loss...

I don't think i've ever talked about this to anyone before, but...i think it's been bugging me for a very...very long time..i think...2 years to be exact. It's about..someone..a girl..whom i met on the internet. No, i didn't get into any romantic affair with this girl, but she was a dear friend and perhaps this is one of the most hearbreaking stories i could ever tell...

I think i was around sixteen. Yeah, i'm quite sure of it and i just got introduced to friendster by my friends. I guess i was just following the trend back then, but it did lead to some very interesting advents in my life online. Perhaps the one of the best things that ever happened to me through friendster was meeting this girl, Nicky. It's gonna sound so cliche, but i actually thought she was a guy...and she initially thought that i was a girl. Yes, taste the irony...

I added her because she had this picture of RO (Ragnarok Online) posted as her profile picture. I was into the game at the time and i guess i was looking for people to chat with as well. Sooner after i added her on msn and we started having these chats about...almost everything. I guess it was a start of a new friendship. You know, it was one of those things that i can say "made me want to stay online". Back then, "online" wasn't a very convenient thing because we were still in the dial-up era. But i really enjoyed having conversations with her.

But then slowly, i guess we slowly grew apart. But the last straw was when one day, i think she blocked me. I THINK. I can't ever be sure. But i think i can be pretty sure of the reason. I just broke up from a relationship and *wham* i was literally in pieces. So...yeah, being the attention seeking person i was (maybe still am) i was bugging her. I think she just got ticked off and decided to be over with me.

That....was i think the most terrible and horrific thing that ever happened to me. You know, when the consequences of your behavior just hit you slap-bang-in-your-face style. Okay, maybe for other thickheaded people it's nothing, but for me it was a very big deal. And it still is.

I just can't stop looking back at that moment when it happened. It was like, a wake up call that there's just something wrong with me - something that made people just want to push me away. Hmm..ring ring goes a song in my head. I can tell you that i plummeted down into some hole in the far corner of my soul and never came out for a good few months. I had just lost some last glimmer of hope...and i really didn't know where else to look for some helping hand. Those were....the start of some very dark days of my life. I admit that i'm still struggling from the aftershock. I haven't gotten over this...mistake that i've done.

I really feel so sorry. It's a wonder that i've always been scared to be a burden to other people. And so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that materialized in that form. Her email are still on my msn and friendster, but i've never spoken to her since. I don't know what happened to her.

In the beginning, i was afraid of the worst. I'll not mention that paranoid thought. I guess it was just a denial of the obvious fact that she just blocked me. When i realized it, i couldn't face myself for a very long time. I felt like a total failure and somehow i still feel it inside me. It's resonating like the impulses that my brain sends down my veins. Now, i still think about her. Especially in those times that sudden flashes of my past come into my thoughts. That vein of hatred of myself still pulses, even though it seems just a shredded leaf. Those pieces are like razors that bite across my skin...

I guess you can say that she was one of those friends that i really could relate to. And to lose such a friend...i really had messed up. It's like losing a connection to some foundation which you thrive on. I think the amount of anguish i felt due to my break up had doubled because this incident happened.

If there would be a chance to ever meet her or speak to her again. I think i'd just want to say that i'm sorry for what i did. I really hope that she's doing well right now.