For once...
Today, i'm in really bad shape. i find myself to have the tendency to become extremely depressed when i feel ignored, but i never tell people that i feel this way so it just ends up with me having to feel like an outcast. It turns me inside out as i try to correct my own twisted perception and the anxiety that drives the feeling.
In my mind was a mess that was making the minutes pass by very, very slowly and painfully. Well, when a person cannot take it anymore, he normally breaks into tears. But i just couldn't. i've never known the reason why, but i can't cry. It just seemed as if something was blocking the pathway that would let my tears flow. The few times that i felt like really giving up all hope, i really had to force the tears out. Sometimes, i wish i was like every other hopelessly sad puppy, who could just cry at any moment. It hurts me even more when it just doesn't come naturally for me.
Though i admit, this feeling of entirely going low on the emotional pitcher started a few weeks ago. I just suddenly felt something "switch" towards a more darker tone and instantly knew it was again the time to face the waves of enduring cacaphony. The fact that it has lasted this long is not a surprise for me, but it is a risky state. I just fear that i'll just not be able to make myself start of the day anymore, and i'll just stay stuck in my bed with no motivation and no hope. The problem is always making the start, and it's the hardest of all. I'm glad i haven't skipped any classes this semester.
I'm starting to wonder if i've been suffering from another less chronic type of depression. But those are fears that i do not wish to confirm. For now, i do not wish to seek psychiatric evaluation until i feel i really cannot handle matters on my own. Its enough to take the toll of having to manage things on my own, but having to take the additional shock from my family when they find out, might be unbearable for me - it might make things worse. Thus, it makes me determined to search deeper inside me for answers as to why i have these notions of despair.
It has always been the case of me speaking to myself. It has always been a place for comfort and solace. But recently i started to confront with something else, and that has brought up many matters that i consider very important convictions. i still am very passionate about walking the path that i have chosen. i don't wish to give it up. i hang by it like a lifeline. i have not much desires for cool gadjets or very nice accessories, but i wish to fulfill a silent call inside of me. i find, that i must settle the darkest of my thoughts and come to terms with them. To find my answers, i must deep deeper into the dark. i really do not know why many people are frightened about exploring the more morbid side of things, but i find it very exciting. From this exploration, i am able to find a complete picture of myself. i realised long ago, that humans are never only good or bad, they are a mix of both. If only people were to draw a picture of themselves when they were good, and another one when they were bad. Then, join them together into one. It would be strange, but it would also be the most truthful picture you would ever get of yourself. I have come to find my goals in life because of using this method.
I know many people that have experienced the similar emotions that i go through. In fact, i believe that everyone goes through the slumps every now and then. The important thing is, whether they manage to cope with it or not. Some people, people that i know, just tend to give up. They say stuff like "i've got nothing else to lose" or "why, why...why?!?!?!". But all they do is complain and rant. People around them grow impatient and irritated with their constant ragging and complaints. For a person that has gone through their experience, i feel that i'll give them the attention that they want and always be open for them to rant and complain. The best way has always been to give them some comfort, to show them that there actually is some hope left and people who care. Though, i fear that i may have come to a point where people just come to me for advice but it does not go the other way around. I don't blame them, but it still hurts when people don't listen.
Truth be not hidden, what i want is to be in relationships provides comfort that goes both ways, in both friendship and relationship. If only they would try to listen...
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