I think i've really lost it now. I can't control my agony anymore. It hurts like a burning fireball inside my chest, like having my heart ripped out and having my will being taken away so dreadfully and suddenly. I'm at a point that i am dealing with a crisis that maybe has been going on for so long. Like something i heard in a movie, all those little things coming together and unsaid create such a big gap that it just makes it impossible to bridge. I think i have an enormous space to reach to pull myself back together.
My results are the tripping point of my existence at the moment. Everything seems to rely on them now. And i am very afraid. I think i am more afraid that i will lose everything that i have ever dreamed of achieving, to the point where i cannot even step into college and say i am a student. I feel like giving up everything i ever wanted to happen and everything that i am. I feel like just giving away everything that i have and leaving to somewhere i don't know. I feel that i cannot even make it a move further.
Yes i know i am a christian and belong to some holy sanctum of a community. but please i don't need your criticism of any sort saying that i've drifted away and lost it. it's hard enough to live as i am and i don't need anymore words that remind me so. i've tried so many times and countless times to step into a church, communion or group that have people of my age/peer which would be accepting of such a wretch as me, but no, the encounters are always of those same monotonous and predictable nature. i cannot take it. i am different, just the way i am, leave me be and stop trying to make me into some piece of art that is your victim of evangelical truth. i do admit that i do not follow nor do i practice much of the orthodox acts that most christians piously abide by, but at least show me that you can give the amount of respect and privacy one needs to grow. a constant supply of air smothers me and leaves me out of breath.
where have i come from and where have i wondered to? now that's seriously got to be the two most wonderfully dreadful questions ever asked. because at the moment i cannot even answer them. i am so blurred and even my recollections and dreams and hopes cannot bring me to a stable conclusion which i can cling onto. i am lost, once again. not lost in a certain area, but utterly lost like i was 4 years ago, when i first started a quest and found an answer. but now i see new avenues and this has brought me even more pressure, decisions and decisions are not easy ones for me. my life changes every step i make and moreover i am pressured by almost every aspect of my family to achieve something. it just makes things worse that i am supposedly bearing the responsibility of carrying my family's "namesake" to go overseas and actually study. it makes it worse that my aunts and uncles and grandparents expect me to transfer overseas anytime soon. it makes things worse that they are just oblivious to the fact that i am going through immense pressure to achieve something in their eyes. it's like i'm the "envoy" sent to explore an outside land which i MUST reach. a failure to do so would seem a crazy idea. it seems so impossible that i am NOT some prefecture of top student who can score A's and do anything academically. it seems impossible that i am of limitations and i am only human. it seems impossible that i am just another person trying to live out my own life, trying to decide for myself.
it seems so impossible that i feel all alone. damn this brings it all back to what i need - a big huge time out. i cannot even think anymore and sleep just seems irrational. everything is being turned upside down and lopsided and whatever, it seems the irrational is now rational and the rational is insane. i can't ever get that feeling of being accepted, i am just weird and in my own being. what do i have to do to ever get others to realize that i am just among those who set foot on this earth claiming to be homosapiens and such has needs and weaknesses. i've never felt so helpless in my life and i've never felt so lonely before. it's as if i have been living my life without any support for the past 21 years and that truth just suddenly caught up to me.
why is it that my friendships just never seem to go the way i want them to? how come i always and always put other people before me and just whine and whine but i never let people know? i realize that i do alot of weird things to get other people's attention and the best part is nobody listens. in this society what does it mean? "Oh it's nothing, he's just whining. we all go through the same thing, leave that idiot alone..." oh hell i can't take it anymore. fine, fine, fine! i'm done for and i'm and idiot. those seem to be all the things that people say to me. and i have lost the will to fight it long ago. i am silent, i remain silent and nobody hears me.
bit by bit i felt the support of other people being stripped away from me. it feels that i had become an independent hub of energy that goes interacting with other people and finally draining myself by giving away pieces of me. i wonder where and how i sustain myself. i used to play games, i still do, and i spend alot of time doing it. but now i seem to have forgotten how to have fun. everything seems like a trash can that if full and i can no longer dump my anxieties and frustrations into them. at least those things that are inanimate. i have people who i do reveal my frustrations to and to them i dump out. but i never seem to be able to get rid of this thing that is bugging me. what is going on??? why....i can't figure it out. where do i go next?
i have that puzzle to sort out. and the best part is i am feeling more and more homeless. i feel the comfort is all inside my head or either just in my bedroom, when i'm alone. i carry a imaginative house in my mind. but in there even i seem to have lost my bedroom where i lay down and rest. it's always thinking about choices and choices and choices.............
even going down and having dinner with my family is overloading. i never seem to have much comfort around my parents. i just feel so...discontent..so...distant...so...messed up around them. it's as if i never ever could satisfy their needs for me. i don't know if i am living for them or even if they mean when they say go on with your choices and we will support you. the fact is i never felt any support from them at all. it was always criticism from them. i never got anything from them except the money and food and place to live. i never felt anything supporting me from home. i only felt a responsibility not to let them down. and now i feel that i have and i feel so guilty. that guilt is spreading like a cancer all over other aspects of my life.i feel like there is guilt everywhere. my results ...failure...a catalyst to the cancer cells, now growing even more rapidly, and i feel i am a diseased man soon to be. why...no...i just cannot let them down...and the guilt spreads further. i need a time off..but how will they ever react to this? i feel like i am letting them down, but i really cannot go on like this. i am drowning in my guilt towards everybody. it's like i am expected to achieve and i am being crushed by this. expectations that i cannot be. and i wish not succumb to this, i wish not to give up. and i have to rise up again....
and the semester has just started it's 3rd unmerciful day...
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