Pandemic

Around and around, in circles or squares, or triangles or any shape you like, you'll revolve around some path that you call a life...

I'm revolving a path that puts myself in the lowest eyes of the public. I believe that it's not other people who place me there, but it's myself who wishes to stay there. Partly it's due to my fear of manipulation and a fear of power. Maybe i'm afraid of being given too much responsibility, fearing that i may use it to seek ends for my own selfish needs. But deep down, i feel that i am losing the ability and strength to stay below in such depths of humility. I'm breaking down and it's painful. I can't stay down for any longer: either i drown down there or i take a slow climb back up above. But truth be told: i do not know what is above. Above is just another alien world to me and i'm scared, afraid and everything that could deter me to move to that place. It's one full of mischief, deceit and other unpleasant experiences. But no doubt that there are things which can make my life better.

But i just lay rotting here. Why? I did travel up to the parts above, on a regular basis maybe, but i do not realise it somehow. And travelling up there takes time and effort. Effort not because it's hard to rise up, but because it's tiring trying to deal with other people when they can provide you with the biggest sense of disappointment. And, with as me, i'm not used to having others as a helping hand. Not in the sense of work, but in ways that are more like friendship/sharing and such.

And i feel this is why i'm having another episode of what i've come to call "bipolar attacks"...because i have nothing else to call them. I'm pondering whether to go to a psychiatrist, but i do fear the consequences. One reason not to go is surprisingly to hide my condition with my family, especially parents. My parents aren't very "advanced" in their thinking of psychology or emotional management. It's just another "bad day" and get over it. Perfectly normal..those are the things that you would get from them. Just imagine traditional chinese perception of some mental illness or anything. And, i do not commune with my parents about alot of things. This is because my life is private, very private. My personal things are not shared with them. I'm very detached in my private life with people, only those whom i feel a sense of comfort and trust are those i let out to. Those a few, and never many, most of the time only one person.

But i am at a loss. I've found my problem - after almost 11 months of ending therapy sessions. It took a relapse in my condition to realise, and most importantly admit to myself that what i really need is someone to be a "pillar of strength" for me. So far in my life, i've been bearing this by myself. When you can't find anyone warm enough, or willing enough to provide this sort of care and assuredness, perhaps this is what you resort to. I rely on myself...it may be good, but when the burn out comes you'll just fall very down. The hardest part is to find a source of strength and will to recover your lost strength. Like a battery that has run out of electricity, i need a source of energy to recharge myself. During this recovery period, everything hits me and gets me down. I start dreaming, of what? Of people...I've always asked myself about my dreams. I dream of people who i think i can trust. But i never actually seek them out often. I'm just myself.

Maybe that's why i have a triad within me. One who cries, the other who thinks and the other who transforms into darkness with anger and disappointment. There's my mind's way of catharsis, and i never saw that transformation take place until now.

But now, it's the time where the tidal wave knocks me down and buries me alive - under the sea agony...