Recently, i've lost the motivation to push forward. It's like i've brought myself into a cycle of constant practices that merely promote my sustenance and not growth. This idle lifestyle is heading towards a peak of miserable resolutions that may yet put me into a state of inevitable mental breakdown and deterioration. In other words, i may have begun the cycle of driving myself crazy while earning a visit to Tanjung Rambutan along the way.
I've come to find i am really stuck. I have been stuck for some time. I have realized it and yet i am unable to commit myself on a track out of this mud-sticky-situation. I am like a plant rooted in the soil wanting to grow legs to move to greener pastures. I feel sickly and on the verge of becoming merely leftovers for the bacteria to digest. The nutrients seemed to have been sucked up and i am staring right at my next door neighbour who has lush green leaves that stretch all the way into the sky.
Like a pond full of murky waters, my mind is clouded and my thoughts are hard pressed to break through this barrier of sanity calamity. All this has broken my legs and bound my hands. I have only my mind to visualize an escape...
The hardest part resides inside a cage with an open door. It has come to this scenario. The door lays open before me, but i have no will left to walk out. Though, a moment lead me to inch further towards that door. An instance overtook my senses when i was suddenly overcome by this imagery of a person who could only see two feet ahead. Imagine a person with such unfortunate short-sightedness. Awkward as it seems, it struck a chord in my mind, awakening a string that i had not used for some time. I had to start tending to myself. And that was and always had been the hardest thing for me to do. Why? I have neither an answer to that, nor have i ever questioned it in a proper manner.
It seems a queer question to ask for healing others. When one has the ability to tend to others, it is always hardest to have it the other way around. To give and receive a gift in a reciprocal manner seems so hard to me. When most of the world is just waiting to grab at gold laid upon their feet, i am mildly enthusiastic for that notion. Instead, a bounty of wisdom and opportunity would be my dream come true. I guess i'm more emotional and abstract, though it still leaves me with the same dilemma.
Perhaps i have always had the cure. But a disbelief wrought by daily shortcomings with roots in life itself have led me on a downward spiral. It is nice to be humble, but too low a self would make pathetic a more suitable description. I no longer wish to see a pity thrown in my face. I might shield it from the outside world, but i see it inside me. My own eyes that watch my own feelings see loud and clear. They tell me a very clear message, but my heart and soul have wandered to a place so secluded only the screams could reach me. Those screams are of a last resort, meaning that there is very little hope left. But hope is still abundance when you only see your death lingering before you - even if it be in minute detail.
It's time to move on...
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