I've never felt so utterly depressed in my life. I know, i know, a few of you guys might know about my "condition" that comes upon me now and then...but this time it really sucks. It sucks even more because i can see the mistakes i've made in the past and because i haven't had the time to properly process them yet, i've had to keep them inside. It's all still locked up in a corner of my mind. But i fail miserably to fully control it from leaking out. And just an ounce of those emotions are like poison to my emotions. They bring such a foul sensation to my sense that i am instantly overloaded - my breath becomes heavy, my heart beats harder, i feel a great weight in my chest and my mind just freezes over with the hardest ever headache i've ever had.
Yesterday, i felt as if the gates of hell were just unleashed and Cerebus has not stopped lashing at me yet. Yet my will is still surprisingly resilient to this pain and the pieces just seem to sow themselves back together as they get torn apart. But that pains me even more as the process repeats itself: faster than ever. I'm falling victim to one of my own arsenals of weapons: compartmentalization. I keep things locked up, but i've forgotten to deal with them. It's like throwing away garbage but with no rubbish collector to bring it to the waste dump. But this garbage isn't rubbish at all. It's alive and living because each piece of it brings with it a memory that i keep inside me. The songs, pictures, words and everything else just connects to that garbage. But i try to keep it away, i try to distance it; so hard that i feel like i have built a barrier of distance inside myself; i feel like i have split into two persons.
And recently i've had this feeling that i've embodied two entities and that they are relentlessly fighting against each other, trying to defeat the other and gain some extra power. Instead, they just tear each other apart, unable to find the source of energy that is actually the merger of them both. It's a pathetic state to be in and i'm beginning to feel signs of hate form inside of me. I've no liking for hate, for it's a powerful entity. It's like another door to release those hidden emotions, except it brings with it a destructive pathway. You might see it like the devil inside of me and some of you might have realized a bipolar reaction or a duality of my existence. Well that's me summed up in one word: bipolar. Each pole represents different things in every situation. I wish i could finish describing them, but the populace of scenarios is just too many and the way i see things, everything can be a new moment to live. Even ten seconds can last a lifetime if you wish it be.
And now i have opened up a large hole inside me. The void has arisen again. This time i cannot resist it's temptation and i'm being drawn in. The void of depression is so strong. It's like the next best escape - compared to being dead. Maybe i could be paralyzed. But no, i cannot, something just drives me on. I just want to cry because i'm being torn apart into two worlds. I seriously need time devoted to release and healing myself. I've not had the time to do so and i now realize why my ghosts have come back to haunt me. It's because they've always been kept inside of me.
The word prozac is always on my mind. For those of you who have read prozac nation, the book about a nation based on the "miracle drug" prozac, which somehow cures depression just like that. It's like a magic pill. Well, i dream of that magic pill inside of me and working its magic. I wish i had such a source of motivation. I wish i had an aptitude to move me on. In fact, i feel so drained i could just fall down on my knees as if my legs were broken. Ironically today i fell down, slipped in the rain, and now i'm feeling the pain in the right side of my body. But that's no excuse...life goes on.
Stop and stare. That song...it's playing in my mind and in my headphones too. I feel that i have to listen to this song to be in tune with myself, or else it's so hard to connect. I tried to cheer myself up by using the reverse technique, by using "feel good" songs to make me lighten up. I tried that for a few weeks already. It just didn't work. Sad.
I feel dead. And the songs of the living don't sing for the dead....
I'm actually counting the moments until this week ends. I'm actually counting the moments until the actors from Grease actually kill me. I'm counting the moments until i fully realize how i have sucked at all the other subjects. In fact, i totally suck this sem. It's been so wasted i don't even know why i'm taking it. I'm lost for words, lost for reason and lost for thought. It's like i'm a passionless entity. I'm so empty, i have no dreams. It's all clouded skies and a little candle that lights the next inch to walk - just to keep me alive.
I want to give up. I am so desperate to get out of all this bull shit. I want to quit. I want out. So badly. But somehow i cannot give up. The cognitive dissonance wrecks at my mind. It makes things so complicated, makes me web around this ruminative behavior. It makes the spiderwebs so thick that i cannot cut through them. I need a bomb. And that bomb is going to blow part of me away with all those spiderwebs. But i seem to want to sacrifice that part of me, so badly, i want to be let loose.
I'm a bird in a cage. Caged now only by my responsibilities, but also my inner darkness which has no immersed itself with the outside world. Time, time is so important. Quality time is priceless. I've had time to work, work and do nothing but work. I badly need a break from my routine. I cannot wait until next week. I want to study. I want to save what's left of me. I want so bad to make the finals end. I want so badly to just disintegrate into thin air. I want to run away. RUN AWAY!
But i cannot. Why?!?! I ask myself that question everyday. Why am i such a person? My never give up attitude is killing me. But how did it come to this? Fine, i can get something done. But i am not an eternal energy source. I cannot move myself with no energy. I need to recharge. I haven't been able to do that. All this while, this whole college life, i've been putting in effort and yet nothing has been good enough to recharge me. Well, perhaps the therapy sessions i've had worked wonders for me. But after that, i realize i need someone there. But even my family cannot provide. What the heck. Man. Damnit. I wanna be Achmed - dead and terrified of myself. Blissfully dead without reason. Blissfully ignorant to the others around me. Just thinking about those bloody 72 virgins. What the hell. I don't even want the virgins. I just wanna be free. Free from this life. Even a temporary disappearance would make me so happy.
Damn, i'm turning crazy already...
Argh. I cannot contemplate leaving everything just like that. I'm frustrated that i've been let to handle a burden too much for me to carry. And yet i took it on. Why? Why can't i just say no. Maybe it's because there's nobody else to carry this shit. Damnit. God help me.
The rose doesn't bleed
The petals do not fall from sickness
The decay does not show
But inside remains nothing
As if a hollow specter...
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