I think, things that have been bugging me are things that i did in the past, where little or no people know at all. Sigh, after listening over and over again to Freshmen by the Verve Pipe, i'm all nostalgic over my past "crushes" or dates (somehow).
I think my friends from melaka would think that my first crush was on this girl in secondary school. It was form 4 and i think the term "honeymoon year" might have took a too literal turn on my life. Love was in the air? I don't know. But it just started. Suddenly i was just washed over by this..urge or whatever you call it, to just notice this girl. Damn. I think from that day i became some kind of dramatic poet. I actually penned by first poem for this girl. Heck knows why and how i did it, but i did. And, corny as it may sound, i wrote as a secret admirer. I feel, very weird and somehow a little embarrassed when i look back and think about it. I think it was because of the whole "shit i don't know what to do" thing going on in my head. Well, it hasn't really changed much after all these years. It's just progressed a little to "err..how do i talk to her?" kinda thing. So, you can see, i don't make much progress on my confidence about this kinda thing, heh. I'm a terrible guy, sorrrryy. I think i actually kept that girl "searching" for this secret admirer for..one and a half years. The great part is she only found out after i graduated from SPM. Cool, huh? By then no chance d larrrr....
But actually, i think my first crush (or maybe it was just puppy love) was on this girl from the UK. YES, United Kingdom - Dublin to be exact. Though, i think i was too young to comprehend the meaning of love. I just...had a great time with her, get it? It just felt nice. Oh, i was only eight years old, so don't think of anything funny. But i think i kinda got lucky when she actually came looking for me at my house. Why? Coz...hmm...i was known as the kid who didn't play during recess. I was just someone who sat by the side and watched while everyone else was playing hide and seek, soccer, hopscotch, giant chess and stuff like that. Well, it wasn't forever that way. I think after a few months, the teacher on duty started to notice me..wait..in fact all the teachers started to notice how i never played with the other kids during recess. So, i think one day this teacher decided to ask me to play with the other kids. I was lucky to have a very good friend there, actually a few very good friends there who looked out for me. It's sad to have to have left them. Sigh... Though, i never know what happened to that girl. I think her name is Leia. I can't recall her last name, but i think i can kinda figure out where she used to live. No, i didn't stalk her...But you see, i rarely lived anywhere long enough to really form any long-term-friendships. I think everytime i moved, i totally lost touch with the friends that i had made in that place. And when i think of having to move to the US soon...hmm...i don't know what to do anymore. Just have to accept it =/
You know, i don't really talk about this stuff to anybody. Wait, let me count...did i really tell anyone about this before? Hmm...thinking very hard...
Oh yeah, there are a few people. But, i don't think anyone has ever heard the whole story, maybe just bits and pieces of one here and there. But never anything too personal...
Though, there's someone that i met after...wait...during..no..before i started form 6. Yeah, that girl..hmm...i think i got to apologise for the first very...turbulent few months. It was like on one week then off the other week. Man, i really hated putting her through that. Then after that we have one period which i think was the most serious we ever got. But...that was also another blunder. On my part? Well, i always think that it's more my fault that it ends. Maybe coz i can only see my own faults after everything is over. You know? I just can't think of them in a bad light. I think that might be one of the ways that i try to get better. But when i was with her, it was maybe what you can say true love? It was something pure and i really cherish having had that. But too bad, it never blossomed further. I had a problem back then, it carried on and probably destroyed by second relationship. I hated myself for it. I still hate myself for it. Maybe it was always the same problem. Though, i never got so close to someone before in my life. Till this day i'm still good friends with her. And i'm very thankful for that.
After that, something just happened. It ended and i went into freaking turmoil. It was dreadful. I think one person in particular might know abit about this. Another friend. And then, college came...
STPM was over. College started. KL started. A whole new place started. TTDI started. Living in a apartment, going out late, Clutch, Blitz, Murni...all these things. Jet, haha...that guy. Weird as shit, i'm still waiting for him to drag his ass back to malaysia. Though, i think, the second relationship was very...rushed in. But i can't say i regret it. I don't. Every person i'm with is something worth it. Though, this time the problem surfaced again. Sigh, the frequent trips on the KTM and stuff. Sunway, and other places. KLCC, mid valley, and others. I think maybe she's the person that made me so familiar with the KL public transport. lol. Now she's gone. yeah. But, yeah i know. She left me with something. "All those freaking smses..." That's a phrase that's gonna haunt me to the end of my life. I hope i never have to hear those words on the same terms again. The thing is, i could see a little, a lot of relief in her eyes as i said goodbye for the last time. Maybe it was a good thing that we broke up. I didn't burden her anymore. So it was a good thing. Damn, i'm a burden. Those were the things that made me feel even worse. Straight after that i think i had a major depressive episode. I was so freaking sadddddd for the next few months. My moods were like up one moment then down the other. My friends didn't notice because i had always been like that. But, i guess what she said had some truth: the only real contact was all those freaking smses. We didn't really do much of anything else. =/
After that, i went into counseling. That brought me some relief. But, i learned that it wasn't sustainable. Because i still hadn't come to terms with myself. I still hated myself for being the person i was. I have no idea why, but i become so freaking needy with people i'm attached to. Not to friends. I hardly call them. But with partners, you know. When i think about it i feel sorry for them. Why did i even act that way? Urgh, there's a thin line between being worried and being overbearing. I have to admit, i was overbearing most of the time. I just couldn't spend even one minute without...thinking..about..them...without..missing..them (yeah, emo). Sometimes i just wanted to cry. I hugged my pillow so hard. It just couldn't surpass that emotion. Yes, everything seemed enhanced when i was with them. But too long without them and everything just turned a grey passe. FTW.... i'm just one of those walking hurt, brooding,needy freaks. Yeah, the perfect description of a 5-year-old with ADHD.
After that, i don't think i dared approach anyone else. I was so hurt. For a good few months, i just wanted to cry. Every night, i had silent tears. Every morning i woke with sore eyes. And everyday i asked myself: Why? Was i just being overdramatic? If i was, it was REAL. All those things went through my mind, heart and torn-up soul. Every song on the radio just played "heartbreak" and "tears". Those upbeat songs just reminded me more of what i lost. Those downbeat songs made me want to break into moans and endless streams of tears. But i couldn't. It was over. Spilt milk. I didn't bother to soak it up. Maybe i left it that way too long. Because i couldn't deal with it. Because i was so weak. Because i was...lonely. Because i was...me.
My family couldn't help me. I just couldn't see how. My mum and dad had conflicting views on it. And even between themselves they had conflicting opinions. And my mum was annoying while my dad matter-of-fact-type. I just couldn't talk to them. I never did, i never used to. They were more like objects of my past that were busy doing something like trying to bring up the perfect child. I think i felt more like an experiment than a kid. So, i couldn't tell them. Relatives. I think, i wasn't as close to anyone as i am now. Friends...most of them didn't have the time. And i didn't feel like bothering them. God? I felt left out, so i left him out too. Sad. So, i was just alone, by myself. Maybe that's why i had no spirit.
I guess, i'm still healing from these wounds. Mainly coz i still haven't stopped hating myself for all those things that i've done. It's lead on to so many things that i don't see good in myself. It sucks when you can't see yourself as something worth even a penny. You just want to run because those dept collectors out there want to reap their rewards of having you in their life.
You know, this love really blinds me. It makes me oblivious to their mistakes and sends me to oblivion with my own mistakes weighing down on me. I just can't see bad in them, but i see all the flaws in myself. That makes me sad, again. I just wonder why everything makes me sad. I keep repeating it to myself.
I want to see the big, blue sky
Taste the sweet smelling flowers
Feel the breeze run across my skin
So that i can fly again.
I want someone to make me smile.
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