It's much harder to move from a spot that you call comfort than i would have ever imagined.
Though i see something i can change, i know that there is something missing there. I used to have it - some belief in the things i could do. But somehow it's gone and it doesn't seem to be coming back. I look at the small windows in my room, and even thought the curtains are wide open, i can't see the sunlight coming through. It's blocked by some invisible field that doesn't allow sunlight to come in. The breeze is stale and salty, making my eyes teary and my skin dry and brittle. I feel like i could crack any moment now. And then there is still the guilt. That is the most fascinating and ironically torturing part. I feel as if i am being bound by something insignificant, and yet i cannot move. It is so heavy that once i reach the barrier it just pulls me below again. I wish for air, i want for something out there to pull me up. But it's not there. Or i can't find it.
Some weird mechanism is telling my whole mind and body to shut out to outside aid; to even seeking it. This is very distressing. I know for a fact i'm in a grave and want to get out from this six-feet-under situation. But why's my mind telling me otherwise? Why is it following a pattern of "you're screwed for life"? I really want to know why, but i'm too clouded to think fast enough for an answer that'll be in time to save my own life. It's a time bomb and i'm just ticking the clock downward to the time when it explodes. And i wonder why i stopped doing things that i needed to do. And i wonder why i ever started new things. Because it all ended up being a self-destructive panic attack. Then i went down to the depths again. I have to admit it, and i hate it, i am depressed. Why? And that is one of the reasons that adds to my problem. I don't know why and i hate myself for that.
I'm stuck. I've always been stuck. But it's just coming down on me now. So hard. I'm frantically searching for an antidote to this poison. But there's too many things around. So much distraction, so much...poison. Vines, thorns...stings...everything...
I can't see through this cloud. I'm half blind.
And there's still that road...that i couldn't ever walk to.
To view a full list of my links, please click below.