A D O L E S C E N C E
In everyone, there is a vocation, a reason that they find worth living for. Some spend their lives in search for it, but still never manage to; some find it at their last breath, not knowing whether it was just a bit too late; some just don't bother, and it suddenly falls upon them. I think, i could easily fall within the last category. I don't know what suddenly overcame me, or how it happened. What i do know, is that i found myself suddenly enlightened by such assurance and shocked by the manner of conviction that it gave me, but since that moment i've set my goals that will bind me till my every last breath.
But, again and again, there seems to be doubt that arises, and also pitfalls in more than a few places. Wherever i step, there seems to be something lurking in the shadows just waiting to pounce at me. These things cause me great distress, and i admit that i've fallen quite a few times already. But why do i still chase after my dreams? Where am i getting all this hope? Why, when events around me would just seem to be in such pragmatic situations, i still want to go on? And not just a little bit, but each time, more and more.
I think, if heaven was a place on earth, then there must be a part of life where you're just going through hell on earth. I think it's now, and to end it all there will be some sort of doomsday. Either it'll be the end of the world, or it'll just be my dying on some deserted island. It doesn't matter anyway, wherever i die, i'll rest without peace at heart - someone is bound to get hurt, even though i never intended for it.
I guess the best solution to end all of this misery that is caused by unpreditable circumstances, is to live a life of isolation. But if there's one lesson i've learned, it's that i would go mad. I may be able to live a lonely life, but isolation would bring my wits to a waste, and as i told a friend before, i'd be afraid of my brain rotting away from uselessness.
If you want to call me a brainiac because i'm afraid of my brain rotting away, that's fine by me. I've had countless nicknames in the past, and i'm expecting no less to come my way in the near and far future - be they nice or horrid, it's your own perogative. Just don't get on my nerves, and perhaps you'll live to have tomorrow as still remaining as a friend.
I know i'm being very cynical right now. If you saw my previous post, you'll know that i got really pissed at something earlier on. What it is that i was pissed at, i'll not disclose here. Right now, i'm reccuperating from my insanity complex, something i term as a near-insanity encounter because i don't wish to vent my anger to anyone. I'd share the issue, but not when i'm intensely aggrovated. When i'm in a bad mood, i'd prefer if i wasn't in contact with anyone. It's to make sure nobody get infected by that moodiness. Also, i've witnessed and heart too many rants from others that somebody kind of blew up towards them because their in a bad mood - i don't want to be one of those people. So please respect my decision for being strictly on a minimal-conversation-contact mode. It's to make sure there isn't any collateral damage to anyone.
Back on track, there's just something that bugs me everyday. I can't get rid of it. No, i'm not schizophrenic, although the thought of being one is weirdly interesting to me, but unfortunately i'm not. So you can keep your insanity comments to yourself. Because my mind is almost always on a race to who-knows-where, just like those rally cars that could one day break the speed of sound, more or less one-quarter of my concentration is committed to repeating my entire life's lessons over and over again. No, it's not a movie track and unfortunately i don't live a holiwood dream, it's what people normally don't even bother thinking about, but i do. Somehow, my subconscious had become part of my consciousness, and it bugs me that many people never learn from their past mistakes.
Just yesterday, i saw a malaysian made SLK. Yeah, and i found out why some people who drive SLKs are seriously born for those cars. Why? Because they are stupid. Let me spell it out for you s-t-u-p-i-d, because they share the same intellect with their Stupid Little Kancils. It was raining and i had my passenger seat door open, holding an umbrella while i placed my bag inside the car. I heard the revving sound of a car engine coming up behind me. I closed the door just in time to let the Stupid Little Kancil whizz by. If i hadn't closed the door in time, my car's door would have flown off my car and the SLK would have probably sustained engine damage equal to whatever brain damage the driver was born with.
A few hours ago, i just came back from Clutch Gamers. For those who don't know, it's a cyber cafe in SS 2. I played two games of dota, where my teammates sucked like hell. My team lost both games, even though we were owning in the beginning, but it seemed it was just the intel hero advantage at early stages of the game. The enemy team wasn't that good either, just because of one or two of my noobish teammates, who were supposed to be late game heroes, bought items that caused them to suck-like-hell. Imagine a razor with 5 item slots filled and only 89+10 damage. WTF? +10 damage at level 19? What the hell was he thinking? At least he didn't feed - in the beginning. Conclusion: NOOB.
Heck, now i don't have any mood to do any assignments. I have a few assignments, plus a freaking screwed up mood, which would equal to me coming up with crappy work - i'd rather do nothing at all. And, microeconomics sucks. If only HELP had better lecturers for that subject. However they change, it is still dead boring. I can think of a place where nobody goes to, and it would be still more interesting than a class of microeconomics with full attendance - the cemetary. I'm starting to wonder how lecturers can make classes so boring. If you're so passionate about your subject, share it! Don't keep it to yourself, because seriously, however much you might talk about your passion and love for your field of work, students will still stare blankly at you while thinking: "We're not feeling it here!"
I think, i'm not the only adolescent thinking how life can be so screwed up. I saw a MV once, it had a quote phrase that went something like this: "When children find out how screwed up parents are, they become adolescents; when they forgive their parents, they become adults; and when they forgive themselves, they become wise."
I think, there are two big tasks for me to work out here. One of them would be to keep going and not give up on this thing called life. The other one would be to find out how i could ever forgive myself - for putting myself through this hell on earth... l o l..
Not funny.
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