so wrong

When there's a cloudy sky, the counselor's room is always nearby. But the first time i entered the room, i was quite lost. Lost like a bee finding himself inside his own nest, not knowing what to do. The next thing that happened was intriguing. I had not known myself like i did before. There was too many unknowns.

But i realize the time i went to see someone. It wasn't for a medicine. It was for some way to commit a ritual suicide. This suicide, i needed, to take away some part of me that was a huge burden. It had grown too vast that i couldn't grasp it anymore. It was a conflict that somehow grew with my excessive curiosity. Somehow i despised it. I no longer knew myself, because i had been torn apart. The ends of my world were deluded in mystery.

I saw one part of me like a huge and endless journey in search; but the other end a huge and endless bubble of the dark. I wonder when i started to split. It somehow happened, this realization, very suddenly. I felt crushed, i felt torn, i just became a being in constant conflict with myself.

I know many who seem to be in conflict with everyone else. Somehow i wonder why i didn't end up like them. Maybe i wish to. People who hate the world, just accept it. But when i hate myself, part of me hits back.

i watch
perhaps that's what i'll ever do
i never did reach you