A life-long predicament
Sometimes, i really doubt that i can go on anymore. I'm being squashed by all that i have to do, and also all these emotions that run through my head like a roller coaster. Seriously, i have doubt that i will be able to take the next few years of life without having several nervous breakdowns. If it's not the surrounding elements that cause me to suffocate, it'll be the severe pesimistic conotations that play in my mind on a daily basis. Sooner or later, i'm just going to not be able to do anything at all. For now, it's just the moods that get to be. These damned mood swings just get to me so harshly that i can swing to lalaland for one moment and then the next i've crashed down to hell again. My inner peace is running low on rebuilding time and i cannot withstand this sort of tension for much longer. It's reached a critical point where every little detail could cause me to swirve into into a volcano of emotions. Then, every single time i try to stop the thoughts from flowing, i get a headache.
At the moment i'm really falling ill, not in the sense of physical illness, but instead on a more mental side. If fatigue could be transpired into any mental terms, it would describe exactly what i'm going through at the moment. However, though it may be mental in nature, there are plenty of signs that seem to say that my disturbed mental state has affected my physical health as well. The anxiety that is emanating from within me, caused by the many nights of extremely lucid and graphic dreams that i've been having, isn't helping either.
Plus, of all times, it has to happen now. *Sigh*. For all of the times that i would love to allocate myself to go into a seriously depressive state, not one of them appeared to have been on the mark. Instead, it's always on the eve of exams or really big exams like SPM, STPM and my final exams that it has to begin. This really is ridiculous. Every single day i wake up, i need to push myself to even get out of bed. The fact that i'm always suffocating doesn't help either. My oxygen intake gets so low that i have to pause to just take a breath. Every step that i take in any given direction, i get a flashback of every dissapointment in life crashing down on me. I have to take this every single second, every single breath that i struggle with. If you thought that you had already pushed yourself to the point of mental discipline, perhaps you might want to try living in my shoes. Everywhere you go, every step you take, everything you see is only one thing: negativity. It'll just seem that you're the only fucked up person in the world and everyone else is normal, living happily ever after. But that's not the case, is it? Everyone else has their own bad times as well. When you find that out, you start to realise that you're life is even more fucked up and that you are just too much out of bounds to be called normal. You're just filled with problems, problems, problems and nothing else.
Why did this have to befall me? I have no idea. Trust me, i ask myself that question every single day. It has come to the point where i just have ignored asking why anymore and to start putting everything in me to get out of this situation. But it's just like a long, slow trudge towards an infinion of dissapointments. In the end, i know that there is hope. I know that there are people who care. Perhaps, there will be people who will be able to understand me. Though, i just realise that i'll have to go through this hell for each moment there is to come. People say, with each million dissapointments, there will be one happy moment to wash them all away. Though, for me it's all the other way around. That happy moment is lost in a sea of dissapointment. It's so far that sometimes i can't even find my way back to it. When will this end? I don't know, i'm just too tired to care about that problem anymore. Now, i gain delight from being able to help those in need and to spread the awareness of how people can make life for others a much better experience.
Nobody deserves to go through a lifetime of sorrow. It happens, it sucks. It's your choice, to help or not.
Decide now, decide well.
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