Belong

I've got the strangest feeling. I arrived back home from an almost one week holiday in melaka, but...i feel that i've disconnected the wiring between my mind and body. My thoughts are still stuck in limbo as if i'm still in melaka, staying over at my friend's house. It got me thinking that what's in my friend's place and what's in my home in kl, aren't that different. Maybe just the people and environment, but the feel, they're just the same - both empty and unplaced inside me. I don't feel a belonging anywhere. I don't know if that's sad...or good.

I asked myself this question: where do i really feel like "home"? I can't really give an answer to that question. It's a messed up thing. I feel home when there's someone there. So, home is a very mobile thing. When someone, people, is there I feel like someone else. By myself i'm probably another sod that lives at home and daydreams all day long (besides the gaming routine). I study (i guess) and read stuff. But stuff is somehow irrelevant to what i really want. Stuff is just like an object that i read about, i try out and eventually i place inside one of those thousand shelves of memories at the back of my mind. What actually works for me is that flow of feel. Am i being dramatic? Perhaps melodramatic...

I've come to enjoy conversations in the past few years (something that i've never enjoyed before the age of 18). I like people now. I wasn't exactly anti-social in the past, just avoidant. Now i still find social contact a bit too overwhelming. The things that go through my mind when i walk in the midst of a crowd...it's just mind boggling - i don't understand why i work that way. But it happens and i need that music, a shutter to break the silence of buzzing thoughts - so i can concentrate on the present.

I wonder what i would do without my eyes. How would i see? Would it be through feelings? What type of evolutionary sense would i evolve? Or might i just stutter and be a paralytic homosapien? I still get lost in my own thoughts. Maybe that's why i sometimes can't explain myself very well. When people ask who i am, i probably give a very random answer. I can't describe myself because it's an experience for me. I change when i'm determined and i slack when i just don't get that intuition. When i feel listless i'm lost in the world of visual-metaphoric-perception. Perhaps i'm a lost child, and i always will be.

Then when i do find somewhere to belong, it'll be to someone...probably not somewhere. Someone. I like the sound of that.