it's one thing to enjoy
and then another to regret
but when it comes to mixing both
it's a pandemonium beset
Last semester was a wreck. But that's just in general. Though there were some outcomes of the period that made my life somewhat better.
In my studies, i practically screwed up until the last ever and the sort that one can't ever go lower again. I've never had such a bad result before. It probably wasn't entirely my fault but it's such a burden to know that i have to live with that stain on my transcript. Urgh, i have something that tells me it's more than a feeling that i'll have to explain and work hard to get back those results after i've transfered out.
On another aspect, perhaps you can say a livelihood kind of thing, i feel a bit better compared to the wreck that i was last semester. I think it started way longer than i can ever admit. What is it? The most probable explanation is that i've been living in "mild depression" for over a period of 6 years already. But in psychological jargon you can say that the last 3 semesters i suffered from MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). That sucks big time. I do not know whether it is the acceptance that i'm in that state or the realization that i was having a "life" functioning as a depressive. It's like those functioning alcoholics, except that i was kind of a functioning depressive. WTH.
Most people would start staring and going "oh, what a whiner" when they hear that someone is depressed. But what the hell. It's sometimes more than a person can control. And guess what...you're not really helping when you start accusing that person of being a useless wreck.
But however, there's now a part of my life that's been lifted of the "dark clouds". I think i'm coming to a sort of realization of my personal function. How i shift to moods and how i shift back. And why i get so weird as the year progresses. It's all part of a cycle. And reading a book that tells about some people's lives has provided me with an observation about myself. It's astounding how things, once put into pace, are so hard to change. I've found a pattern from my childhood and how it's somehow evolved into my adolescent, and now, early adult years (yes, i'm that old already). And this blog has been a journal for that journey.
Perhaps this new found knowledge will help me bring some change to "lighten up" parts of me that i find so heavy to carry around.
Miracles do happen. And disasters too. But when i see both of them as just event, i start to feel as if nothing had happened.
But if i don't feel, that becomes a problem. It becomes something useless and dead. Another weight, dead beat.
To view a full list of my links, please click below.