The things that i have been up to...
Physically, i'd say that i've been gaming a whole lot and procrastinating on every possible matter. Basically i'm living on a standstill. I'm at a point where i don't dare to move. I hear every pin drop and feel every footstep around me. But i'm inside an isolated bubble where i feel and sense only myself. I need it to be that way - because right now, i cannot handle much of anything else; i'm being overwhelmed by the number of issues rising up while i'm searching inside.
The biggest ever realization that i came across was on of the bond between me and the people around me. When i do something wrong, it hurts. But it doesn't hurt because i know it hurts, it hurts because i learned that other people may scorn upon me. It is because of this that i feel so trapped. One small slip up and others will look at you with a different kind of glare. And as it prolongs, people just give up on you. And as it goes the rule of permanance applies to those of delinquent value. I wish i was never placed inside this label. I feel it strangling me - and i want to get out. Yet, it is because of this label that i am stuck inside here. The irony of it just stings. I want out, but yet you cannot understand. The fact that you are unable to understand makes me hurt. And i just feel like staying this way a little longer, just until you would start to understand (but yet it seems that day never comes). So, i never get to build the strength to get up at all. Then i want to bleed out of all this mess, but there's no way that i could get out. Because there's still others that see me inside the same place. I'm trapped outside the world and i've become a stranger. We are both strange to each other and yet i wish we could understand more of each other. Maybe then it'll make things a little more simpler...
People around tend to judge you. And sadly i've come to accept that mindset for a long while. Being judged upon might seem like just a trivial matter. But once you're in the place of judgement, there's no room to run. You're there like a ant because you're an ant. And all the giants just look down on you, looming with their stares. And because of that, i feel that i could never get any help from others. It's just a sight for sore eyes - to make them even more sore.
Hope. That's a concept that i rejoice in. But it's now twisted in that i hope i can just hang on a little longer being like this. Because my existence just seems to be centered upon trying to being that outcast other people might see me as. Why? I don't have an answer to that. Speaking to myself brings back so many matters. But there's just that wish that other people could understand what makes me, me. I wish there is someone out there, at least some people...no, the truth is i wish the whole world would understand. I think that's the truth for all people who are estranged from their society. They wish for the whole world to understand their pain, their sorrow. But they never get to say it out that way. Because firstly, their family traps them in a small bubble, where their voice is de-amplified to such a minute sound it becomes like the whine of a dog or a little puppy. This makes it so hard. Because most families just see it as a phase (the denial). They just don't want to accept that their kid has something wrong. It's always the acceptable labels: "lazy", "daydreaming" and the such. Did you ever try to think it would be something else?
But what would they do about it? Sometimes, people who are unheard become terrible, terrible people - just because they want that little bit of attention. They want it so bad they would bring harm to people. They thing about things like "if i do this...yes.."But they never think that it will harm people. It comes to a point where it's so screwed up that they HAVE to do SOMETHING. And that SOMETHING that they do, is often even beyond their own comprehension. You'd wonder what the parents had done to cause the child to be like this. Or, you'd wonder why God ever put such beings on earth. I think it's something to think about. Not because there might be a root of evil, or anything so mysterious. I think, you just have to learn to listen a little bit more.
Perhaps there are other ways. How? Running? Perfect. Take your time..maybe you'll just end up carrying the whole burden your whole life. It's tiring. Sometimes you just have to shout out to the world that "this is what i want!". But, yeah, nobody is listening. But you just want to do that because it gives you the illusion that people are listening. And as long as you believe in that, you can carry on. But what really happens is that inside, you're lying to yourself. You're not really doing what you wanted to do or what you needed to do. You have to fix yourself. And the hard part, is not starting with yourself, but sometimes it's hardest to start with people around you. Why? Everyone needs to be fixed. After you fix yourself, make sure that they know it, so that they fix their perception of you. And maybe they'll realize there is more to just those lazy or daydreaming people out there.
Education. What do we actually learn? I study psychology. The irony of it is, it's easier to fix others than to fix yourself. You teach them to fix them, but you're a hypocrite most of the time because you can't do it to yourself. Why's that? How come it doesn't work both ways? I think it's because of the term education. An education is something to get you a job and not something to help you fix yourself. Why do you go to school? You don't go to learn. You learn general knowledge and history. You learn how to do math (mostly to count your expenditure). Why you learn moral studies or religious studies eludes me, because in some countries people just do it for another distinction. They just want that extra grade. But here's my question: When do you really learn to be yourself?
Being me isn't simple. It takes effort. It takes creativity. It takes mindset. It takes will. It takes everything that i have. What would you give for your identity? Would you sell it off for money? Would you let another take your place? The government calls it identity fraud. That's because of the bullshit called economy. To me it's the reason that you live. You may live on this world because of your god or religion. But you live on this world because you live to be you. You serve your god, to be you. You go to your job everyday, to be you. You walk through your doorstep, to be you. You browse the internet, to be you.
And the best part is, our parents teach us how to be human beings, but they never teach us how to be us.
To view a full list of my links, please click below.