People have always said to weigh the good versus the bad things that have happened to you and see which one weighs heavier. But i don't even dare to look at those figures anymore because all i can see is something bad than good.
Let's see. What have I done right and wrong...no..what have i done throughout my life that i feel is significant?
I think, well, i don't know when i actually started "life" because "life" seems like a concept that is very vague at the moment. I'm stuck on two halves: one saying that life means from the moment you were born, while the other says that life is the point where you actually realize you're alive. Well which one is it? Don't know. I think i'll just start wherever i can remember...
I think i once had a dream, when i was a child that i lived under a rainbow. No, i was sleeping and lying on a cot or mat. And there was this rainbow over me. It seemed that was the first dream i ever had and i think i had it when i was 3-years-old. It was beautiful. And then i went to kindergarten, and then primary school. Oh, that's when hell started to freeze over. I went to the typical chinese primary school. The type that makes you grind homework into your brain. It was as if half a year of torture had started. I think i cried the first day of primary school. But i can't remember it clearly. I think i just remember how my parents treated me in those years. It wasn't a pleasant experience. My dad was into traditional teaching, plus he was in the army. So you can imagine a cane and results based parenting. And too bad for me my dad was strict on results. 65% was considered okay and 90% would be good. I got the idea drilled into me that 100% in every subject would be considered excellent. But i just wasn't up to that standard. Though i did wonder why for some weird reason i got 99% for one test before. Maybe that was the best moment of my primary one. But it didn't last long. Somehow i just got focused on other things. It was weird. The most memorable parts of being in primary one was that i was shifted to the so called "best grade table" for like 10 minutes. Then i was sent back to my other table when the teacher saw i couldn't keep up with those kids. Weird. And as normal the seniors were spreading rumours about ghosts in the toilet and stuff. I never went to the toilet in that school actually. I spent the 20 cents given by my nanny's daughter on sweets everyday. Why? Because that's what she thought me to do. She suggested that 20 cents could buy 5 sweets. And i guess i was just too naive and young to figure i could save it for other stuff. Then back at home. I had this church opposite my house. I used to play around it with my brother back then. That's like more than 10 years ago. Actually nearly 15 years ago. Damn, i'm old. I used to wonder why people would go in and get guy to put water on their heads. I didn't dare to touch the water. Until today i have no idea why. Then back at home. I just remember before going to UK i had to watch these tapes that thought my family how to speak English. Plus the canning and rats in the house, plus cockroaches crawling all over the place. And then i went to UK.
I was six and a half. I can't remember what's the exact date i arrived in UK. But i know i didn't really mix around much. Actually i didn't really mix around much in primary one either. I don't even remember the names of the people there. Well, in the UK i do remember. I had this best friend. And i actually had a crush on this girl (yeah i had a crush on a chick from Ireland). I was..i dunno..8? Weird how it turned out. I actually hung out with her for some time. But soon came news that i was leaving. Going back to Malaysia. They had a small farewell party for me. A surprise one. So conveniently i was the one to always deliver the register to the office. So they used that time to get ready. I remember that i was bullied while in Ireland by this kid. But after awhile he stopped. And we kinda got to neutral terms. My friends did help me out. I appreciated that. In London i think some kids didn't like me playing with them. But after that they eventually accepted me. But it was kinda weird. I didn't know what was going on. I used to just hang out alone in during recess time. Just watching other kids play and eat and...do... stuff. In Ireland it started out the same. Untill the teacher on duty asked me why i was just sitting alone in a corner. I had no idea. I just liked to watch. But i started playing football and stuff. After that. And then i left, the girl, i think her name is Leia. I lost contact with them. I wanna find them again. I hope i do... So i left the UK. And came back to Malaysia. Leaving behind two bunch of friends, 2 different schools, 3 different places. Oh yeah, i actually caused my brother a head injury on one occasion. I tried to piggy back him but couldn't. So he fell and knocked his head. Damn..i still feel guilty for that....
Then malaysia, first few weeks were messy. Then i started primary in another chinese school. I had to pick up from standard 5. My parents were damn worried i wouldn't be able to cope. But i did okay. Just okay. So they held damned high expectations for my future grades - which i never lived up to. Sad. The 65% mark still stayed there. Looming like mad. I actually sucked on my grades during the first test because it was all in chinese. I practically did guess work on all the chinese objective questions. Fill in the blanks? I just picked some words from here and there, and then filled them in. I had no idea what i was doing at all. I think i met this girl, whom again i liked. She actually gave me a gift before school ended. I don't know why. I think i still have it. Sigh, again. But i had no idea of anything about love or even romance. I think i was just spellbound to something i didn't understand. Maybe i was just afraid of something. I never did get close to anyone in particular. Someone said once that makes me strong. But now i am helpless because i don't know how to rely on myself anymore.
Secondary school. I think this is the start of many many distractions. Cyber cafes, computer games, trading card games and all the stuff. Then, sweet sixteen. I started writing love letters to this girl. Never did carry on with anything. She already had someone. So i decided to stop. She didn't find out until after SPM. Part of me wish she had found out earlier. Part of me just wanted it to end. Then form 6 brought a very messy relationship. I don't know what actually happened in between that 6 months of confusion. Just that it was just something. And somehow i feel i failed somebody when it ended. It was the same with my second relationship. But it was in college. How do i describe it? Hmm...slap, bang and with a big boom at the ending. Short, fast, end. Story of my life.
Now i feel very insecure. All this moving. All this losing people around me. And now it's happening again. Everyone has transfered out. Except me. Some people are left. I made some new friends. But i'm going to transfer soon. Then it's like losing people once again. I feel like the only thing that i have done right in my life is the Grease production. Everything else just feels like a load of crap. I just imagine the load of crap versus one achievement. I feel like a loser. I'm my worst critic. Now i'm in a downward spiral, trying hard to get back up.
Between then and now, what have i actually done? Every single step i take it feels...like i'm carrying around a burden. This blog. I actually don't dare to read on the past posts. Some of them are so hearbreaking - even to myself. I can't believe i can write like that. I don't ever believe i could never shed a tear with all of that inside me. But that's the truth. And i don't know whether to be sad or happy. I always wanted to be like Peter Pan. I never wanted to grow up. I had a fear of it. And now, i'm already grown up. And all this responsibility...all this pressure is just weighing down on my. I'm smothered by myself. Somehow i just want to feel so SAD because i've never let myself the time to be that way. I'm always showing some encouragement to other people when i really want it for myself. I just can't help it. i wonder what the fuck am i doing. and i stopped helping myself when i channeled that energy to other people. what is it i am doing? i feel a hundred years old already.
Between now and tomorrow. What can i do? For myself...
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