Sigh, so stressed....
I have to admit that this semester is going to be a total waste of money. The subjects that i am taking are freaking heavy, and sad to say i'm not very motivated to study for any of them. Even the subject of Human Motivation, is not very motivating at all. In fact, the lecturer teaching the course seems very demotivating. And, i do not appreciate the attention being given to me in class. It stresses me out and i do not need another stressor for this semester. It's already stressful enough as it is.
Darn, the freaking musical i'm involved in is so messed up. It's so messed up to the point that i'm not worried about the grades that i get anymore. Instead i'm concerned about the legal issues that may arise if things go kapoot. Plus, the actors who have sacrificed their precious time to act and take part in this musical, i don't want to let them down. I hope the drama class manages to pull things together. I wish more of the crew can participate more in the rehearsals. I'm reaching my limit and i'm sacrificing time for my other assignments which are due in around 2 weeks time. Great, there goes my grades again. Fine lar, wadever, i'll just make the best of it.
I think it might have been a mistake to take this semester in the first place. Plus, the unexpected event of having to produce a musical is turning into a regrettable adversity which i undertook. Oh, why does it have to be this semester where i seem to be in the peak of my undertakings. It's madness that i am expected so highly in every single place i'm contributing. I've got immense pressure from the cast of drama, and then there's Chess practice which i have really had no time to concentrate on at all. And the intercollege competition is on April 26th - just 3 weeks away. Damn.... Plus this semester of AF i think i've produced the worse ever article i'm written in my life. Man it's so bad that i feel guilty i ever penned it down. I read it over and over again and feel more and more like a piece of shit. I just hope i tried good enough to correct it. Plus, i think i've encountered the most pervasive writer in the history of AF. I've asked the other editors about it, and she's given them the same problem as well.
I feel like quitting so much, just to let it all go. There's been so many things, so many mess ups, but i can't walk away. I think i'll just die from the guilt. Even though i've been left with a mess, i have to try my best to correct it. Darn...i'm so tired of getting into these failures and big mess ups. First one was with the bloody research paper i wrote. I don't know what the hell happened, and i don't wish to recollect it either, but that was a bloody upset. Due to many factors, but it lead me to be disappointed in the whole negligence of people in general. It's disturbing when one holds so much responsibility, yet is ignorant enough to accept the fact that he/she holds the fate of others in their hands. i can't live with myself if i were such a person, i don't want to disappoint anyone, especially this semester, after so long i've been in college, i want to at least do some good. but this sem i think i am already disappointing people, and it sucks and hurts. it would be so easy to just give up, but i know that's irresponsible. i just hope what i'm doing can make up for the shit happening.
tired, tired, tired...i refuse to be a one man do-it-all again. i can learn and do everything, but i know i'll just burn out and not be able to carry on. i'm tired of wanting to take responsibility when others are not up to it. i just wish for once i had a team where everyone corporated 100% and not half giving 110% and the other half slacking off the whole time. it seriously sucks. for once i want a team which is dedicated to carrying out the responsibilities they chose to undertake.
Probably it's the education system. people are more or less forced to study rather than given the choice to harness on their own potential. maybe that's why people slack off and do not develop the sense of duty. but then you just can't seem to wonder why. because it's so easy to put the blame on others. trying to keep your goal in focus can be such a burden, especially when you know everything else is falling apart.
urgh, i just try my best, but perhaps it's not enough. and sometimes i push myself too far to the point of nearly killing myself. but when things just don't fall apart, and when i see it happening, i just want to give 200% to make things come together. i don't want to disappoint others. sigh...
what a helpless cycle i'm in.
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