nobody

Do i have a dysfunction in my ability to feel concern? Problems arise in others and i have little problem empathizing with them, but with myself, there is a rivalry between having and not having.

How long has this uncertain crusade been going on? I have no longer have an answer to that question. I do not know when it started and i do not know how it started in the first place. It feels like an infection that just came upon me out of nowhere, and i no longer have any resting peace in my moments of rest. In the most severe times, there are urges to just jump onto the nearest person for just that little amount of attention, but that never lasts long. Any prolonged conversation just reveals the same theme that makes me blunder through an epilogue of silence and misery. What a waste of time and effort going to other people, i just end up getting down and sad again. But the irony of it is that i need to do that, even just for awhile, being with people and talking with them cheers me up a little.

But why doesn't it ever last? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Even here in this blog, i realize that not many people bother to read the words that i type. Revelations of myself come so estranged to others that it seems that i am a being just not meant to mix into this society. And i say that i am merely human, but nobody understands the meaning of human, because we all see each other as below human. We are something else, not human beings, but aliens towards each other. But i feel the worst as even within aliens i am even more an alien. I know some have a reaction towards me that would make others think of me as some despicable eccentric who is just trying to catch some attention. Well be it so, but all i say and let out is the most truthful words that could come out. And i really wonder why i want this type of attention.

I wonder why i always feel so abandoned. I wonder why there are times i just feel so sad. I wonder why i have to be like this. I wonder why i have to be me. I would wish i were someone else, but that wouldn't be fair at all. We all have to live our own lives. You may choose what to become, but there is no choice in who you are.

And i still don't understand why i am i.

When all is lost, i just feel that there's nobody around...