Knock at my door
Why does all this happen?
All i see around me is devastation. Everything smells like dirt and tastes like death. Life has turned on me and betrayed my loyalty towards it. It tore my heart to find out how my whole past has been one big dissapointment. My head is just cracking at the enormity of the statement. My sanity runs on trepidatious grounds as i struggle on to follow my hope. Even then, my hope dangles on a string of spider silk, so soft that even the wind could break its bond.
With all this dissapointment, why then do i even exist? Was i created just to bear the greatest of all pains, the longest of all torments, the horrendous concoctions of sadness?!?! I cry out for someone to come and bear me from this horrifying experience. Even death seems so bright now. The life of me has been sapped from me and replaced by the cold, icy depths of sorrow. This feeling so empty, threatens to rid me of mere existence. Should i be cheerful for this fact? Or should i be in fear, afraid of being taken away by this deadly force? The conflict of life and death, such irony and such doom.
How could my psyche take such torment and not be crushed by the horror of the damnation? Am i the reincarnate of the devil, that only such anguish and pain can cage? What have i done to deserve this state of utter grief? I would drive myself to extinction, if only i were able to. For my strength has been taken from me, to be buried far away, so i may not harm myself. My only hope for survival is that small vial of faith, of hope, that dangles on that spider-silk rope.
My body, is it mine at all? Sometimes i feel so disconnected from reality, that i can't stop to stare at my own hands, at my own feet, and ask:"Is this me?" My mind springs to proportions only a madman could imagine and my body seems like a cage for the freedom that i seek. The freedom from this torment that pins me down from having any connection to cheer at all. I form the deepest of hatred towards the horrid reality, for it is all that i can see. My eyes are so blurred that i cannot see what is happy and only things that are depressed are revealed to me. What is this blindness? My sight so blind, my grief so unheard of, who could understand?
I walk with my head held low, my name need not be known. For it holds such grief that no one seemed to care enough for it. No one could provide me with enough warmth. No one could ever bare to take me in. Where has the hope gone to? Where have all the merrymakers of the past gone? Where is the motherly love, the warm handshake, the friendly gesture? Where have they all gone? I can find nothing, nothing!
I need my share, i too am human. If i am anything but human, then persecute me, bind me to death, bring me down, cut at my limbs, smash me to pieces, damn me with foul words and may i look upon my death all so willingly! I have no hatred, it seems so senseless. I only wanted care. Where did my joy go? All i ever wanted, was all i ever needed. But, it never came. There was no welcome for me when i came. There wasn't a good morning that passed me by. I am the epitome of sadness, all that is dark and grieved abides within me, and i have not seen the day of only cheer. I have yet to be blessed with a day of pure enjoyment.
I don't wish for the best things. I don't need them. All i ever needed, was someone to truly be there. Where have you been, when i was a baby? Where have you been, when i was a child? Where have you been, when i started school? Where have you been, when i graduated from high school?
Where are you now?
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