Loneliness' Great Wish-Continued
I want to find whatever is out there by myself, but i can't, i just can't. I am helpless when it comes to this. I can see those happy faces, but i still can't catch them. They always slip through my fingers as if i'm trying to catch onto oil. It just slides, and i fade deeper and deeper into despair. Day by day i become more and more alone, despair is my solace - my lonely solace.
You tried to help me when i was willing to accept you into my life. But in the end you still couldn't take it. I needed too much, i am too wanting. But i do not blame you, at least you tried. At least you would let me have some moments of cheer and i thank you for that. I am grateful for that, sincerely i love you. But now you are gone and i am alone. The glee has been ridden off my face and the surface of my heart has been burnt to a cinder. It is gone now, i am dead again. Slowly, i ride on a carriage with black horses and a coachman that sings the dirge of loneliness.
I stay now inside my palace. It is so dark, darker than before. Or is it just me? I saw light before and now suddenly there is only the dark left. It seems darker than before, but how would i know. That small joy that i had kindled a small hope inside of me, but now it is gone. Why did it have to go. Now my puzzle is closed again, locked up and the key thrown away and another one, another more intricate on takes reality.
Again, a prisoner of loneliness, i am petrified. I feel doom all around and only dark shadows of myself exist here. There is nothing here that i can find love or care from. The only thing here is self pity that only makes things worse. I am gone again, lost to my despair. What a grip it has on me, this depression. I can't get out.
All over again, i must go through my torture. There's no physical pain here, only mental. Screaming and fighting, i slowly go down. I become devoid of my feelings and leave myself defenseless against that void. It sucks all my feelings away and i become numb again. My heart turns to stone, brittle as sand it shatters each time it beats.
Petrified, i loom alone...
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