A moment to think
I'm mystified by the ways that attraction can come so suddenly. Although in the beginning it didn't make sense at all, but slowly i start to see what made that magic come around. I don't know how to describe each time it happens, but what i do know is that there's always something new to hope for. Perhaps it's a renewed hope or a renewed faith in something, but the moment it strikes me, there's a tingling feeling that runs down my spine and surges from my beating heart, and then flowing right through my veins! No matter how i try to write it down or describe it using ever-so-many ways with the word, there's just no way that i could. There's always this part missing from that chain of words, something that you can't show with words - it has to be felt.
Though, all this wouldn't come true if there was not somebody that i could actually express my affections to. But i'm so regretting the timing of things at this moment. I'm not a person that really believes in destiny, maybe because of how i live out my life. But i can't help but just sadly watch that person from afar. I'm a little afraid of getting too close to anyone, because i would have to ponder a commitment that would require a long-distance relationship - and i'm not too sure i might be able to keep one running =(. It would definitely take a huge toll on me, and i'm afraid because of that i would be draining the relationship. Then there's the thought of just getting together for the time being. That's a total killer. I think i would be devastated if either one of us left for overseas. On the moment that she leaves, i think i'd just go into a very gloomy mood for a few weeks. I seriously do not know if i have the will to carry on with a relationship that is sort of...hanging on a thin thread. I don't think i'll ever know until it does happen to me.
If it doesn't i think i'll be both happy and sad. Okay, mostly sad...no i'll be left with a crumbled heart again. Sigh...these are the moments when i just tell myself "what the hell" and try to get on with life while contemplating staying single my whole life. It just wouldn't work for me. I need someone to be life my other half. Even though i might not have many friends, and i don't have the need to be too close with anyone (though it would be nice (= ), the matter of having someone to spend the years with is somewhat a must. I already feel half empty or half dead, as if some part of me only comes alive when i've with someone else. It just can't seem to be filled up by anyone or anything else.
Whatever my choice is, it'll be another round of long, long perseverence. I don't know how long i can wait, and i don't know how long i can keep my patience for the time when i finally find my own personal love story to come true. I just hope and wait one day, it will!
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