not able to be joined together
I shall be destroyed:
When I can no longer see myself in the mirror
The shreds so small
I can no longer see a single one

Yet why?
Why do I still hold on?
When it is so easy to just let go!
Death is such wonderful escape
Yet one I cannot commit to
Death is not the matter
It’s the wanting that destroys me
You ask me of Hell?
I am living it!