My dream
As a baby, you crawl on your four "legs" and always look for the attention of your care-giver. It's an inborn instinct that you can't go against - looking for the person that pays you attention and provides you with love. No matter your age, this reality lives on and influences much of our decisions in life.
While i was just a child, i moved from malaysia to UK and then to Ireland and then back to malaysia again. I've been like a nomad throughout my childhood, and right now the rhythm is still running inside me - it's hard to shake it off. My mind is always on the move, never stopping for anything and always on the lookout for new things to do. Although i have this mobile tendency, i still have a part of me that wants to just settle down, basically to find a place where i belong.
I'm not going to say "somewhere inside, deep beneath and hidden from sight" because it would be too cliche and utterly wrong. Instead, i'll say that everyone has a part that is fuzzy-wuzzy and wants to receive comfort. I think, perhaps the "male ego" that most guys around my age posses is something of a barrier that makes it kind of weird or impossible that i have some sort of soft spot. Maybe it could also be caused by the fact that i'm so much an aloof individual and mostly keep to myself. Or, is it because i'm just not trusting of others? I admit, the fact that i've never had a long term friendship before has caused me to be somewhat inept to have a proper social conduct. I hope that i didn't offend anyone with my demeanor, i know i can sometimes get very cold.
Though, i've always felt that i've got an empty space inside me, right within the emotional regions of my heart. I've always kept that place very much to myself because it can be said to be the source of all the warmth that i feel. I don't really provide warmth to others easily, it's normally caused by a reciprocative process. But, i do acknowledge that sometimes people need that extra encouragement to get back on their feet, so i try to provide as i can. But, that's still fairly rare, and i'd say that i give it to only persons that i think are worth it. Even a simple message or note of concern does not come easily from me. That's how close i keep to myself.
I dream or imagine a time where i could spend with somebody that i love, just sitting in a park or any place that is comfortable, as we could share our thoughts and just stare endlessly into the night sky. As we scry the starlit sky for the full moon, a walk in silent and serene night would serve such a calming yet ironically warm atmosphere in a cold night air. In the dark, with only starlight and perhaps the occasional lamplight to serve as lighting, i'd imagine the two of us walking back to a house on the top of the hill, overseeing the valley that is filled with bushes, which serve as homes to the fireflies. Then, slip into slumber as the fireflies danced goodnight.
That's my dream for the future. Maybe it's coming true already =p
Until that day arrives. I'm hoping against all hope =)
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