Breached
Stumbling upon the utter grief and disability to control a sense of self-dissapointment, i found something that links me to a nature or the sadists and necrophilics in society. It's an emotion of disbelief that after all things have been laid out in an organized chaos and all that's left to do is carry out the plans, there is something that takes time and perseverence to accomplish. When battling an inner struggle with forces that threaten to tear you apart, an important note that one should always keep in mind is: you are fighting with yourself. While in a duel where both parties cannot be sacrificed, one must reach a common place or a common goal for the best possible outcome. However, before two parts are one; two parts are opposing; two parts will destroy you; from within and terribly fast, but only when you're not looking.
It's just like dealing with a extremely erratic mental dysfunction. The upkeep cost is an extreme stress upon my mental stamina that there are times when i wonder if i'll ever be able to let my guard down. For a moment, i may be sober enough to speak in proper terms, but in another i may become speechless. This is not because i don't know what to say, but because i have no idea of where to start. I find so many consequences and thoughts rushing through my mind in flashes that would replay my whole life in my mind with merely the use of several seconds. With ample doses of despair mixed with cheer, it is an overwhelming rush of emotion, thought and perception. But i can't stop it, and when it draws me inside i find a demon waiting to lash out for all those things that i never had, and all those people that caused me even a little bit of irrational hurt. I can't let my guard down as long as i do not tame that demon and come to peace with my anxiety, it would just destroy me to see myself stained with the guilt of hurting another person.
I'm hopeful that this is not an onset of some serious disorder such as schizophrenia because i'm starting to lose my mind. Each and everytime something doesn't go my way, wait...Let's set the record straight. It's not just anything, it's always been that one thing and that one thing only: heartbreak. I believe to most people, i seem too cold and distant to even experience an emotion like this. But still, it is an experience that has left deep scars inside me. I see my body now as several parts of one: mind, heart and senses. My heart is left with wounds that i feel might never heal. Or, it is just that i have found that place that i would devote to one special person and it is now left empty. My senses are always searching for something special. Yes, unique personalities excite me, but i've found that personalities that truly allure me are rare. Though, i know in my mind that i have a great anxiety that will rush out with the onset of special individuals - especially those whom i care about. But surely, this is the ultimate goal that i've always wanted to deal with. Now, i'm certain that it is the root of my demons.
There shall always be a raging battlefield of emotions and thoughts for me to sort out, but that i have learned to deal with. Through sessions with a clinician, i have learn even more ways to deal with issues using mental tools that i have spent most of my life to develop. It's a wonder how a person may use the mind to overcome and control the physical state. But, my senses have been left out of check. I've been focusing too much on my mental state and leaving my emotions guarded and still rushing through like wildfire. I learn, day by day, to release myself and merge mental and emotional quantities together to form a unified state of consciousness. However, those emotions that are left in the dark are rising and the test of my perseverence will ultimately come to seek me. This far i have made my stand and survive, and i shall try to go as far as i can - never to give up.
i do not want to let down people who i know. You should know who you are...
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