sentenced Fate
Was i a crime of fate?
In a hollow shell, as if there were nothing inside, i live on the mere void that would relish on anything that comes forward. But when all is gone, or rather when all is lost, it becomes so empty. A peer inside would reveal just that - nothing. It's all shades of grey with no colours to lighten the moody tone. Or were there any colours of my own in the first place? It seems i paint myself with the colours of other people, as i mimic them and compare myself to such an life of wonders. Without anyone else around, there are no colours to draw upon and it's only the black void and white light that mixes together, forming the shades of grey that so determine my fate. A trick so old that even a child would notice, the grey formation hold no pull towards cheer. On the contrary, it brings a sight of boredom, lonely and isolated hue.
Was it on that fateful that, where somehow the scorpion struck and with its poison destroyed my capacity for self-delight? I dearly long to feel a sense of not only satisfaction, but also everlasting delight that so abundantly expounds from all others around me. It feels so to be me, and i succumb to the tears that pour out from deep down inside of me. My heart is beating slower and slower, threatening to stop but always kicking back just in time before death would grasp hold. And sadly, the only other person, if death would be a person, who does stick around is death himself. With his grim satisfactions and evil grin, he taunts be as i inch slowly towards an impending doom. But i fear more towards what i should feel before i die. For death would be a namely escape from a solitary torture, and all the rest before death would be this utter loneliness that i am beginning to take for granted; oh and of course, my endearing tears - how could i forget.
In such a manner i speak of myself, because in such a manner i am seen by others. Maybe it is my fault, that i could not fit in. Perhaps it was always something wrong with me, and because of this i am trash within society - somebody who would never be of any use. Or am i really that crime of fate, who wished a better outcome for the people of the world, and as a price i so innocently inherited, i was damned from the moment i was born. If it was a question of why, i would never have the answer - even seeking it burdens me greater. But the greatest burden of all, i not being able to be recognized; not being able to be seen - i am, was, and probably always will be that phantom in their minds. So silently i perform my routine, and so determined i am to be truly seen, but yet so much i am dissapointed by my failure. I just a nobody. Why...?
I tried to give in, but it seems my sentence has yet to end. I tried not to give in, and yet the punishment that i am given entails even a loss of hope. Perhaps not an entire loss, but i am merely given enough to survive, and from there i should work my way on with life - by being lifeless. A though i strive to stay indifferent and emotionless, i only remain devoid of what i do not have. I have been damned by the ignorance of fate, that i should exist to pay for her crime. And when even fate dismisses me, i am left totally alone - to weep and weep and feebly crumble and pass away. But my death is a good many years away, and probably even decades would pass before the time came to be. And so please forgive me while i carry on with my anguish, for when i cry and the tears roll down my cheeks, i notice that i could learn to hate. But then even more i feel hurt, and even more i would cry, for i fear the hatred would just kill me - i would be left with nothing more to live for...
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