If i never get to tell you
The other day, there was a talk on PTSD by Gerry in the PSG meeting - the last meeting for the semester. Gerry gave an extensive speech about the effects and causes of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is caused by physiological factors, mainly the chemical of adrenelin. But i wonder if it can be caused by the levels of dophamine as well...
On occasions more than one, i enter into a state of mind that brings me back to my memories of past relationships, whether girl-boy relationships or just with my family and relatives. These relationships have changed the most during the past few years of my life. My relationship with my family had a permanent effect on me, in that it made me very distant towards my parents. Truth be told, i sometimes feel i am still sticking to them just to fund my education. Although there is still a sense of respect for them, but their past reactions and attitudes towards me have just made me unable to see parents as really loving and caring. I have grown closer to my cousins, probably because i am more outspoken and sociable compared to a few years back. In girl-boy relationships, or boy-girl relationships...whatever, i think i've come to a stage where i'm just afraid to get too close.
I do admit that my emotions have not benefited me in many occasions of the past, due to the emotional highs i sometimes get, i am overwhelmed and i cease to think anything within rational terms. Worst still, i relive every depressed moment that i have experienced after break-ups. This happens each time my feelings for some girl start to "spring". As if the four seasons pass by, i enter "summer" and i start feeling happy for awhile, and then i go into "autumn" when i start to think of the past again, thus pulling me back from actually taking steps towards getting to know the person better. Many times, i just fail to rationalize my actions and i end up either making rash actions and everything just blows-up in my face. Then, i enter into "winter", a cold and icy withdrawal where i just stick to myself and freeze in the aftermath of my mistakes.
I notice that i cannot stand the fact that i might end up living alone for the rest of my life. It would be dreadful. i want to live for someone else because i cannot stand to live alone. The way out of this dilemma would be to get into a relationship, but it's always easier said than done. I often envy those people that can just get into relationships so fast, but i wonder if they ever get tired or burnt out of just jumping from relationship into relationship in such short notice. i just wish i could find someone who would just accept me as i am, for i am afraid that i might be such a person, which nobody would even consider. I show lack of confidence in this area, and to a large extent it holds me back from stepping forward to approach those that i am attracted to. Sometimes it just backfires on me. When things swell up inside me, i tend to overreact and i spill over myself and fall down. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me.
"I wish that i could find you
where you hide your smile
and perhaps you'd allow me
to wipe your tears of sorrow
but i want to tell you
just remember to smile
even just for awhile
as it is ever so sweet
i find sanctuary in it
that i could never believe
and now i feel, more and more
i could not have passed each day
without the delightful sight of you"
i just wish it could be easier than just writing poems. i wish you would just find me, and i'd tell you how i feel. i'm afraid that i'll get hurt again, but i do wish so much to start anew.
how has it come to this? =(
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